Daughters Archives - and then they...

Dear Harriet, Age Three

Posted by Carolyn on August 29, 2016 2 Comments

Dear Harriet, My Three Year Old,

Man, has this been a year? You started school, you really started talking, you grew and changed and became a little girl. You have figured out how to fight back – fight back against Alma when she tries to get too older sibling on you, fight back against us when we tell you that you can’t have hot cococo all day everyday, you fight back against injustices on the playground. People always tell me they’re impressed with your fortitude. You don’t let people push you around. You are strong and brave, little one.

You are scrappy, and I love that about you. We are both second-borns, so you and I, kid, understand what it’s like to live that way. We understand that sometimes it’s important to bug your older sibling until they fight back, then to go running to your parent so the sibling gets in trouble. But, kid, you need to understand that I see right through it when you do it. I see right through it, but I still love it because I get you. I feel you. All I have to say about it is: sorry Alma (and sorry Dan).

But you are also very dear. One of the things you say all the time these days is, “Excuse me mommy (or Grams, daddy, Papa, Nana, Grandpa, Grammy… whomever). I wuv you.” It’s always a surprise because I always assume that you’re going to be asking for more hot cococo, then you turn everything upside-down with your sweetness. You can tell me that you wuv me all day everyday, that’s fine with me.

When you’re into something, you’ll spend so much time with it. When we went camping, you were all about building the fairy village. At the playground with your friends, you’ve been known to build very cool towers out of pine cones and sticks, or to fill up a hollow tree with rotten apples (side-note: rotten apples are your favorite things. When we tell you to think of something happy, you think about rotten apples) – all the while directing your friends and making sure they’re doing it right. You’re a leader and creative and I think that’s really cool.

Here’s my promise to you this year: I will cherish you. I will be gentle with you. I will be kind to you. I will love you and I will tell you so everyday. I will hold you. I will let you grow. I will laugh with you. I will cry with you. I will cherish you.

All my love,

Mommy

When to Apologize?

Posted by Carolyn on January 13, 2016 4 Comments

Apologize: to offer an apology or excuse for some fault, insult, failure, or injury

Lately Alma has been doing something that concerns me. She will say something silly, or do something goofy, and immediately say, “Sorry ’bout dat,” with a shrug and a self-depreciating eye roll. For example, she will pronounce a word wrong, or mix up her words, or stumble a little bit. Something about which she absolutely doesn’t need to feel sorry.

It reminds me of those studies that show that women, in group meetings or classes, will say, “I’m sorry…” then ask their question or make their comment. I’m pretty sure I read about this in Lean In by Sheryl Sandberg, but I’ve been thinking about it for a long time.

It’s a hedge, something we say to fill space or make excuses. How many times have you said your opinion and finished up with, “…but that’s just what I think,” in order to avoid a confrontation. That’s a hedge. So is saying you’re sorry, oftentimes.

And this phenomenon is certainly more common with women than with men. I have been around groups of women who constantly apologize to each other, for every little thing. Even if it’s the other person’s fault. Even if it’s nobody’s fault. How many times have you asked someone who was blocking your way to move by first saying sorry? Why do we apologize to someone who is standing in the doorway, or blocking the thing we need, when it’s obvious that they’re in the wrong?

The act of saying you’re sorry when you’ve done nothing wrong makes us look weak. It is admitting that we have no power in our situation. It is admitting that we feel that what we have to say, or do, is less important than others.

I don’t want my daughters to believe this about themselves. I want them to own their opinions, their actions, and their questions. They are strong, and their voices are important. I want them to know that they can ask their question, or make a correction, or add an opinion without being perceived as aggressive. Moreover, I want them to know that it’s okay to be aggressive. If they make a mistake, they can own it without apologizing, especially if it doesn’t affect anyone else, like when Alma mispronounces a word.

Raising daughters, this goes even further. I don’t want my girls to ever apologize for not wanting to hug or kiss someone. I’ve written before about how I never make them hug or kiss anyone if they don’t want to. I want them to be strong and feel like they don’t ever have to apologize for this. When they’re teenagers and young adults, I want them to be confident that they can turn down sexual advances without an apology. They don’t have to do anything they don’t want to do, and they don’t have to apologize for it.

