writing

A Day In The Life – January 13, 2016

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06

6:52 – I want to remember how every single day Harriet wakes up and asks Jesse for milk in her Dora cup.  I want to remember how she says Doa Bup.  I want to remember how she can point to Dora and Boots, but that she’s never actually seen the show (as far as I know).

9:13 – I want to remember how this morning got away from me and suddenly I was at work and I hadn’t taken any photos of getting ready, dropping the kids off at dad’s house, getting to school, preparing the lessons, drinking my coffee.  I also want to remember these fun kids.  7th graders are so entirely funny.

10:38 – I want to remember how, even as a sub, I get to teach some of my favorite lessons.  The teacher for whom I was subbing didn’t have time to really prepare a lesson, but we texted about what was going on.  I was happy that she was talking about heroes, and I jumped at the chance to do one of my favorite activities about the Hero Cycle.  It’s not a particularly difficult activity, but it really helps the students understand the Hero Cycle.

11:35 – I want to remember this school.  It’s where I did my student teaching, and a big chunk of my subbing.  It has changed a lot, but it has a lot of heart.  The kids are charming and funny and bright.  The staff is full of some of my very favorite people.  It’s also a fancy new building with lots of great things, the least of which is the instant hot water in the staff rooms.  But that hot water tap was pretty great during my two day job there.

12:35 – I want to remember these days of papers to grade, lessons to teach, ideas to share.

2:32 – I want to remember the energy of kids at the end of the day.  They know that freedom is soon theirs, and it’s electric.  It’s like a surge, then they leave and it’s silence.

2:38 – I want to remember raindrops and windows and school buses.

4:18 – I want to remember how Alma is requesting certain songs when we’re in the car.  It used to be the ‘paper song,’ also known as ‘the monkey on your back,’ officially known as “Anyone Else But You” by the Moldy Peaches.  Lately it’s been “The Dreaming Tree” by Dave Matthews, which I obviously love.  She asks lots of interesting questions about the song.  She asks about death and about trees.  She will see a tree out her window and ask if it’s the Dreaming Tree.

4:56 – I want to remember how Alma had a fever for 4 days and didn’t have much appetite.  Seeing her eat a bowl of yogurt while watching Octonauts made me very happy.

5:47 – I want to remember cooking with Jesse.  We make a good team, and it gives us a chance to talk and catch up after our days.  I love that man, and love that we get to do this life together.

6:18 – I want to remember how this girl won’t stop dancing and singing ever, even with a 4 days fever.  Tonight we had a dance party to “Everything is Awesome” because we had a family movie night and watched The Lego Movie and it’s stuck in all our heads.  But it’s true – everything is awesome.

6:33 – I want to remember how much these girls love the bath.  I want to remember Harriet’s curls, especially when they’re wet.

8:49 – I want to remember these tea dates with Katrina.  It does my heart and soul so much good to get out of the house and spend time with her.  Talking about jobs and kids and our lives is so easy and great with Katrina.  We were joined by another sweet friend, Christy, when she happened to come to the teahouse to stock up.  It felt good to talk and laugh and connect with these two wonderful mamas.

Other Days In The Life:
May 12, 2015
September 9, 2015
November 11, 2015

When to Apologize?

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Apologize: to offer an apology or excuse for some fault, insult, failure, or injury

Lately Alma has been doing something that concerns me.  She will say something silly, or do something goofy, and immediately say, “Sorry ’bout dat,” with a shrug and a self-depreciating eye roll.  For example, she will pronounce a word wrong, or mix up her words, or stumble a little bit.  Something about which she absolutely doesn’t need to feel sorry.

It reminds me of those studies that show that women, in group meetings or classes, will say, “I’m sorry…” then ask their question or make their comment.  I’m pretty sure I read about this in Lean In by Sheryl Sandberg, but I’ve been thinking about it for a long time.

It’s a hedge, something we say to fill space or make excuses.  How many times have you said your opinion and finished up with, “…but that’s just what I think,” in order to avoid a confrontation.  That’s a hedge.  So is saying you’re sorry, oftentimes.

And this phenomenon is certainly more common with women than with men.  I have been around groups of women who constantly apologize to each other, for every little thing.  Even if it’s the other person’s fault.  Even if it’s nobody’s fault.  How many times have you asked someone who was blocking your way to move by first saying sorry?  Why do we apologize to someone who is standing in the doorway, or blocking the thing we need, when it’s obvious that they’re in the wrong?

