letters for my daughters

Dear Harriet, Age 5

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Dear, sweet Harriet,

And today you are five. How did that happen? You’re five, and you’ll be starting kindergarten in a couple weeks. My girl, I will miss you while you’re at school. We’ve been a team for the past few years, first while you were waiting to go to preschool, and last year as you were waiting to go to elementary school.  Now it’s your turn, and I’ll be on my own. While I’ll enjoy the time to myself, don’t get me wrong, I’ll also miss our time of just the two of us.

This morning, before people were up, I sneaked into your room to see if you were awake. You were, and I got to be the first person to wish you a happy birthday. You said you were just waiting in bed because nobody else was awake yet. We talked about what it was like 5 years ago today, with the two of us working together to look into each other’s eyes. That was a special day, and I’ll tell you about it every year until you understand it.

This year has been a big, fun one for you. You have learned so much, and worked so hard, especially on your speech. I’ve been going with you to your speech lessons this summer, and I’ve been impressed with your grit. You try and try and try. Sometimes you get it, sometimes you don’t, but I haven’t seen you give up. You are still creative and imaginative. You come up with the coolest things – like Paperland, and all the other lands that you can travel between. You still love your ooh-aahs and bears – sometimes you forget them at home, but luckily they can always find their way to you. You have real magic – you can see through things, and you’re really a wicked witch (but I wasn’t supposed to hear you tell Alma that one). You like mermaids, unicorns, and all things magical. You also like poop, toots, shake booty, and all things potty talk.

I hope that you stay just as curious and creative as you are now (or grow even more curious and creative!).  I hope you make great new friends who will last your whole life. I hope you learn new things – like how to read – and that you find joy in them. I hope you still want to cuddle and sleep on my lap. I hope that you are brave. I hope that you are strong. I hope that you resist what you know is wrong. I hope that you fight for what is right. I hope that you feel loved, greatly, every single day that you’re five.

Because you are loved greatly.

I love you, my sweet Hattie Girl.

All my love,
Mommy

Dear Alma, Age 6

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Dearest Alma,

Five was a fun one.  Probably my favorite.  I loved how you were so curious and eager to learn all you could.  I loved seeing your confidence grow.

These past few months have been a little hard.  You didn’t have the easiest transition to kindergarten. I think it was hard for you to go from a play-based-three-hour-a-day-three-days-a-week preschool to full-on full day kindergarten. Adding the Spanish made for some long days of listening and working hard, just to understand.  But, these past few months have also shown us that you have some grit!  You haven’t given up, and you are actually, honest-to-God learning Spanish.  You amaze me when you hear Spanish and actually understand it – or when you come up with a word and use it the right way.  You are constantly correcting my accent, and I couldn’t be happier.  Your brain is a little sponge, and you’re soaking it all up.

You also recently lost your first teeth.  On Christmas Eve, late at night, when you should have been sleeping, you had Daddy pull your first tooth.  It kind of freaked you out to see the blood, but on Christmas, you were ready to have Dad pull the second one.  Your adult teeth had already grown in, so you didn’t have a gap-tooth smile.

Six will also be fun.  We have some fun things planned for you, my girl.  Six will be the year you learn so many new things – you’re taking piano lessons, you’ll probably start reading, you’ll learn more Spanish, you’ll get even better at swimming and diving.  Six will be the year that Harriet joins you at your school (I’m looking forward to that one!).  Six will be a year of trips and adventures.  I can’t wait to see what six will bring to you.

I love you, sweet bug.  You’re my girl, and you always will be.

All my love,
Mommy

Dear Harriet, Age Four

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Dear Harriet,

I love this blurry photo of us for a few reasons.  First, I’m in it with you and I think it’s important that I get in the shot too, sometimes.  Second, just look at your sweet smile.  We were camping here, and girl, do you love camping.  You love exploring and running and playing and sleeping and swimming and building and s’mores.

This past year has been a doozy.  You definitely followed the trend of three-year-olds being difficult and stubborn.  You showed your opinion quite clearly, to say the least.  You only wanted me to help you and cuddle you and read to you and carry you – dad just wouldn’t do.  You wouldn’t eat anything that wasn’t exactly what you wanted.  You wanted what you wanted and you wanted it when you wanted it.  And it was hard.  Three was hard.