This all isn’t to say that I never want my kids to apologize. I certainly want them to say they’re sorry when they’ve hurt someone. I’ve started saying, “Only apologize when you’ve done something wrong” whenever Alma does this. I want to break the habit. There is a line in Sarah Kay’s poem “Point B” that says “always apologize when you’ve done something wrong but don’t you ever apologize for the way your eyes refuse to stop shining.” And that’s really it, isn’t it? I just want my girls to shine and not have to apologize about it.

Dear Alma, Age 4

Posted by Carolyn on January 3, 2016 1 Comment

Dear Alma,

January 3rd is a very special day to me. Not only is it the day you were born, but it is the day that I became a mother. I don’t know why, but this past year, I’ve been thinking about that a lot.

Yesterday, I asked you if you knew that I wasn’t a mommy before I had you. You looked surprised and asked me, “What were you?” I told you I was just Carolyn and that seemed to make sense.

Whenever I talk about things I did before you were born, you always say, “And I was in your tummy.” I used to explain that no, not yet. Now I don’t correct you. Maybe it’s because you’ve been here so long that it’s almost hard to image who Carolyn was before you made me into Mommy. Maybe it’s because I’ve realized that in some way, you have always been with me.

There’s a song that I’m listening to on repeat right now. It’s from a new musical by Sara Bareilles about a woman, who, in the end has a baby. She looks into her baby’s eyes and instantly becomes a mother.

I know that everything changed when I had you, Alma. Everything.

I used to be able to read books about children without crying. Now, I’m a mess reading to you. I can’t read Rosie Revere without thinking about how you need to know how capable you are. I can’t read On the Night You Were Born without thinking about how important you are. Even books I used to love have changed. When I read From the Mixed-up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler, I see the story from the parents’ perspective, and it makes the book much less enjoyable.

Anyway, Alma, this is all to say that 4 year ago everything changed. I changed. The whole world changed. This world used to be full of possibilities for my life, now it’s full of so much more. It’s full of a whole lifetime of possibilities for you.

This past year you have really become a person to me. You have grown up so much. You can express yourself perfectly. You have such a funny sense of humor. You are confident and strong. [Today you went up in front of our whole church, by yourself, and said “I’m Alma. Today’s my birthday. I’m four. I got a lot of presents.”]

I know that this letter is a little bit jumbled, but I have so much I want to say to you today, on your 4th birthday. I love you. I’m proud of you. I thank God for you. I am happy to guide you. I am sorry for when I’m not the best mother I can be. I need your help to get it all right. I appreciate your spirit. You are my girl. You are special. You are strong. You are brave. You are beautiful.

I couldn’t love you any more than I do, and I couldn’t be more proud,
Love,
Mommy

Today’s a day like any other
But I am changed
I am a mother
Oh in an instant
And who I was has disappeared
It doesn’t matter, now you’re here
So innocent
I was lost for you to find
And now I’m yours and you are mine
Two tiny hands, a pair of eyes
An unsung melody is mine for safekeeping
And I will guard it with my life
I’d hang the moon for it to shine on her sleeping
Starting here and starting now
I can feel the heart of how
Everything changes
My heart’s at the wheel now
And all my mistakes
They make sense when I turn them around
Everything changes
What I thought was so permanent fades
And I swear I’ll remember to say we were both born today
Oh, and it’s true
What did I do to deserve you
I didn’t know, but now I see
Sometimes what is, is meant to be
You saved me
My blurry lines, my messy life
Come into focus in a tied, maybe
I can heal and I can breathe
‘Cause I can feel myself believe
That everything changes
My heart’s at the wheel now
And all my mistakes
They make sense when I turn them around
Everything changes
What I thought was so permanent fades
And I swear I’ll remember to say we were both born today
Oh, and it’s true
What did I do to deserve you
Thank God for you

-Sara Bareilles

The Power of Words

Posted by Carolyn on November 4, 2015 1 Comment

Words have power. Written words can be powerful if arranged in the perfect combination. Written words can be powerful if read at an important time.

But, spoken words. Spoken words hold a power that is hardly ever matched. Look at Churchill and how he inspired a damaged and hopeless nation. Look at Lincoln and how he united and freed and led. Look at King and how he changed the world and accomplished something impossible.