The act of saying you’re sorry when you’ve done nothing wrong makes us look weak.  It is admitting that we have no power in our situation.  It is admitting that we feel that what we have to say, or do, is less important than others.

I don’t want my daughters to believe this about themselves.  I want them to own their opinions, their actions, and their questions.  They are strong, and their voices are important.  I want them to know that they can ask their question, or make a correction, or add an opinion without being perceived as aggressive.  Moreover, I want them to know that it’s okay to be aggressive.  If they make a mistake, they can own it without apologizing, especially if it doesn’t affect anyone else, like when Alma mispronounces a word.

Raising daughters, this goes even further.  I don’t want my girls to ever apologize for not wanting to hug or kiss someone. I’ve written before about how I never make them hug or kiss anyone if they don’t want to. I want them to be strong and feel like they don’t ever have to apologize for this.  When they’re teenagers and young adults, I want them to be confident that they can turn down sexual advances without an apology.  They don’t have to do anything they don’t want to do, and they don’t have to apologize for it.

This all isn’t to say that I never want my kids to apologize.  I certainly want them to say they’re sorry when they’ve hurt someone.  I’ve started saying, “Only apologize when you’ve done something wrong” whenever Alma does this.  I want to break the habit.  There is a line in Sarah Kay’s poem “Point B” that says “always apologize when you’ve done something wrong but don’t you ever apologize for the way your eyes refuse to stop shining.”  And that’s really it, isn’t it?  I just want my girls to shine and not have to apologize about it.

Autumn Book Report, 2015

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And Then They Summer Books

The Nightingale by Kristin Hannah.  This was a slam-dunk for me.  It is set in France – check.  It is set during World War II – check.  It deals with motherhood – check.  It is well written – check.

My dad loaned me this historical fiction novel and I absolutely loved it.  It is the story of sisters, mothers, fathers, survival, choices, war, love, and women.  You get to read about the lives of two sisters and their experiences during WWII in France.  They each make their own decisions about how to handle the occupation.

Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe by Benjamin Alire Sáenz.  I picked this one up during one of my jobs in a middle school.  To be honest, I grabbed it because I love Dante and thought it might take about his work.  It didn’t really do that, but it was still a very good book.  It is about two teenage boys who meet and become friends.  It is a good coming of age story, and I would highly recommend it to teenage kids, especially boys or those who are interested in LGBT stories.

Love, Nina by Nina Stibbe.  This was a book club book, and it was really good.  I never would have read this if it hadn’t been for book club.  It is an epistolary memoir from Nina’s time as a nanny for a creative, quirky family.  I read it wondering if it had a point, but maybe that was the point.  I laughed out loud in public while reading it.  The characters are incredible and hilarious.

Moon Over Manifest by Clare Vanderpool.  This was another reread.  I love this book so much.  I had Jesse read it, too.  It’s such a lovely story of family and love and community.  The main character is a spunky girl who lands in a mysterious and eclectic town during the Great Depression.  It’s  a Newberry winner, so there you go.

From the Mixed-up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler by E.L. Konigsburg.  Another favorite of mine.  I have read this many, many times.  It has it all – mystery, adventure, art history, strong female characters.

I’ll Give You the Sun by Jandy Nelson.  My book club pick for December.  I loved it.  It’s another young adult novel, but I’d say it’s more for high school than middle school.  It is a lovely story about twins and growing up.  It’s unique because it’s told from both twins’ perspectives – but at different times.  You hear Noah’s story from when the twins were 14, and you hear Jude’s story from when they were 17.  A lot has happened in between, and the story unfolds through both of their narrations.  There is art, love, coming of age, mystery, love, magical realism, ghosts, love, family, and love.  One of my new favorites.

Dear Alma, Age 4

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Photo by Outi Henry

Dear Alma,

January 3rd is a very special day to me.  Not only is it the day you were born, but it is the day that I became a mother.  I don’t know why, but this past year, I’ve been thinking about that a lot.

Photo by Outi Henry

Yesterday, I asked you if you knew that I wasn’t a mommy before I had you.  You looked surprised and asked me, “What were you?”  I told you I was just Carolyn and that seemed to make sense.

Whenever I talk about things I did before you were born, you always say, “And I was in your tummy.”  I used to explain that no, not yet.  Now I don’t correct you.  Maybe it’s because you’ve been here so long that it’s almost hard to image who Carolyn was before you made me into Mommy.  Maybe it’s because I’ve realized that in some way, you have always been with me.