Luckily, the last couple months of three, things started to change.  You started to ask for daddy before me.  You became more flexible and less frustrating.  Thank you so much for that.  Really, Harriet, thank you for that.

Right now you are so much fun.  You are funny and creative.  You fiercely love the people in your life.  You have strong connections with people and are incredibly loyal.  You have changed from being stubborn to being strong (it’s an important difference to note).  I love to hear your opinions and your ideas.  You are so brave and are always willing to try new things, usually with a bit of gentle encouragement.  Last year you were scared to get your face wet, this year you’re swimming without your floaties and going down the big slide at the pool.  Last year you wouldn’t try your balance bike, this year you’re almost ready for pedals.

Four years ago, you were born on a Blue Moon.  Today, we will witness a full solar eclipse.   The planets have aligned.  I’ve always loved the moon, and since you were born four years ago, I’ve loved it even more with the connection between your birth and the moon.  Today we will stand in the moon’s shadow.  I think there is something to this, my girl.  You are my little moon girl and you were born to do great, big things.

Next year we will be getting ready for kindergarten.  But for today, and for this year, I want you to stay my little child, my baby.  No need to rush things, my Hattie Girl.  No need to stop sleeping in my arms.  No need to stop asking for my help.  Ne need to run too far or climb too high.

You are my girl and I love you to the moon and back a million times.

All my love,
Mommy

Dear Alma, On Your Fifth Birthday

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Dear Alma,

Today you’re five.   Today is one of those thresholds.  You are entering a whole new stage of life.  Five is a big year.  Five is kindergarten, loose teeth, reading, school buses, bikes with pedals, new friends, long days away from home, writing.  Five is big.

Yesterday you were four and you were still a small little child.  Today you are five and you look like a whole new girl to me.  I have to be honest and say that my heart hurts a little bit when I look at you.  You are a well-spoken, creative, brave soul.  Not much of that little baby from five years ago remains.  Your legs are long and strong.  Your fingers are precise and careful.  Your eyes are clear and focused.  Your voice is loud and determined.  You are five.

You are growing up quickly and it makes me miss my baby.  But, Alma, I wouldn’t change it for anything.  Those baby days are gone, but I’m so happy about five.  I’m so excited to see all those things happen this year, but you will always be my baby.

My wishes for you this year:

  • You make new friends and keep the old
  • You are the kid in your class who welcomes everyone
  • You learn to read and enjoy it
  • You lose teeth with courage
  • You fall down and you get back up
  • You keep sitting in my lap and coming to me for comfort
  • You have compassion
  • You stand up for people who need it
  • You smile
  • You dance
  • You sing
  • You laugh
  • You know you are deeply and gracefully loved.

Alma, my little love, have fun being five.

All my love,
Mommy

Dear Harriet, Age Three

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Dear Harriet, My Three Year Old,

Man, has this been a year?  You started school, you really started talking, you grew and changed and became a little girl.  You have figured out how to fight back – fight back against Alma when she tries to get too older sibling on you, fight back against us when we tell you that you can’t have hot cococo all day everyday, you fight back against injustices on the playground.  People always tell me they’re impressed with your fortitude.  You don’t let people push you around.  You are strong and brave, little one.

 

You are scrappy, and I love that about you.  We are both second-borns, so you and I, kid, understand what it’s like to live that way.  We understand that sometimes it’s important to bug your older sibling until they fight back, then to go running to your parent so the sibling gets in trouble.  But, kid, you need to understand that I see right through it when you do it.  I see right through it, but I still love it because I get you.  I feel you.  All I have to say about it is: sorry Alma (and sorry Dan).

 

But you are also very dear.  One of the things you say all the time these days is, “Excuse me mommy (or Grams, daddy, Papa, Nana, Grandpa, Grammy… whomever).  I wuv you.”  It’s always a surprise because I always assume that you’re going to be asking for more hot cococo, then you turn everything upside-down with your sweetness.  You can tell me that you wuv me all day everyday, that’s fine with me.

 

When you’re into something, you’ll spend so much time with it.  When we went camping, you were all about building the fairy village.  At the playground with your friends, you’ve been known to build very cool towers out of pine cones and sticks, or to fill up a hollow tree with rotten apples (side-note:  rotten apples are your favorite things.  When we tell you to think of something happy, you think about rotten apples) – all the while directing your friends and making sure they’re doing it right.  You’re a leader and creative and I think that’s really cool.

