children Archives - and then they...

Dear Harriet, Age Three

Posted by Carolyn on August 29, 2016 2 Comments

Dear Harriet, My Three Year Old,

Man, has this been a year? You started school, you really started talking, you grew and changed and became a little girl. You have figured out how to fight back – fight back against Alma when she tries to get too older sibling on you, fight back against us when we tell you that you can’t have hot cococo all day everyday, you fight back against injustices on the playground. People always tell me they’re impressed with your fortitude. You don’t let people push you around. You are strong and brave, little one.

You are scrappy, and I love that about you. We are both second-borns, so you and I, kid, understand what it’s like to live that way. We understand that sometimes it’s important to bug your older sibling until they fight back, then to go running to your parent so the sibling gets in trouble. But, kid, you need to understand that I see right through it when you do it. I see right through it, but I still love it because I get you. I feel you. All I have to say about it is: sorry Alma (and sorry Dan).

But you are also very dear. One of the things you say all the time these days is, “Excuse me mommy (or Grams, daddy, Papa, Nana, Grandpa, Grammy… whomever). I wuv you.” It’s always a surprise because I always assume that you’re going to be asking for more hot cococo, then you turn everything upside-down with your sweetness. You can tell me that you wuv me all day everyday, that’s fine with me.

When you’re into something, you’ll spend so much time with it. When we went camping, you were all about building the fairy village. At the playground with your friends, you’ve been known to build very cool towers out of pine cones and sticks, or to fill up a hollow tree with rotten apples (side-note: rotten apples are your favorite things. When we tell you to think of something happy, you think about rotten apples) – all the while directing your friends and making sure they’re doing it right. You’re a leader and creative and I think that’s really cool.

Here’s my promise to you this year: I will cherish you. I will be gentle with you. I will be kind to you. I will love you and I will tell you so everyday. I will hold you. I will let you grow. I will laugh with you. I will cry with you. I will cherish you.

All my love,

Mommy

When to Apologize?

Posted by Carolyn on January 13, 2016 4 Comments

Apologize: to offer an apology or excuse for some fault, insult, failure, or injury

Lately Alma has been doing something that concerns me. She will say something silly, or do something goofy, and immediately say, “Sorry ’bout dat,” with a shrug and a self-depreciating eye roll. For example, she will pronounce a word wrong, or mix up her words, or stumble a little bit. Something about which she absolutely doesn’t need to feel sorry.

It reminds me of those studies that show that women, in group meetings or classes, will say, “I’m sorry…” then ask their question or make their comment. I’m pretty sure I read about this in Lean In by Sheryl Sandberg, but I’ve been thinking about it for a long time.

It’s a hedge, something we say to fill space or make excuses. How many times have you said your opinion and finished up with, “…but that’s just what I think,” in order to avoid a confrontation. That’s a hedge. So is saying you’re sorry, oftentimes.

And this phenomenon is certainly more common with women than with men. I have been around groups of women who constantly apologize to each other, for every little thing. Even if it’s the other person’s fault. Even if it’s nobody’s fault. How many times have you asked someone who was blocking your way to move by first saying sorry? Why do we apologize to someone who is standing in the doorway, or blocking the thing we need, when it’s obvious that they’re in the wrong?

The act of saying you’re sorry when you’ve done nothing wrong makes us look weak. It is admitting that we have no power in our situation. It is admitting that we feel that what we have to say, or do, is less important than others.

I don’t want my daughters to believe this about themselves. I want them to own their opinions, their actions, and their questions. They are strong, and their voices are important. I want them to know that they can ask their question, or make a correction, or add an opinion without being perceived as aggressive. Moreover, I want them to know that it’s okay to be aggressive. If they make a mistake, they can own it without apologizing, especially if it doesn’t affect anyone else, like when Alma mispronounces a word.

Raising daughters, this goes even further. I don’t want my girls to ever apologize for not wanting to hug or kiss someone. I’ve written before about how I never make them hug or kiss anyone if they don’t want to. I want them to be strong and feel like they don’t ever have to apologize for this. When they’re teenagers and young adults, I want them to be confident that they can turn down sexual advances without an apology. They don’t have to do anything they don’t want to do, and they don’t have to apologize for it.

