created.

Here I Am

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I haven’t written in this space for quite a while, but here I am.  It’s been sunny and warm and I’ve been working on other things, and thinking about other things, but here I am, right now, right here.

Today it’s cloudy and on the cusp of rain.  I have my favorite inspirational song playing, and I’m ready to write.

I’m ready to write about the weekend I spent with powerful, beautiful women.  I’m ready to write about creating and the way it makes me feel beautiful and powerful.  I’m ready to write about my powerful and beautiful daughters.  I’m ready to write about Jesse and my love for that powerful and beautiful man.

Here I am.  I am ready.  But the words just aren’t coming.  I can listen to the song that inspires me with its melancholy beauty.  I can read the prayers and songs that were so powerful that weekend.  And still… the words don’t come.

Everything out my window is green and growing and glowing.  The leaves, young and crisp, are all my favorite shades of green.  The skies are the perfect shade of moody gray.

Winter is over and spring is upon us.  I love this time of rebirth and Easter and Novruz and everything being clean and green.  I am excited for days spent in the backyard, harvesting produce, cultivating memories.

But, here I am, sitting on my sofa, wishing for autumn already.  Right now, we are as far from my favorite time of year as we could possibly be. Autumn is when I’m inspired to write, to make, to create, to share.  Autumn is when the view outside my window is perfect with the leaves that are magical, the skies that are full, the light that is right.

This explains my waning creative drive.  My waning inspiration.  Autumn and winter are the days of staying inside, drinking tea, writing, and creating.  Spring and summer are the days of going outside, drinking sun tea, playing, and experiencing.

All of this to explain why I’ve been absent from the blog lately.  I’ve been gone, but here I am, and it feels good.  It feels good to write these mundane, stream of thinking thoughts.  It feels good to think and plan and let to and just be here.  So maybe I will be here more, maybe I’ll be outside.  Either way, here I am, right where I am.

HereIAm

My Tula 62

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I’m basically a self-taught sewist.  My first few quilts were just thrown together squares and strips and triangles.  I have used tutorials and videos and my own intuition.  I took a class to make Harriet’s “Hoo-Hoo Coat” (it has owls and is still her favorite), and really learned a lot.  Having actual instruction was really helpful and beneficial to my sewing.

When I made Alma’s big twin quilt, I bought a pattern, and mostly followed it.  I had to change it a bit to make the colors flow the way I wanted.

I’ve been working on a new quilt, a Tula 100 block sampler.  Actually, I worked on it a lot a while ago, and it’s been sitting around all winter.  I bought Tula Pink’s City Sampler book after seeing some amazing blocks on Instagram.

I love the blocks I’ve made, and I’ve also learned a lot more about the art of quiltmaking.  I’ve learned better ways to make triangles.  I’ve learned more about piecing and fussy cutting.

I’ve learned that triangles look cool, but are a pain in the butt.

I love these squares because they are so little.  The finished size will be 6×6, so all the little pieces are tiny.  I’ve been able to use many of the fabrics I’ve had leftover from other projects, and haven’t had to buy much.  I’ve bought a few fat quarters of plain colored fabrics because I’ve realized that my tastes tend to be a bit busy and having some solids help balance that little bit.

I love going through the blocks I’ve made.  I’ve made 62 so far, so I’ve over halfway there.  Working on my Tula 100 quilt is on my Winter To Do List, and I’m really excited to get back into it.

I’m not sure what the finished product will be, but I’m leaning towards using it on our bed.  It will be bright and cheerful, and I love that sort of thing.

Productivity

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One of the things I’m choosing this year is to be more productive.  It’s hard to get into a routine since my days are all so different, so it’s been really hard to figure out the best way to be productive.

I have three things this year that are really helping me get stuff done. I have realized that I am all about extrinsic motivation.  If I’m going to do something, I need to get something out of it.

The first thing I’m using is something I also used last year – Elise Blaha’s goal trackers.  I use these to make my goals public and visible.  I get to color in a little circle every time I accomplish something.  It’s ridiculously satisfying to color in the circles, and to step back and see all the colored-in circles.

The next thing I’m using is my Get to Work Book, also from Elise Blaha.  If you need some motivation, go check her out.  She has incredible ideas and is a fantastic writer.  It has taken me a while to figure out how to best use this book for me.  I’m still figuring it out, actually.

Right now I’m using it to make daily to do lists in the daily sections.  One thing I love about the planner is all the extra space for project ideas, little notes, and reflection.