I’m watching my two-year-old discover the power of her voice. A couple months ago, she didn’t have any words. Now, if you’re listening, she’s telling you everything on her mind. Everyday she learns new words, and figures out how to pronounce them. There is a power in her words, and she’s just learning how to use it.

I can’t tell you how many times during each day I say, “Use your words.” I’m not only telling my kids to communicate what they need with words, but I’m telling them that their words have power. I’m telling them that their voices have power.

There are some words that hold more power than others. One word I teach my girls to wield and use is this – no. No. When we are playing and they say ‘no,’ or ‘stop,’ I stop. It feels like my girls are too young to even be affected by the rape culture in which we live, but I know that it is irresponsible to just ignore it. I need to teach my girls to honor themselves, and to know their worth.

I teach my girls that they can say ‘no’ to anyone. If I ask for a hug and they don’t want to hug me, they have the power to say ‘no.’ If grandparents are saying goodbye and want a kiss, but they don’t want to, they have the power to say ‘no.’

Sometimes, when we’re out, Alma will scowl at strangers and refuse to talk to them. She won’t give them high fives or say hello. I appreciate this from her, I know that she’s doing what feels right. It feels strange, but I try not to change her in these moments.

“I won’t raise her to be nice, to give her laugh away… I can’t trust this world to teach their sons how to treat my daughter, so I will raise her to be a sword, a spear, a shield.” – Elizabeth Acevedo

I want my daughters to know the reality of their world, and I want them to be prepared for anything. I am teaching them to talk, but I’m also teaching them to use their words. I want them to see the world with wonder and joy, but not naivete.

This is a world where they need to be spears and shields, but it’s also a world “made out of sugar, it can crumble so easily, but don’t be afraid to stick your tongue out and taste it… Always apologize when you’ve done something wrong, but don’t you ever apologize for the way your eyes refuse to stop shining, your voice is small, but don’t ever stop singing. And when they finally hand you heartache, when they slip war and hatred under your door and offer you handouts on street corners of cynicism and defeat, you tell them that they really ought to meet your mother.” (Sarah Kay)

I also want to teach my daughters the power of another word – yes. I want them to go out into the world with hope and excitement. I want them to embrace the world and everything that comes their way. I want them to try and say yes and yes and yes. I want them to see me as who I am – a positive, hopeful woman. I want them to know that their mother isn’t scared to live in this world. I see the wonder in the world every single day.

Sometimes when we’re out, Alma is amazingly outgoing and personable. She will ask strangers if they want to come over to our house. She will hold hands with someone she just met. She will smile and dance and play. I also appreciate this from her. I love her innocence and her belief that the world is good and that people aren’t out to hurt her – I agree with her that this, for the most part, is true.

I want my daughters to trust that this world is good, but to be ready for when it isn’t. And I’m going to show them poems, and teach them words, and tell them to never stop using their words.

Little Red, The Big Bad Wolf, #30daysofgratitude

Posted by Carolyn on October 30, 2015 1 Comment

The end of October brings two things: Halloween and November. First things first, let’s get to Halloween. It was Alma and Harriet’s first time carving pumpkins this year. I have to admit it went much better than I expected! The promise of cinnamon rolls probably helped.

This year my girls are Little Red Riding Hood and The Big Bad Wolf. I made Alma’s dress using the same Shwin and Shwin pattern I’ve used before (here and here and here) for my base, but really altered it. I made a circle skirt and added a petticoat layer. The dress is so fun and twirly. I also did snaps instead of buttons or a zipper. Snaps are my jam these days.

For the cape and hood, I used Oliver + S’s pattern from their Little Things to Sew book. I used a cozy flannel for both the dress and the lining of the cape. The outside of the cape is red velvet because it doesn’t get more Little Red Riding Hood than red velvet.

Harriet’s costume is a little more thrown together. I made the hat with wolf ears (that sort of looks like Yoda ears) using a pattern from the same Oliver+S book. It’s made out of flannel, with a plaid flannel lining. The vest is borrowed from Harriet’s friend Elsa. The makeup is by me and my eyeliner pencil. The tail is just a bunch of yarn I combed and pinned to her pants. She loves growling these days, so a wolf is kind of perfect. Today they got to wear their costumes to school. Hopefully they come home with all the parts and pieces.

So, next up is November! My favorite because we get to anticipate the anticipatory season on Advent, which is my favorite! It’s kind of like how Thursday is fun because you know Friday is coming up.

