Dear Alma, Age 4

Dear Alma,

January 3rd is a very special day to me.  Not only is it the day you were born, but it is the day that I became a mother.  I don’t know why, but this past year, I’ve been thinking about that a lot.

Yesterday, I asked you if you knew that I wasn’t a mommy before I had you.  You looked surprised and asked me, “What were you?”  I told you I was just Carolyn and that seemed to make sense.

Whenever I talk about things I did before you were born, you always say, “And I was in your tummy.”  I used to explain that no, not yet.  Now I don’t correct you.  Maybe it’s because you’ve been here so long that it’s almost hard to image who Carolyn was before you made me into Mommy.  Maybe it’s because I’ve realized that in some way, you have always been with me.

There’s a song that I’m listening to on repeat right now.  It’s from a new musical by Sara Bareilles about a woman, who, in the end has a baby.  She looks into her baby’s eyes and instantly becomes a mother.

I know that everything changed when I had you, Alma. Everything.

I used to be able to read books about children without crying.  Now, I’m a mess reading to you.  I can’t read Rosie Revere without thinking about how you need to know how capable you are.  I can’t read On the Night You Were Born without thinking about how important you are.  Even books I used to love have changed.  When I read From the Mixed-up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler, I see the story from the parents’ perspective, and it makes the book much less enjoyable.

Anyway, Alma, this is all to say that 4 year ago everything changed.  I changed.  The whole world changed.  This world used to be full of possibilities for my life, now it’s full of so much more.  It’s full of a whole lifetime of possibilities for you.

This past year you have really become a person to me.  You have grown up so much.  You can express yourself perfectly.  You have such a funny sense of humor.  You are confident and strong.  [Today you went up in front of our whole church, by yourself, and said “I’m Alma.  Today’s my birthday.  I’m four.  I got a lot of presents.”]

I know that this letter is a little bit jumbled, but I have so much I want to say to you today, on your 4th birthday.  I love you.  I’m proud of you.  I thank God for you.  I am happy to guide you.  I am sorry for when I’m not the best mother I can be.  I need your help to get it all right.  I appreciate your spirit.  You are my girl.  You are special.  You are strong.  You are brave.  You are beautiful.

I couldn’t love you any more than I do, and I couldn’t be more proud,
Love,
Mommy

Today’s a day like any other
But I am changed
I am a mother
Oh in an instant
And who I was has disappeared
It doesn’t matter, now you’re here
So innocent
I was lost for you to find
And now I’m yours and you are mine
Two tiny hands, a pair of eyes
An unsung melody is mine for safekeeping
And I will guard it with my life
I’d hang the moon for it to shine on her sleeping
Starting here and starting now
I can feel the heart of how
Everything changes
My heart’s at the wheel now
And all my mistakes
They make sense when I turn them around
Everything changes
What I thought was so permanent fades
And I swear I’ll remember to say we were both born today
Oh, and it’s true
What did I do to deserve you
I didn’t know, but now I see
Sometimes what is, is meant to be
You saved me
My blurry lines, my messy life
Come into focus in a tied, maybe
I can heal and I can breathe
‘Cause I can feel myself believe
That everything changes
My heart’s at the wheel now
And all my mistakes
They make sense when I turn them around
Everything changes
What I thought was so permanent fades
And I swear I’ll remember to say we were both born today
Oh, and it’s true
What did I do to deserve you
Thank God for you

-Sara Bareilles