Photo by Outi Henry

There’s a song that I’m listening to on repeat right now.  It’s from a new musical by Sara Bareilles about a woman, who, in the end has a baby.  She looks into her baby’s eyes and instantly becomes a mother.

I know that everything changed when I had you, Alma. Everything.

I used to be able to read books about children without crying.  Now, I’m a mess reading to you.  I can’t read Rosie Revere without thinking about how you need to know how capable you are.  I can’t read On the Night You Were Born without thinking about how important you are.  Even books I used to love have changed.  When I read From the Mixed-up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler, I see the story from the parents’ perspective, and it makes the book much less enjoyable.

Anyway, Alma, this is all to say that 4 year ago everything changed.  I changed.  The whole world changed.  This world used to be full of possibilities for my life, now it’s full of so much more.  It’s full of a whole lifetime of possibilities for you.

Photo by Outi Henry

This past year you have really become a person to me.  You have grown up so much.  You can express yourself perfectly.  You have such a funny sense of humor.  You are confident and strong.  [Today you went up in front of our whole church, by yourself, and said “I’m Alma.  Today’s my birthday.  I’m four.  I got a lot of presents.”]

I know that this letter is a little bit jumbled, but I have so much I want to say to you today, on your 4th birthday.  I love you.  I’m proud of you.  I thank God for you.  I am happy to guide you.  I am sorry for when I’m not the best mother I can be.  I need your help to get it all right.  I appreciate your spirit.  You are my girl.  You are special.  You are strong.  You are brave.  You are beautiful.

I couldn’t love you any more than I do, and I couldn’t be more proud,
Love,
Mommy

Today’s a day like any other
But I am changed
I am a mother
Oh in an instant
And who I was has disappeared
It doesn’t matter, now you’re here
So innocent
I was lost for you to find
And now I’m yours and you are mine
Two tiny hands, a pair of eyes
An unsung melody is mine for safekeeping
And I will guard it with my life
I’d hang the moon for it to shine on her sleeping
Starting here and starting now
I can feel the heart of how
Everything changes
My heart’s at the wheel now
And all my mistakes
They make sense when I turn them around
Everything changes
What I thought was so permanent fades
And I swear I’ll remember to say we were both born today
Oh, and it’s true
What did I do to deserve you
I didn’t know, but now I see
Sometimes what is, is meant to be
You saved me
My blurry lines, my messy life
Come into focus in a tied, maybe
I can heal and I can breathe
‘Cause I can feel myself believe
That everything changes
My heart’s at the wheel now
And all my mistakes
They make sense when I turn them around
Everything changes
What I thought was so permanent fades
And I swear I’ll remember to say we were both born today
Oh, and it’s true
What did I do to deserve you
Thank God for you

-Sara Bareilles

The Power of Words

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The Power of Words

IMG_0309Words have power.  Written words can be powerful if arranged in the perfect combination.  Written words can be powerful if read at an important time.

But, spoken words.  Spoken words hold a power that is hardly ever matched.  Look at Churchill and how he inspired a damaged and hopeless nation.  Look at Lincoln and how he united and freed and led.  Look at King and how he changed the world and accomplished something impossible.

I’m watching my two-year-old discover the power of her voice.  A couple months ago, she didn’t have any words.  Now, if you’re listening, she’s telling you everything on her mind.  Everyday she learns new words, and figures out how to pronounce them.  There is a power in her words, and she’s just learning how to use it.

I can’t tell you how many times during each day I say, “Use your words.”  I’m not only telling my kids to communicate what they need with words, but I’m telling them that their words have power.  I’m telling them that their voices have power.

There are some words that hold more power than others.  One word I teach my girls to wield and use is this – no.  No.  When we are playing and they say ‘no,’ or ‘stop,’ I stop.  It feels like my girls are too young to even be affected by the rape culture in which we live, but I know that it is irresponsible to just ignore it.  I need to teach my girls to honor themselves, and to know their worth.

I teach my girls that they can say ‘no’ to anyone.  If I ask for a hug and they don’t want to hug me, they have the power to say ‘no.’  If grandparents are saying goodbye and want a kiss, but they don’t want to, they have the power to say ‘no.’

Sometimes, when we’re out, Alma will scowl at strangers and refuse to talk to them.  She won’t give them high fives or say hello.  I appreciate this from her, I know that she’s doing what feels right.  It feels strange, but I try not to change her in these moments.