I like using it for lists, but I’ve also seen some amazing ideas on the Instagram account.  Once again, drawing a star on each of my to do items is ridiculously satisfying.

This last one is a new one.  It’s an app called Forest.  I set a timer in the app and if I don’t leave the app before the time is over, I get to grow a tree.  Then all the trees are put into a forest.  This app combines so many of my favorite things – trees, video games, extrinsic motivation, and pretty illustrations.  I use it when I’m trying to get work done.

I also use it when I want to spend time playing with the kids without distraction.  This has been the best part of it, honestly.  When I have Forest set up, I don’t randomly check Instagram and Facebook.   In the end I get a tree, and, even better, I know I have spent my time well.

Matchy Matchy Heart Dresses

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I still have so much fabric left over from the weekly photos I took of the girls during their first year.  Alma and Harriet are outgrowing the dresses I made them last Winter.  Valentine’s Day is coming up.  So… I made some new dresses for the girls.

I have to admit that I never thought I would be the kind of mom who would dress her daughters in matching dresses.  Turns out I am that kind of mom.  I am totally that kind of mom.  I’ve done it more than I expected, and I love it every single time.  So be it.  Can you blame me?

I mean, seriously.  They are just the two cutest sisters that ever were.  Especially when they make the same absurd random expression.  Don’t even ask, I have no idea.

Gotta love ’em!

This pattern is my take on Shwin and Shwin’s amazing dress pattern.

Dear Daddy,

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Dear Daddy,

Yesterday was your birthday and I’ve been wanting to tell you something.  I write to the girls on their birthdays, but I think it’s important to write to you, too.

I have always admired you, daddy.  You always worked hard to give all of us a wonderful life.  You worked hard, but you were always home for dinner and present in our lives.  On Sunday mornings, I would wait to see you get up, then I’d follow you to the living room so you could read the comics to me.  You were always up to play in the backyard, or play a game of Pente.  You came to my recitals even when it meant missing a track meet.  You taught me how to ride my bike on two wheels.

One of my favorite memories of us is from a bike ride.  I can remember exactly where this conversation took place, right around the corner from where I live today.  We were riding ‘around the block’ and you told me that you hope I will always call you Daddy.  I remember thinking that was absurd that you would even ask.  Of course you’ll always be my daddy.

You have another name now.  You are also Papa, and I am so glad that my girls get to have a Papa like you.  They light up when they see you, and honestly, you light up, too.  You are such a great grandfather.  You get down to their level to play with them.  You spoil them just the right amount.  I know that I can count on you to take wonderful care of them.

Happy birthday, Daddy.  I hope you know how important you are to me, and how much I love you as my Daddy, and as Alma and Harriet’s Papa.

Love,
Carolyn

New Love-ly Mantel

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It’s almost Valentine’s day, so I thought I should put up some love-ly stuff on the mantel.  Get it?

I had the great honor of winning these kissing dogs at the annual Christmas party white elephant gift exchange.  We’ve been going to this party for the past few years, and these dogs always make a showing, being passed from house to house, from closet to closet.  Now that I’ve received these wonderful puppies, I know that I’m really part of the gang.

I think people are usually freaked out by these perfectly loving doggies, but not me, folks.  These canines are getting special front and center treatment this year.  I might not even take them to the gift exchange next year.  They might be mine forever.  Deal with it.

I felt that, since Valentine’s Day is coming up, and since it’s all about love, what better way to show my love for love than by a sculpture of two blue-eyeshadowed dogs in a sweet, loving embrace, gently kissing with peacefully closed eyes?  There is no better way.

Mic drop, am I right?

The Age of the Bully

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I’m going to get political here and I’m going to say it.  Donald Trump is a bully.  He’s a jerk.  He’s sexist.  He’s racist. He’s a liar.  But somehow people love him.

I have an idea about why.

You should know that this is based on my observations in middle schools.  That shouldn’t surprise you since Donald Trump acts even less mature than most middle school aged boys I know.  Much less mature, in fact.

We all remember the bully, don’t we?  That one person who would make fun of other kids for a laugh.  That one person who would systematically target a weaker kid and turn the other kids against him.  When we were kids and saw this situation, we had to make a choice – stand up for the weaker kid, or join the bully.  It’s usually a safer bet to join the bully because then you don’t risk becoming the next target.  We have all done this – it’s part of growing up, figuring out who we are, learning what’s really important.