I’ve been doing the #30daysofgratitude project on Instagram for at least 3 years. I love being mindfully grateful (as evidenced by 2014 and my 365 days of gratitude). During my year of gratitude, I would write down one thing each day – one word only. This November project is more fun because it can be a full sentence, a story, or a word – in addition to the photo.

The thing about these hashtag projects is that they are much more fun when friends play along (thanks for joining me with my #93summerdays, Meredith!), so please join me this year! I know I’ll be joined with hundreds or thousands of strangers, but it’s fun to have friends and readers play along, too. I’ll be using the tried and true #30daysofgratitude hashtag, but I think I’ll add #30daysofgratitudeATT (for And Then They), just to keep things separate.

If you want to practice gratitude next month, please use both #30daysofgratitude and #30daysofgratitudeATT, so I’m sure to see your posts. Also, share your Instagram name in the comments, or comment on my posts so I can follow you! (Mine is carolynfwilliams)

Happy Halloween, and thanks for reading! I’m grateful for YOU!

Seen In Eugene

Posted by Carolyn on October 2, 2015 Leave a Comment

Tonight I went to an art show where two of my photographs are displayed.

I think it’s pretty cool. I submitted a few photos with #seenineugene to be considered for a month long exhibit. Two of my photos were chosen to be displayed, as well as to be in a photo book. The proceeds of the sale of prints and books go to a local art nonprofit. We went do to the new Barn Light were they have the photos displayed with our friends. The kids ran around and played. andthenthey seen in eugene4 I especially like the photos they chose because both my daughters are involved. There’s the photo of Harriet and Elsa playing in Elsa’s playhouse: andthenthey seen in eugene5 And one of Alma sitting at Humble Bagel. When Alma saw this photo hanging on the wall, she was pretty excited. She recognized herself right away. I know this doesn’t make me a successful professional photographer, but it sure makes me feel like one. I never thought that I would have my photographs on display, with a real exhibit opening night.

If you want to see my photos, along with 98 other great photos, head down to the Barn Light East, grab a cup of coffee, check them out, and maybe even buy a print or one of the photo books. You can even say you know one of the artists!

Sweet Creek Falls

Posted by Carolyn on May 1, 2015 Leave a Comment

I love where we live. The coast is an hour away, the mountains are an hour away. We have rivers in our town, and creeks right outside.

One of those creeks is Sweet Creek Falls, and it has some dazzling waterfalls along the way. We have been meaning to go there forever, and we finally got a chance this past week. We went with my parents, who had been there quite a few times before.

On the way there, we came across a herd of elk. I have never seen this many, in the wild, all together, before. It was awesome. They stood and looked at us for quite a while, then all took off across the meadow and over a fence. Awe-some.

The kids did such a great job. It was Harriet’s first time on a real hike, outside a carrier. She just about lost her mind, she loved it so much. She pointed at everything. Waved at the creek and said, “Hi-ya,” whenever we had a new view of the water. She signed water all along the way. She almost made it to the end, but my mom turned around with her.

It started out kind of rainy, but that just added to the beauty. Alma got to use her umbrella, which is always cause for celebration.

Everything was so, so, so green. I love this time of year, when the leaves and young and fresh. Before summer sets in and everything gets covered in dust and dirt. The forest is alive with critters and magic.

The kids got to explore, and marvel in the outdoors. The hike was pretty short, only about 3 miles round trip, and mostly flat along the creek. Alma made it all the way to the end with Grandpa and us.

I can’t wait to do more hikes this summer with the kids. I have a long way to go before I get to my 35 miles before my 35th birthday. So far, I think I only have about 5!

Raising STRONG Girls – One Little Word 2015

Posted by Carolyn on December 31, 2014 2 Comments

“You’re so cute!” “Aren’t you adorable?” “Look at your dress!” “Hi, princess!”

It’s constant. It’s true. My girls are cute, adorable, well-dressed princesses. It’s true. I do my best to make all of those things true. I’m okay with that.

I also do my best to make sure that my girls are smart, brave, funny, clever, curious, caring, and strong. aIMG_3036 I have told Alma that whenever anyone tells her she’s cute, she should say, “Thanks! I’m strong (or brave, or smart, or adventurous), too!”