“I won’t raise her to be nice, to give her laugh away… I can’t trust this world to teach their sons how to treat my daughter, so I will raise her to be a sword, a spear, a shield.” –  Elizabeth Acevedo

I want my daughters to know the reality of their world, and I want them to be prepared for anything.  I am teaching them to talk, but I’m also teaching them to use their words.  I want them to see the world with wonder and joy, but not naivete.

This is a world where they need to be spears and shields, but it’s also a world “made out of sugar, it can crumble so easily, but don’t be afraid to stick your tongue out and taste it… Always apologize when you’ve done something wrong, but don’t you ever apologize for the way your eyes refuse to stop shining, your voice is small, but don’t ever stop singing.  And when they finally hand you heartache, when they slip war and hatred under your door and offer you handouts on street corners of cynicism and defeat, you tell them that they really ought to meet your mother.” (Sarah Kay)

I also want to teach my daughters the power of another word – yes.  I want them to go out into the world with hope and excitement.  I want them to embrace the world and everything that comes their way.  I want them to try and say yes and yes and yes.  I want them to see me as who I am – a positive, hopeful woman.  I want them to know that their mother isn’t scared to live in this world.   I see the wonder in the world every single day.

Sometimes when we’re out, Alma is amazingly outgoing and personable.  She will ask strangers if they want to come over to our house.  She will hold hands with someone she just met.  She will smile and dance and play.  I also appreciate this from her.  I love her innocence and her belief that the world is good and that people aren’t out to hurt her – I agree with her that this, for the most part, is true.

I want my daughters to trust that this world is good, but to be ready for when it isn’t.  And I’m going to show them poems, and teach them words, and tell them to never stop using their words.

Friday Random Ramblings

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The blog has kind of gotten away from me this week.  I’ve had a few posts planned, but my camera has been held hostage in my parents’ car.  If I take some of our homebrew, they say I can have it back.  But until I can get around to doing that, I thought I would just write.

Right now, I’m sitting at a coffee shop.  My back is to the fire and there is a distinct Autumny feel in the air.  It’s colder, there’s a sharp breeze.  I can smell wood smoke from fires in the neighborhood.

I’m sharing a long, wooden table with two older women and a sharply dressed boy.  They each have a copy of the New York Times crossword puzzle.  They are discussing all the answers, and it’s one of the most heartwarming things I’ve ever seen.

The boy is probably in middle school, but he acts much older.  He has a dark plaid button up shirt, a charcoal vest, and a maroon necktie.  He knows the answers for philosopher’s quotations, and other literature questions.  He just asked one of the women for the definition of ‘iambic.’

I think a lot about what I can do for my kids that will help them turn out like this boy.  There’s something that I do each time I substitute teach.  I look at all the girls in the class and decide which ones I want Alma and Harriet to be like.  It’s always the girls who are creative, funny, personable.  The ones who are helpful and comfortable speaking with a grown-up.  Not necessarily the most popular, or the ones with the best hair.  One day I wrote down all the things that the good girls are like – they draw, they read, they participate, they volunteer, they have boy friends, but not boyfriends (although, a boyfriend like this crossword puzzle boy would be fine with me).

As Alma and Harriet grow up, I am learning more and more about their personalities.  Alma is gregarious; she says hello to everyone and often invites them to come to our house.  Harriet is more reserved, and very stubborn; she can throw an epic fit if she doesn’t get what she wants.

Another thing I do when I sub is try to find the girls who most remind me of my girls, and this isn’t always the same girl as the one I described above.  For Alma, it’s usually the girl who is most like I was in middle school.

So far, I think that Alma is pretty much just like me – she looks like me, she acts like me.  In middle school, I was a weirdo.  I had lots of friends, but wasn’t the queen bee or anything.  I liked musicals, dance, music, and boys.  I danced around the hallways like a goofball.  My locker was very ‘cultural’ – I had ticket stubs, postcards of Monet’s paintings – and I was very proud of this fact.  I’m pretty sure Alma will be a lot like that.

I’m not as sure about Harriet yet.  Granted, she isn’t talking much yet, so it’s a bit hard to guess what her personality will be.  I imagine that her fits are a result of her inability to communicate.  I also image that her stubborn streak will stay.  That’s okay – there’s nothing wrong with a strong woman with strong opinions and convictions.  Lean in, Harriet.  I just need to make sure to encourage her to use her strength for good and noble causes.