Fast forward through high school, college and into adulthood.  We are all rational adults, right?  We know who we are and we would all stand up for what we believe in, right?  I’m not so sure.

Our culture is fixated on the anti-hero.  A list of the top TV shows of the past few years reveals something that we all should think about.  Some of these characters are evil, others are simply unlikeable – Don Draper, Walter White, Dexter Morgan, most of the casts in Game of Thrones, Girls, Orange is the New Black, VEEP, House of Cards… I could go on.  Why do we continue to watch these shows?  Why do we care?

We watch these shows for entertainment value, right?  But, what if it has gone further?  What if by watching so many horrible decisions we have become immune to it?

What I’m trying to say is that we’re still that kid in middle school who chooses to side with the bully instead of standing up for the victim.  We have become so desensitized to the fact that bad people actually are bad.  We now look at a bad person and have to question whether or not they are bad, funny, misunderstood, or something else.

I imagine that many of the people who support Trump do so because of this dynamic.  He’s saying horrible things, and people need to make the choice to either laugh with him or fight him.  He’s reckless with his words, and people are eating them up.

Will he become the Republican candidate?  Quite possibly.  Will he become our next president?  I quite hope not.  I have faith that those Republicans who lean more to the left will help prevent that from happening.

I’m not sure our country could survive a Trump presidency.  Other countries will shun us.  Money will be wasted on wars and walls.  We, as a country, will solidify our role as a powerful global bully.

Let’s all work together to not let that happen.

A Day In The Life – January 13, 2016

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06

6:52 – I want to remember how every single day Harriet wakes up and asks Jesse for milk in her Dora cup.  I want to remember how she says Doa Bup.  I want to remember how she can point to Dora and Boots, but that she’s never actually seen the show (as far as I know).

9:13 – I want to remember how this morning got away from me and suddenly I was at work and I hadn’t taken any photos of getting ready, dropping the kids off at dad’s house, getting to school, preparing the lessons, drinking my coffee.  I also want to remember these fun kids.  7th graders are so entirely funny.

10:38 – I want to remember how, even as a sub, I get to teach some of my favorite lessons.  The teacher for whom I was subbing didn’t have time to really prepare a lesson, but we texted about what was going on.  I was happy that she was talking about heroes, and I jumped at the chance to do one of my favorite activities about the Hero Cycle.  It’s not a particularly difficult activity, but it really helps the students understand the Hero Cycle.

11:35 – I want to remember this school.  It’s where I did my student teaching, and a big chunk of my subbing.  It has changed a lot, but it has a lot of heart.  The kids are charming and funny and bright.  The staff is full of some of my very favorite people.  It’s also a fancy new building with lots of great things, the least of which is the instant hot water in the staff rooms.  But that hot water tap was pretty great during my two day job there.

12:35 – I want to remember these days of papers to grade, lessons to teach, ideas to share.

2:32 – I want to remember the energy of kids at the end of the day.  They know that freedom is soon theirs, and it’s electric.  It’s like a surge, then they leave and it’s silence.

2:38 – I want to remember raindrops and windows and school buses.

4:18 – I want to remember how Alma is requesting certain songs when we’re in the car.  It used to be the ‘paper song,’ also known as ‘the monkey on your back,’ officially known as “Anyone Else But You” by the Moldy Peaches.  Lately it’s been “The Dreaming Tree” by Dave Matthews, which I obviously love.  She asks lots of interesting questions about the song.  She asks about death and about trees.  She will see a tree out her window and ask if it’s the Dreaming Tree.

4:56 – I want to remember how Alma had a fever for 4 days and didn’t have much appetite.  Seeing her eat a bowl of yogurt while watching Octonauts made me very happy.

5:47 – I want to remember cooking with Jesse.  We make a good team, and it gives us a chance to talk and catch up after our days.  I love that man, and love that we get to do this life together.

6:18 – I want to remember how this girl won’t stop dancing and singing ever, even with a 4 days fever.  Tonight we had a dance party to “Everything is Awesome” because we had a family movie night and watched The Lego Movie and it’s stuck in all our heads.  But it’s true – everything is awesome.

6:33 – I want to remember how much these girls love the bath.  I want to remember Harriet’s curls, especially when they’re wet.

8:49 – I want to remember these tea dates with Katrina.  It does my heart and soul so much good to get out of the house and spend time with her.  Talking about jobs and kids and our lives is so easy and great with Katrina.  We were joined by another sweet friend, Christy, when she happened to come to the teahouse to stock up.  It felt good to talk and laugh and connect with these two wonderful mamas.