 

Here’s my promise to you this year:  I will cherish you.  I will be gentle with you.  I will be kind to you.  I will love you and I will tell you so everyday.  I will hold you.  I will let you grow.  I will laugh with you.  I will cry with you.  I will cherish you.

All my love,

Mommy

 

When to Apologize?

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Apologize: to offer an apology or excuse for some fault, insult, failure, or injury

Lately Alma has been doing something that concerns me.  She will say something silly, or do something goofy, and immediately say, “Sorry ’bout dat,” with a shrug and a self-depreciating eye roll.  For example, she will pronounce a word wrong, or mix up her words, or stumble a little bit.  Something about which she absolutely doesn’t need to feel sorry.

It reminds me of those studies that show that women, in group meetings or classes, will say, “I’m sorry…” then ask their question or make their comment.  I’m pretty sure I read about this in Lean In by Sheryl Sandberg, but I’ve been thinking about it for a long time.

It’s a hedge, something we say to fill space or make excuses.  How many times have you said your opinion and finished up with, “…but that’s just what I think,” in order to avoid a confrontation.  That’s a hedge.  So is saying you’re sorry, oftentimes.

And this phenomenon is certainly more common with women than with men.  I have been around groups of women who constantly apologize to each other, for every little thing.  Even if it’s the other person’s fault.  Even if it’s nobody’s fault.  How many times have you asked someone who was blocking your way to move by first saying sorry?  Why do we apologize to someone who is standing in the doorway, or blocking the thing we need, when it’s obvious that they’re in the wrong?

The act of saying you’re sorry when you’ve done nothing wrong makes us look weak.  It is admitting that we have no power in our situation.  It is admitting that we feel that what we have to say, or do, is less important than others.

I don’t want my daughters to believe this about themselves.  I want them to own their opinions, their actions, and their questions.  They are strong, and their voices are important.  I want them to know that they can ask their question, or make a correction, or add an opinion without being perceived as aggressive.  Moreover, I want them to know that it’s okay to be aggressive.  If they make a mistake, they can own it without apologizing, especially if it doesn’t affect anyone else, like when Alma mispronounces a word.

Raising daughters, this goes even further.  I don’t want my girls to ever apologize for not wanting to hug or kiss someone. I’ve written before about how I never make them hug or kiss anyone if they don’t want to. I want them to be strong and feel like they don’t ever have to apologize for this.  When they’re teenagers and young adults, I want them to be confident that they can turn down sexual advances without an apology.  They don’t have to do anything they don’t want to do, and they don’t have to apologize for it.

This all isn’t to say that I never want my kids to apologize.  I certainly want them to say they’re sorry when they’ve hurt someone.  I’ve started saying, “Only apologize when you’ve done something wrong” whenever Alma does this.  I want to break the habit.  There is a line in Sarah Kay’s poem “Point B” that says “always apologize when you’ve done something wrong but don’t you ever apologize for the way your eyes refuse to stop shining.”  And that’s really it, isn’t it?  I just want my girls to shine and not have to apologize about it.

Dear Alma, Age 4

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Photo by Outi Henry

Dear Alma,

January 3rd is a very special day to me.  Not only is it the day you were born, but it is the day that I became a mother.  I don’t know why, but this past year, I’ve been thinking about that a lot.

Photo by Outi Henry

Yesterday, I asked you if you knew that I wasn’t a mommy before I had you.  You looked surprised and asked me, “What were you?”  I told you I was just Carolyn and that seemed to make sense.

Whenever I talk about things I did before you were born, you always say, “And I was in your tummy.”  I used to explain that no, not yet.  Now I don’t correct you.  Maybe it’s because you’ve been here so long that it’s almost hard to image who Carolyn was before you made me into Mommy.  Maybe it’s because I’ve realized that in some way, you have always been with me.

Photo by Outi Henry

There’s a song that I’m listening to on repeat right now.  It’s from a new musical by Sara Bareilles about a woman, who, in the end has a baby.  She looks into her baby’s eyes and instantly becomes a mother.

I know that everything changed when I had you, Alma. Everything.

I used to be able to read books about children without crying.  Now, I’m a mess reading to you.  I can’t read Rosie Revere without thinking about how you need to know how capable you are.  I can’t read On the Night You Were Born without thinking about how important you are.  Even books I used to love have changed.  When I read From the Mixed-up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler, I see the story from the parents’ perspective, and it makes the book much less enjoyable.