This all isn’t to say that I never want my kids to apologize. I certainly want them to say they’re sorry when they’ve hurt someone. I’ve started saying, “Only apologize when you’ve done something wrong” whenever Alma does this. I want to break the habit. There is a line in Sarah Kay’s poem “Point B” that says “always apologize when you’ve done something wrong but don’t you ever apologize for the way your eyes refuse to stop shining.” And that’s really it, isn’t it? I just want my girls to shine and not have to apologize about it.

Dear Alma, Age 4

Posted by Carolyn on January 3, 2016 1 Comment

Dear Alma,

January 3rd is a very special day to me. Not only is it the day you were born, but it is the day that I became a mother. I don’t know why, but this past year, I’ve been thinking about that a lot.

Yesterday, I asked you if you knew that I wasn’t a mommy before I had you. You looked surprised and asked me, “What were you?” I told you I was just Carolyn and that seemed to make sense.

Whenever I talk about things I did before you were born, you always say, “And I was in your tummy.” I used to explain that no, not yet. Now I don’t correct you. Maybe it’s because you’ve been here so long that it’s almost hard to image who Carolyn was before you made me into Mommy. Maybe it’s because I’ve realized that in some way, you have always been with me.

There’s a song that I’m listening to on repeat right now. It’s from a new musical by Sara Bareilles about a woman, who, in the end has a baby. She looks into her baby’s eyes and instantly becomes a mother.

I know that everything changed when I had you, Alma. Everything.

I used to be able to read books about children without crying. Now, I’m a mess reading to you. I can’t read Rosie Revere without thinking about how you need to know how capable you are. I can’t read On the Night You Were Born without thinking about how important you are. Even books I used to love have changed. When I read From the Mixed-up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler, I see the story from the parents’ perspective, and it makes the book much less enjoyable.

Anyway, Alma, this is all to say that 4 year ago everything changed. I changed. The whole world changed. This world used to be full of possibilities for my life, now it’s full of so much more. It’s full of a whole lifetime of possibilities for you.

This past year you have really become a person to me. You have grown up so much. You can express yourself perfectly. You have such a funny sense of humor. You are confident and strong. [Today you went up in front of our whole church, by yourself, and said “I’m Alma. Today’s my birthday. I’m four. I got a lot of presents.”]

I know that this letter is a little bit jumbled, but I have so much I want to say to you today, on your 4th birthday. I love you. I’m proud of you. I thank God for you. I am happy to guide you. I am sorry for when I’m not the best mother I can be. I need your help to get it all right. I appreciate your spirit. You are my girl. You are special. You are strong. You are brave. You are beautiful.

I couldn’t love you any more than I do, and I couldn’t be more proud,
Love,
Mommy

Today’s a day like any other
But I am changed
I am a mother
Oh in an instant
And who I was has disappeared
It doesn’t matter, now you’re here
So innocent
I was lost for you to find
And now I’m yours and you are mine
Two tiny hands, a pair of eyes
An unsung melody is mine for safekeeping
And I will guard it with my life
I’d hang the moon for it to shine on her sleeping
Starting here and starting now
I can feel the heart of how
Everything changes
My heart’s at the wheel now
And all my mistakes
They make sense when I turn them around
Everything changes
What I thought was so permanent fades
And I swear I’ll remember to say we were both born today
Oh, and it’s true
What did I do to deserve you
I didn’t know, but now I see
Sometimes what is, is meant to be
You saved me
My blurry lines, my messy life
Come into focus in a tied, maybe
I can heal and I can breathe
‘Cause I can feel myself believe
That everything changes
My heart’s at the wheel now
And all my mistakes
They make sense when I turn them around
Everything changes
What I thought was so permanent fades
And I swear I’ll remember to say we were both born today
Oh, and it’s true
What did I do to deserve you
Thank God for you

-Sara Bareilles

Santa 2015

Posted by Carolyn on December 4, 2015 Leave a Comment

This is our fourth year visiting Santa at the Festival of Trees. It’s great to see him every year. This year we went with Rory and Poppy, and all four kids were (mostly) happy to go say hello. They were a little nervous, but there were absolutely no tears. I’m sure the candy canes helped.