I’ve taught her that princesses are brave. I’ll tell her, “Be brave, like a princess!” I know that people will call her a princess, I’m just trying to change what that means to her. (isn’t it odd that we call little girls princesses their whole childhoods, and it seems like a good thing, but then they grow up, and become women, and suddenly being called a princess isn’t a good thing, it means that she’s spoiled or self-centered, or high maintenance…?)

Think about the words that we use to describe little boys and girls. Girls get passive words like cute, sweet, silly, princess. Girls get complemented on their clothes, their hair, their appearance. Now boys. Boys get active words like fast, cool, strong, brave, funny, super-hero. Boys get complimented on their actions, their achievements. I do this, you do this. It’s just the way it is.

My nephew once told my mom that girls are cute, and boys are cool. I decided then, and there, that I would compliment his cute clothes next time I saw him. He was wearing swim shorts, and I said, “Cute shorts!” He looked so confused. He really had no idea what I mean, or how to take what I had said.

I want my girls to be girls, but to not have the feeling that being a girl is somehow less than being a boy. I want their words, their self-image, their opinions to be active, not passive. I want them to be strong.

I want them to be STRONG.

So, that’s my word for 2015. I want them to be strong. I want to be strong.

I want to get in shape, physically. I will focus (ahhhh… focus) on that quite a bit this year. I want to be STRONG. I want to be active, flexible, strong.

But, I also want to have strength other places in my life. I want to have strong relationships – with Jesse, the girls, my friends, my family, God. I want to be strong in my choices, opinions, convictions. I want to be resilient, curious, strong.

I want to be a good role model for my girls. I want them to know that their mommy was a strong woman, inside and out. I want to show them how I can be a princess – a princess who is brave, strong, cute, and their mother.

Alma’s New Quilt

Posted by Carolyn on September 11, 2014 5 Comments

Alma just made the transition from her ‘baby bed’ to her ‘big kid bed.’ We actually converted her crib into a twin bed and just had to buy a mattress. Jesse did a great job building the rails and platform for the bed. I love having such a handy husband!

I wanted this quilt to be special, so I actually bought, and (mostly) followed a pattern. All my other quilts have just been of my design and pretty simple. And quite small. This quilt is a whole twin sized quilt. Whoa.

I bought the Atkinson Designs Morning Noon & Night pattern and used the Scrappy Quilt pattern with more of the Sunrise Quilt color design. I wanted to transition from the aqua color to the coral-pink color. I bought the pattern and most of my fabric at my favorite fabric store, Piece by Piece.

As always, I had times where I would get nervous, but it all came together really beautifully, and quite easily.

I love to make the backs of my quilts fun and interesting, too. All these fabrics are fun to look at – fairies, goose rides, hiding kids. I love it.

This is by far my biggest sewing project, and totally one of my favorites!

Hattie’s Weekly Photos

Posted by Carolyn on September 10, 2014 4 Comments

Back when Alma was born, I was inspired by Clara’s Photo Project to create a photo project of my own. We took a photo a week of Alma, and I photoshopped the number into each photo. I loved how it turned out, and knew I wanted to do it again for Hattie.

I love to see how Hattie changed during the year. The tiny, sleepy baby stage is so sweet and short-lived.

I have my favorite weeks, but to be honest, those are always changing.

One thing I have loved about both projects has been the amazing amount of fabric I’ve been able to collect. It’s fun to use the fabric for a quilt, or a dress, or something else. Then when I see the photo, or the dress, I have all these lovely memories of the girls as babies.

This is also something that I offer in my Etsy Shop – H&A Baby. If you bought this for yourself (or someone else! Great baby shower gift, don’t you think?), you would provide me with the photos, and I would edit the images and add the numbers and weeks.

I offer this in both weekly and monthly versions.

Once you have the images, they are yours to do whatever you’d like. I used Picassa to make the collages. I had both of these printed in poster sizes and hung them in the dining room.

Another thing I’ve done for both girls is make photo books on Shutterfly. We gave copies to all the grandparents and kept one for us. In our copy, I wrote down milestones for each week – so it’s kind of like a baby book.

After I finished Hattie’s, I also made a book of both girls with their weekly photos side by side. This is my favorite thing ever. I put both girls in the same pose each week, so it’s fun to see that. I also used the same fabrics when I had them. Seriously my favorite thing ever.

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