Anyway, Alma, this is all to say that 4 year ago everything changed.  I changed.  The whole world changed.  This world used to be full of possibilities for my life, now it’s full of so much more.  It’s full of a whole lifetime of possibilities for you.

Photo by Outi Henry

This past year you have really become a person to me.  You have grown up so much.  You can express yourself perfectly.  You have such a funny sense of humor.  You are confident and strong.  [Today you went up in front of our whole church, by yourself, and said “I’m Alma.  Today’s my birthday.  I’m four.  I got a lot of presents.”]

I know that this letter is a little bit jumbled, but I have so much I want to say to you today, on your 4th birthday.  I love you.  I’m proud of you.  I thank God for you.  I am happy to guide you.  I am sorry for when I’m not the best mother I can be.  I need your help to get it all right.  I appreciate your spirit.  You are my girl.  You are special.  You are strong.  You are brave.  You are beautiful.

I couldn’t love you any more than I do, and I couldn’t be more proud,
Love,
Mommy

Today’s a day like any other
But I am changed
I am a mother
Oh in an instant
And who I was has disappeared
It doesn’t matter, now you’re here
So innocent
I was lost for you to find
And now I’m yours and you are mine
Two tiny hands, a pair of eyes
An unsung melody is mine for safekeeping
And I will guard it with my life
I’d hang the moon for it to shine on her sleeping
Starting here and starting now
I can feel the heart of how
Everything changes
My heart’s at the wheel now
And all my mistakes
They make sense when I turn them around
Everything changes
What I thought was so permanent fades
And I swear I’ll remember to say we were both born today
Oh, and it’s true
What did I do to deserve you
I didn’t know, but now I see
Sometimes what is, is meant to be
You saved me
My blurry lines, my messy life
Come into focus in a tied, maybe
I can heal and I can breathe
‘Cause I can feel myself believe
That everything changes
My heart’s at the wheel now
And all my mistakes
They make sense when I turn them around
Everything changes
What I thought was so permanent fades
And I swear I’ll remember to say we were both born today
Oh, and it’s true
What did I do to deserve you
Thank God for you

-Sara Bareilles

Dear Harriet, Age 2

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Dear Harriet,

Today you turn two.  I am so excited to watch you grow up.

andthenthey harriet camping hikingOne was a fun year.  We got to know your personality so much.  You are growing and changing so quickly.  You are a good sleeper, a good eater, a good dancer, a funny girl.  You can run and jump and play with the best of them.

andthenthey harriet camping watchingOne thing that I love about you is your love of being outside.  We recently took you camping for the first time and you ate it up.  You loved running in the trees, playing in the river, getting dirty, and being free.  When we finally went to bed, you jumped in your crib as if you were asking why we were going to bed.  You could have stayed up all night!

andthenthey harriet camping1You love people.  You love Alma.  You love your grandparents (especially your grandfathers!).  You are a watcher.  You will just sit with your hands in your lap watching what’s happening.  Then you are a doer.  You don’t sit for long before you’re joining in on the action!

andthenthey harriet camping sittingYou love music and dancing.  It makes me so happy to watch your sweet moves.  Your favorite CD is Cross Current and you get upset when there’s a different CD in the player.

andthenthey harriet camping swimmingHarriet, you are so tough.  You’re strong and brave and I am so proud of that.  You stand up for yourself.  But you also care about others.

andthenthey harriet camping smoresYou will start school in a couple weeks and I’m so excited for you.  I know you will love playing with your teachers and making new friends.  I can’t wait to see all the amazing things you will learn to do in the next year.

andthenthey harriet camping2I loved this past school year and all the time we got to spend together, just us.  I loved dropping Alma off at school, and just walking and walking and walking with you.  It was truly a precious time for me.  I am excited for you to start school, but I also am sad because I know that I’ll miss you.  It won’t be the same.

andthenthey harriet camping runningSo, happy birthday, my sweet girl.  One was great, but two will be even better.

I love you I love you I love you,

Your Mommy

andthenthey harriet camping mommy

 

Dear Harriet, On Your First Birthday

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IMG_3724Dearest little Hattie,

You are now a year old.  You have been in our world for a year.  A whole year.  It is almost impossible to believe.  This year really has flown by.  It is a blur.  It is a fun, funny, overwhelming blur.