Alma told Santa she wants a unicorn with a glowing horn (anyone have any ideas for this?). Rory told Santa he wants a Poli. Harriet and Poppy didn’t tell Santa what they want.

Merry Christmas!

Christmas Tree Hunt Pictorial

Posted by Carolyn on December 2, 2015 Leave a Comment

Thanksgiving in the Mountains

Posted by Carolyn on December 1, 2015 2 Comments

First of all, please excuse how quiet andthenthey has been. I had grand plans to write a few blogs while we were away for Thanksgiving, but I dropped my phone in the toilet right when we got to our house. It spent the whole weekend in a big bowl of rice, and thankfully has made an almost full recovery.

Anyway, we had a wonderful weekend up at Sunriver for Thanksgiving with my Dad and Step-Mom and her brother and family. We went up to the mountains on Wednesday, and drove on packed snow from before Willamette Pass all the way to Sunriver. I’ve never seen that much snow, for so long. Luckily, we got to do the drive during the day, so it was sunny and clear.

We got to the house in time to play in the snow a little bit before dark. Alma loved it and would have stayed outside longer, despite her cold, wet fingers and legs. The promise of the big bathtub was the only thing that could lure her inside.

The next morning, Thanksgiving, we went to visit our great friends, the Gosses, in their new home in Bend. It was another snowy, beautiful drive. It was fun to finally get to see their house, and to get to see them!

The rest of Thanksgiving was spent playing in the snow, cooking dinner, and eating. I made the turkey this year, and everyone added something to the table. It was wonderful.

On Friday we braved the below freezing temperatures and went to the High Desert Museum. I love this place so much. It holds so many memories of my childhood. The otters (who weren’t on display), the indoor scenes of the West, the old settler’s cabin and sawmill. It’s all there, all the same, and all incredible. I loved sharing it with the girls. Plus, it was amazingly beautiful in the snow.

Alma took this photo of me and Jesse.

We went back to the house to watch the Civil War and learn how to knit. Harriet has such a sweet relationship with my dad. He’s certainly one of her favorite people. I’m pretty sure the feeling is mutual.

Then, we tried to go to the tree lighting. It was just too cold, and we left before Santa got there and the lights were turned on. It was still fun, and Alma got to talk to Rudolph and Frosty. Here’s my favorite exchange:

Alma: Rudolph, I saw your friends being mean to you!
Rudolph: *nod*
Alma: Do they let you play with them now?
Rudolph: *nod*

It was sweet to see her so concerned for Rudolph. She has a sweet heart in her, that’s for sure.

Playgroup Pumpkins

Posted by Carolyn on October 5, 2015 6 Comments

Our Fourth Annual Pumpkin Patch Playgroup. I could write a lot about this, but I’d basically just say the same thing I’ve said before (here, and here, and here, and here, and here, and here). I won’t put you, the reader, through that again. I’ll just say that I love raising my kids with these people.

Before I post the photos from this year, let’s take a little trip down memory lane, shall we?

2012: So many Ergos, so few people. This was one of our first organized outings. We have grown in families and children. Most kids weren’t walking yet. Leia and I were almost pregnant, but this was it! Seven kids in this photo!

2013: Quite a bit bigger. A few pregnant moms, two new babies, eleven kids. andthenthey pumpkin 2013 2014: Even more! More families, more babies, more pregnant moms! Just more! Fifteen kids (I think!) andthenthey pumpkin 2014 2015: Wow! So many kids! So many people! No pregnant women (as far as I know!) Nineteen kids! Today was one for the books. We were planning on going to our usual, traditional farm. Someone (Jane I think) checked their website and saw that they didn’t open until noon. We were all on Facebook discussing what to do. My family was already in the car, ready to go, so I suggested a change of venue (after changes of time and other ideas had been thrown out there). Everyone agreed and spread the word. It might not sound impressive, but it was quite amazing to watch 10 moms discuss and agree and mobilize all within about three minutes. I told you this playgroup was special. I love these people.

Hayride, pumpkin picking, corn mazing, fun, fun, fun. It was an oddly beautiful day. I love these sunny, crisp days, but I have to admit, I’m getting anxious for the rain to come (and stay for a while). Call me crazy!