Well, they just finished the puzzle.  Them women congratulated the young man for his skillful participation.  With that, I will bring this to a close.  If you’re still reading, thank you for letting me ramble on.  Have a great weekend!

Summer To Do List, Wrap-up!

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Here are some updates from our summer to do list.  I think we did quite a good job checking things off the list.  We didn’t get to everything, but we got to a lot!  At the beginning of the summer, I was so anxious and scared about what I was going to do to keep all of us entertained for the entire summer.  It all worked out and we had lots of fun.  We got into a groove and had lots of help.

  • Pick a summer theme song. Right now I’m thinking of something by Jenny Lewis or Rilo Kiley.  We just saw Jenny last week, so I’m on a Jenny/Rilo kick.  Or I might throw back to some of my favorite summers, and go with a Dave Matthews song.  DMB songs always make me think of summer.
    I decided on Budapest because it’s fun, it’s on the radio a lot, and Peter just did a cool version.
  • Take, and post to Instagram, a photo every day, starting June 21st and ending September 22nd – the first and last days of summer.  Recently I’ve gotten into sharing my day to day stuff on Snapchat, and haven’t been posting as much on Instagram.  I think I’ll look back and wish I’d taken more permanent documentation of these days.  This summer, I will post (at least) one photo a day and I’ll use the hashtag #93summerdays if you want to play along! I did this pretty well!  The past few weeks, I sort of stopped because it hasn’t felt very summery.  I did have one friend play along, and it was fun to see our photos together in the #93summerdays on Instagram.  Thanks for playing, Meredith!
  • Run through the sprinklers.  I tend to be an observer in this activity.  I vow to participate this summer. I did this a couple times, but I also got in the kiddie pool, too!
  • Play outside everyday.  This is a long-term goal to get my kids to play outside everyday, rain or shine or snow or fog or whatever.  I think they’re getting to be old enough, and creative enough that I can start this.  Best to start in the summer, I figure! Not sure we did this absolutely everyday, but pretty darn close!
  • Have a dinner of corn on the cob.  When corn is in season, there’s nothing better. Nope. We had some good corn, but not a full meal.  Then we started Whole30 and couldn’t eat corn anymore at all.
  • Go to a concert. We went to a few of the free concerts at the Hult Center.  It was fun to have things to do out on the town.
  • Stargaze with Alma. Ideally, I want to take her out into the country or wilderness where stars are brighter.  I think it would be fun to let her stay up late (or get her up) and take her out, just the two of us. Nope.  It got dark way too late for this.  Maybe we’ll bundle up and do it this winter.
  • KonMari Method everything. This will likely be an entire blog post, but I have read The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up and am in the process of getting rid of things that don’t spark joy.  It’s already been incredible, I can’t wait to continue. We are soooo close to being done!  I did the photographs last weekend, and there are just a few boxes in the attic to tackle.  I’ve been waiting for it to cool down so it’s not an oven up there. 
  • Go on a day date with Jesse. 
  • Hike.
  • Camp.  We went to my parents’ annual campout for Harriet’s first camping trip.  She loved it and we all had fun!
  • Ride bikes.  We didn’t ride as much as I thought we would…
  • Make lemonade from scratch.  Nope.
  • Watch fireworks.  Big ones this year, I think. Nope.  Next year.
  • Build a sandcastle. In Coronado, Alma spent lots of time digging and building and ruining sand castles.
  • Make ice cream from scratch.
    We made a cherry dark chocolate ice cream.  I liked it, Alma didn’t, Jesse was indifferent, Harriet likes anything.
  • Redecorate the living room – specifically the mantel. It still is covered in Easter decorations.  Come on.  Jesus has already ascended into Heaven and we’re fully in a new church season.  Seriously, Carolyn. We did this, but now it’s time to do it again!
  • Go to the beach.  This should be easy.  We have another vacation to Coronado planned. Yep.  Alma loved it, Harriet fell asleep every time we went to play in the waves.
  • Go to the mountains.
  • Bake a crisp, or other summery dessert.   Blueberry cobbler ftw.
  • Swim in nature – ocean, river, lake, stream.
  • Eat wild berries. Nope.  What?  How did we miss this?
  • Make s’mores.
  • Take each Harriet and Alma on an adventure, just us.  I don’t think we really did this… I mean, I spent some time with each of them, but not on purpose.
  • Plan our tenth anniversary celebration.  Ten years!  What? We are still working on this one…
  • Learn how to shop at thrift stores.  They totally overwhelm me and I never buy anything.  I love to idea of not wearing new clothes – better for earth, better for the workers who make clothes, cheaper – I just don’t know how to do it. Nope.  Someday, maybe!
  • Go to the Country Fair. Photos here!
  • Go to new parks.  Maybe try for all the parks in Eugene?  Is that crazy?  Anyone want to attempt this with us? We went to lots of new parks and found some new favorites! 
  • Shop at the farmer’s market as often as possible.  Maybe make it a weekly activity. We never really made it to the farmer’s market, but we went to the farm a lot!  I decided it would be much easier with the girls to go somewhere that they can run around, feed goats, climb in hay, etc.
  • Have a water balloon fight. Ugh!  We never did this!  Boo!
  • Buy some treats from the ice cream truck. I tried hard for this one.  We never even saw an ice cream truck, darn it!  A couple times after the kids were in bed I heard one in the distance…
  • Go to the library.  Another weekly activity? We went a lot, but not weekly.
  • Swim in a pool. We went to my parents’ club pool a few times.  Both girls love being in the water.  Alma got really brave with jumping off, and even went off the diving board!
  • Tie dye something. Nope.
  • Go berry picking. Nope.