IMG_3729When we decided to have another baby, we had no idea how lucky we were going to be.  We were so lucky to have you as our baby.  No other baby could have added such joy to our lives.  No other baby could have been a better little sister for our Alma.  No other baby could have such such amazing and adorable cheeks.IMG_3732You have grown so much this year.  You started out with just 8 1/2 pounds, now you are nearly 20 pounds!  You have worked hard to grow so much – you have been a good eater from the start, and you love all the new foods we give you.  Your favorites are tomatoes, yogurt, grapes, blueberries, strawberries, pasta, and whatever Alma’s eating.IMG_3736You can walk, but you usually choose to crawl.  I think your record for steps is somewhere around 15.  You still can’t figure out how to stand up when you don’t have something to help pull up on.  I think once you get that figured out, you’ll be running all over the place.  As it is now, you’ll follow Alma around all day.

IMG_3740Right now, you want to be held by me all the time.  If I put you down, you do this terribly sad thing where you fold in half, with your face on the ground, and cry.  If you see me in the room, you pretty much just want me, but as soon as I’m out of your sight, you’re fine with whatever.

IMG_3743You can say ‘da’ for dog, ‘ba’ for ball, ‘ma’ for more, ‘baba’ for Papa or Grandpa, ‘dada’ for Daddy, and that’s about it.  I have yet to hear a ‘mama,’ but that’s okay.

IMG_3752This first year has been busy and hard, but it’s also been the best.  I love to watch you and Alma play.  I love to watch you learn new things.  I love to watch you watch the world.

You are sweet and precious and adventurous and strong.

You are My Hattie, My Harebear, My Hattie-Boo-Boo, My Hattie Bug Bites, My Harriet.

I love you forever, sweet baby girl,

Your Mommy

A Love Letter to My Two-Year-Old

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Dear Alma,

Today you turn two years old.  Two years ago, you gave me the best thing in the world.  You gave me you.  You made me a mom.  You made me your mom.  That is important for you to know.  I love being your mom.  You are best two-year-old there ever was.  As your mom, I’m supposed to think that, but believe me, Alma, it is true.  I have never known anything to be more true than that.  You are the best.  You are beautiful, Alma.

Your mind is the best.  Right now you are talking to yourself, or your dolls, or your dreams, in your crib.  You should be napping, but I love to hear your sweet voice through your door.  The nap will come soon enough, when you decide to lay your head on your pillow and fall asleep.  As a two-year-old, I see things in you that weren’t there last year.  You are able to play by yourself so well.  Your imagination astonishes me everyday.  You create little games, and turn toys into different things all the time.  Your creativity is beautiful, Alma.

Your body is the best.  Your body has grown so much this year.  You are really learning how to use your strong, graceful, energetic body.  You love dancing so much these days.  Ever since we saw the Nutcracker at the library, you are a regular little ballerina.  You ask for music all the time.  When the music comes on, you dance.  I love watching everything about how you dance.  You get such a serious face, or sometimes a proud little grin.  You control your body as you mimic what you saw the dancers do.  I can tell that in your mind, you look just like them.  I love how you seamlessly go between the soft moves of the Sugar Plum Fairy, to the sword thrusting moves of the Mouse King.  And you can jump!  Boy, how you can jump!  Your body is beautiful, Alma.

Your brain is the best.  You learn new words everyday.  The words you’ve known for a long time are starting to come out of your little mouth, in your most amazing voice.  You are starting to learn your colors.  You call me Mom or Mama.  Your dad is Daddy or Dada or somethings Jesse.  Harriet is Hathhh with your tongue sticking out.  You love to look at books.  You love to read them yourself, making up amazing stories in your own little language.  You like to tell these stories to Harriet.  You can follow my directions.  You are quick to figure things out, like how to use your blocks, unlock Nana’s cell phone, buckle your high chair straps.  Your brain is beautiful, Alma

Your love is the best.  I have seen your love in such an incredible way this year.  When you met your sister, I think your heart must have grown a few sizes.  The way you look at her, especially now that she’s starting to be more fun, is astonishing.  You love to see Harriet looking at you, watching you, smiling at you.  I can tell you love having Harriet on your team.  Your love is beautiful, Alma.

You are the best.  You are so, so beautiful, Alma.  I am so excited to see the ways you will grow more beautiful this year, Alma.

Love,

Your Mommy

Baby Alma