Other Days In The Life:
May 12, 2015
September 9, 2015
November 11, 2015

When to Apologize?

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Apologize: to offer an apology or excuse for some fault, insult, failure, or injury

Lately Alma has been doing something that concerns me.  She will say something silly, or do something goofy, and immediately say, “Sorry ’bout dat,” with a shrug and a self-depreciating eye roll.  For example, she will pronounce a word wrong, or mix up her words, or stumble a little bit.  Something about which she absolutely doesn’t need to feel sorry.

It reminds me of those studies that show that women, in group meetings or classes, will say, “I’m sorry…” then ask their question or make their comment.  I’m pretty sure I read about this in Lean In by Sheryl Sandberg, but I’ve been thinking about it for a long time.

It’s a hedge, something we say to fill space or make excuses.  How many times have you said your opinion and finished up with, “…but that’s just what I think,” in order to avoid a confrontation.  That’s a hedge.  So is saying you’re sorry, oftentimes.

And this phenomenon is certainly more common with women than with men.  I have been around groups of women who constantly apologize to each other, for every little thing.  Even if it’s the other person’s fault.  Even if it’s nobody’s fault.  How many times have you asked someone who was blocking your way to move by first saying sorry?  Why do we apologize to someone who is standing in the doorway, or blocking the thing we need, when it’s obvious that they’re in the wrong?

The act of saying you’re sorry when you’ve done nothing wrong makes us look weak.  It is admitting that we have no power in our situation.  It is admitting that we feel that what we have to say, or do, is less important than others.

I don’t want my daughters to believe this about themselves.  I want them to own their opinions, their actions, and their questions.  They are strong, and their voices are important.  I want them to know that they can ask their question, or make a correction, or add an opinion without being perceived as aggressive.  Moreover, I want them to know that it’s okay to be aggressive.  If they make a mistake, they can own it without apologizing, especially if it doesn’t affect anyone else, like when Alma mispronounces a word.

Raising daughters, this goes even further.  I don’t want my girls to ever apologize for not wanting to hug or kiss someone. I’ve written before about how I never make them hug or kiss anyone if they don’t want to. I want them to be strong and feel like they don’t ever have to apologize for this.  When they’re teenagers and young adults, I want them to be confident that they can turn down sexual advances without an apology.  They don’t have to do anything they don’t want to do, and they don’t have to apologize for it.

This all isn’t to say that I never want my kids to apologize.  I certainly want them to say they’re sorry when they’ve hurt someone.  I’ve started saying, “Only apologize when you’ve done something wrong” whenever Alma does this.  I want to break the habit.  There is a line in Sarah Kay’s poem “Point B” that says “always apologize when you’ve done something wrong but don’t you ever apologize for the way your eyes refuse to stop shining.”  And that’s really it, isn’t it?  I just want my girls to shine and not have to apologize about it.

Best of 2016

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Originally, I was thinking about writing a post about the best things we did in 2015, but that seems like so last year.  I’m ready to move on.  2016 is a beautiful, fresh, new year and I’m so excited to get into it.  So here’s what I’m planning on being the best of 2016:

  • A kid-free trip to San Diego later this month.  Jesse has a conference, and I’m tagging along to enjoy the hotel pool, wifi, and quiet.
  • A big family camping trip this summer with my mom’s family.
  • Hopefully another trip to Coronado.
  • Making good choices all year long.
  • Summer vacation with my two big girls who will be more capable and fun this year.
  • A long term sub job working with some of my favorite kids in the world.
  • A creative weekend in Bend this spring.
  • Growing an amazing garden and eating all of it.
  • A mom’s weekend at the beach.
  • A women’s retreat with my church.
  • Directing the Christmas play again next year, but with the knowledge and experience I gained in 2015.
  • Four more Day In The Life posts.
  • Canning lots of food.
  • 30daysofgratitude in November
  • Turning 35 years old.
  • Finding out where Dan and Nina will move after Nina’s graduation (hopefully west coast, best coast?).
  • Seeing plays, concerts, ballets.
  • Going to museums with the kids.
  • Creating lots of things.
  • Doing a month of creating.
  • Finding a rhythm.
  • Reading lots of books.

I know that there will be many things that we will do this year that aren’t on this list, because I haven’t even dreamt them up yet.  I know that I won’t get to everything on this list.  I know that some of the things on this list might be horrible and I would never actually include them on a best-of list.  But here it is – 2016.