 

Summer Book Report, 2015

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I wish I had paid more attention to all the books I’ve been reading this year since it’s part of my 35 Before 35 deal. Oh well, here are the books I read this summer (to the best of my memory… I suppose if I’m missing something it wasn’t that great anyway).

And Then They Summer BooksAll the Light We Cannot See by Anthony Doerr.  One of my top 5 books of all time.  This book is amazing and beautiful and difficult and lovely.  Set in Europe – mostly France – during World War II, it follows three different characters.  I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, but I love child narrators.  Two of the narrators are young people and their stories are told with fragility and depth.  This is a war story, a mystery, a love story.  It broke me and it raised me.  Please read it.

The Girl On the Train by Paula Hawkins.  This one was for book club, but I had already read it.  Fitting with many of the other books we’ve read in book club, it was full of unreliable narrators.  This is an interesting literary idea, but I’m afraid it’s getting played out.  I mean, really, what does it say about our culture is full of books and movies and shows with liars, antiheroes, and despicable people about whom we are supposed to care?  That’s how I felt about this book – I just didn’t really care. I didn’t care what happened to the characters because they weren’t good people.  That being said, I read this book completely and quickly.  It was interesting enough and I supposed I cared about the characters enough to find out what happened.  I just didn’t feel good about it as I was reading it.  Does that make sense?  No, not at all?  Okay, moving on.

The Vacationers by Emma Straub.  I picked this book up on the Lucky Day shelf near the checkout line at the library.  It was a quick, easy, summertime book.  It is about a family who travels to Spain at a very turbulent time in all of their lives.  Not literature by any stretch of the imagination.  Completely predictable, yet enjoyable.  The characters were simple, but at least they were honest!

Great House by Nicole Krauss.  I love Nicole Krauss.  Obviously, since I named my daughter after some characters in The History of Love. I’ve been meaning to read this book for a long time, and earlier this summer I found myself at the library by myself with time to actually venture beyond the children’s section.  I picked it up and started it right away.  The story was interesting and enthralling.  It is about a desk and its owners and how they are connected through wars and across continents.  I really liked the story, and that kept me reading.  The writing I could barely handle.  Krauss used eternal paragraphs, and this just got under my skin.  It was difficult to read, the long paragraphs, the dialog not traditionally broken up.  But I kept with it and I’m glad I did.  This is a story that I love.  It raises questions about loss, memory, and what we are leaving for our children along the way.  It is a beautiful piece of literature full of amazing words and sentences crafted by a true artist.

Sisters, Long Ago by Peg Kehret.  This is one of those ridiculous things about childhood.  I borrowed this book from my best friend Susan Schoenfeld when we were probably in 5th grade.  I know this because her name is still in the cover.  Meaning I actually stole this book from my best friend Susan Schoenfeld.  Sorry, Sue-Sue.  I can mail it to you if you want it back.  But it’s really not a great book.  It’s just a good book that takes me back to my childhood.  It’s about a young girl who has a flashback to a past life in Egypt.  I’ve read this book probably a dozen times over the years, mostly because it’s there and it’s quick and it’s entertaining.