Seen In Eugene

Posted by Carolyn on October 2, 2015 Leave a Comment

Tonight I went to an art show where two of my photographs are displayed.

I think it’s pretty cool. I submitted a few photos with #seenineugene to be considered for a month long exhibit. Two of my photos were chosen to be displayed, as well as to be in a photo book. The proceeds of the sale of prints and books go to a local art nonprofit. We went do to the new Barn Light were they have the photos displayed with our friends. The kids ran around and played. andthenthey seen in eugene4 I especially like the photos they chose because both my daughters are involved. There’s the photo of Harriet and Elsa playing in Elsa’s playhouse: andthenthey seen in eugene5 And one of Alma sitting at Humble Bagel. When Alma saw this photo hanging on the wall, she was pretty excited. She recognized herself right away. I know this doesn’t make me a successful professional photographer, but it sure makes me feel like one. I never thought that I would have my photographs on display, with a real exhibit opening night.

If you want to see my photos, along with 98 other great photos, head down to the Barn Light East, grab a cup of coffee, check them out, and maybe even buy a print or one of the photo books. You can even say you know one of the artists!

A Calendar for Alma

Posted by Carolyn on September 29, 2015 Leave a Comment

I got this idea from my friend Jodie (wife of author Anthony St. Clair). Jodie is a beautiful artist of many things. She is always creating, and her Instagram account is totally inspiring. I mean, I never thought I’d want to take up cross-stitch again, but she has me thinking about it. You should totally follow her.

She is homeschooling her son who is Alma’s age. She posted this photo a few weeks back:

I thought this was a great idea, but that Alma didn’t really need it. Then I started listening to Alma. Ever since my parents told her they were taking her camping, she’s been packing and talking all about it. I have to constantly remind her, “No, Alma, not today. Not this weekend… in 7 weeks!” and so on.

Today, on the way home from my mom’s house, I ran through EVERYTHING we’re doing in the next three months… “Okay, on Thursday we’re going apple picking. Then on Saturday you’ll see cousin Liam. Then we’re having friends over…. (etc etc etc)… then it’s Christmas, then dad’s birthday, then new year’s, then your birthday.” I think it might have overwhelmed her a little. Ha!

Anyway, Jodie’s calendar popped into my mind and I asked Alma if she’d like me to make one for her. Of course she said yes. So I did. I’ll add things as they come up, and she can cross off the days. I hope this helps!

We’ll put it on the kitchen door where we have lots of other important lists and stuff. She said she wants it in her room, but her room is crazy town right now, so I know it will get lost or destroyed in there.

Apple Picking, Autumn 2015

Posted by Carolyn on September 15, 2015 Leave a Comment

One of our play group’s annual traditions is to go apple picking in September. We go to my favorite orchards and spend the morning picking apples, playing with the farm stuff, tasting cider, feeding the goats, and welcoming Autumn.

As is evidenced by this gif, this year was fun. Thanks Hannah (from The Lighthearted Life of HMV) for being so lighthearted and fun!

This year was also warmer than it should have been if you ask me. Last year was sort of drizzly and that was much more Autumnal. I love this event because it assures us that Autumn is, in fact, coming. Even when it’s 80 degrees and the day before was over 90, the apples on the trees are a promise of cooler weather, and darker skies. And nothing beats biting into a crisp, juicy apple picked directly off a tree in a century old orchard. I can pretend that there’s a crisp breeze blowing down the rows of trees, if only for a moment.

My camera was doing strange things, and it turns out that the only photos that were in focus (or mostly in focus, anyway) were of Alma, Harriet, Rory, and Poppy. I swear that there were lots of other people there! In fact, I think it was one of the best turn outs we’ve had at a playgroup lately – nine out of the ten families! As I’ve said many times before, I love our little tribe of families in this group, and all our traditions. Next month is our 4th Annual Pumpkin Patch trip, a perennial favorite!

This last photo cracks me up. “Ummm… mom, why are you putting us in boxes?”

Forgive me, children, Autumn is coming. I can make no excuses for my silly ideas. You will just have to get used to it.

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