Hands Free Mama by Rachel Macy Stafford.  I’m working my way through this book and I am loving it.  It is inspiring and lovely.  I’m sure I’ll do a more complete review in 2016.

Dear Harriet, Age 2

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Dear Harriet,

Today you turn two.  I am so excited to watch you grow up.

andthenthey harriet camping hikingOne was a fun year.  We got to know your personality so much.  You are growing and changing so quickly.  You are a good sleeper, a good eater, a good dancer, a funny girl.  You can run and jump and play with the best of them.

andthenthey harriet camping watchingOne thing that I love about you is your love of being outside.  We recently took you camping for the first time and you ate it up.  You loved running in the trees, playing in the river, getting dirty, and being free.  When we finally went to bed, you jumped in your crib as if you were asking why we were going to bed.  You could have stayed up all night!

andthenthey harriet camping1You love people.  You love Alma.  You love your grandparents (especially your grandfathers!).  You are a watcher.  You will just sit with your hands in your lap watching what’s happening.  Then you are a doer.  You don’t sit for long before you’re joining in on the action!

andthenthey harriet camping sittingYou love music and dancing.  It makes me so happy to watch your sweet moves.  Your favorite CD is Cross Current and you get upset when there’s a different CD in the player.

andthenthey harriet camping swimmingHarriet, you are so tough.  You’re strong and brave and I am so proud of that.  You stand up for yourself.  But you also care about others.

andthenthey harriet camping smoresYou will start school in a couple weeks and I’m so excited for you.  I know you will love playing with your teachers and making new friends.  I can’t wait to see all the amazing things you will learn to do in the next year.

andthenthey harriet camping2I loved this past school year and all the time we got to spend together, just us.  I loved dropping Alma off at school, and just walking and walking and walking with you.  It was truly a precious time for me.  I am excited for you to start school, but I also am sad because I know that I’ll miss you.  It won’t be the same.

andthenthey harriet camping runningSo, happy birthday, my sweet girl.  One was great, but two will be even better.

I love you I love you I love you,

Your Mommy

andthenthey harriet camping mommy

 

Doing, Trying, Beginning. Peter Hollens Told Me To.

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Today, Peter Hollens addressed the University of Oregon graduates as the keynote speaker at their commencement ceremony.  First of all, how cool is that!?, second of all, he had some amazing things to say.

Just begin.  Try.  If you don’t try, you will automatically fail.  And what’s worse, you will learn nothing.  Most people think something to death.  Yes, it’s good to dream it, but then do it… I encourage you to experiment and follow your most passionate instincts.  Screw that; I demand it.  You aren’t here on Earth to just go through the motions.  If you love doing something, go after it.  And go after it with every part of your being.

– Peter Hollens

 June 15, 2015

Peter Hollens UO Commencement
Photo from Peter’s Instagram Account (click photo for link)

What sparks joy in my life?  What are my most passionate instincts?  Where will my dreams lead me?

I love sewing.  Creating something out of nothing is exhilarating.  Using something I’ve made is exhilarating.  Seeing my daughters wear the dresses I’ve made them is exhilarating.

I love writing.  I love sitting down, putting music on, and writing.  Organizing my thoughts into words and sentences and paragraphs is exhilarating.  Sharing those words on this blog is exhilarating.  Knowing that people read them is exhilarating.

When I think about the whole end goal of having a super successful brand, it’s paralyzing.  So I stop.  I get caught up in having a schedule for my blog posts.  I get caught up in trying to make things to put on CaroMade.  I don’t feel the passion anymore, so I stop.

This is the problem for me.  Where do I find the bridge that connects my desire to create, to actually committing to sitting down and creating?  I’ve tried planners, I’ve tried setting aside time.  I read about how everyone else does it – wake up early, stay up late, use this planner, use that app.  “You don’t have to be the best, you just have to work the hardest,” was (and I might not have gotten it exactly right) another thing that Peter said today.

Comparing myself to everyone else won’t help.  Looking at other people’s success might inspire, but it won’t help.  The only thing that could help would be trying.  Learning. Beginning.  Doing.

So, instead of constantly writing about it (or reading about others), and feeling bad when I don’t get to the blog for a few days, I’m going to just go do it.  I’ll check in here when I can, but I’m going to take the pressure out of the situation, making more room for the passion.  And I’ll go after it with every part of my being, like Peter demands.