Five was a fun one. Probably my favorite. I loved how you were so curious and eager to learn all you could. I loved seeing your confidence grow.
These past few months have been a little hard. You didn’t have the easiest transition to kindergarten. I think it was hard for you to go from a play-based-three-hour-a-day-three-days-a-week preschool to full-on full day kindergarten. Adding the Spanish made for some long days of listening and working hard, just to understand. But, these past few months have also shown us that you have some grit! You haven’t given up, and you are actually, honest-to-God learning Spanish. You amaze me when you hear Spanish and actually understand it – or when you come up with a word and use it the right way. You are constantly correcting my accent, and I couldn’t be happier. Your brain is a little sponge, and you’re soaking it all up.
You also recently lost your first teeth. On Christmas Eve, late at night, when you should have been sleeping, you had Daddy pull your first tooth. It kind of freaked you out to see the blood, but on Christmas, you were ready to have Dad pull the second one. Your adult teeth had already grown in, so you didn’t have a gap-tooth smile.
Six will also be fun. We have some fun things planned for you, my girl. Six will be the year you learn so many new things – you’re taking piano lessons, you’ll probably start reading, you’ll learn more Spanish, you’ll get even better at swimming and diving. Six will be the year that Harriet joins you at your school (I’m looking forward to that one!). Six will be a year of trips and adventures. I can’t wait to see what six will bring to you.
I love you, sweet bug. You’re my girl, and you always will be.
Today you’re five. Today is one of those thresholds. You are entering a whole new stage of life. Five is a big year. Five is kindergarten, loose teeth, reading, school buses, bikes with pedals, new friends, long days away from home, writing. Five is big.
Yesterday you were four and you were still a small little child. Today you are five and you look like a whole new girl to me. I have to be honest and say that my heart hurts a little bit when I look at you. You are a well-spoken, creative, brave soul. Not much of that little baby from five years ago remains. Your legs are long and strong. Your fingers are precise and careful. Your eyes are clear and focused. Your voice is loud and determined. You are five.
You are growing up quickly and it makes me miss my baby. But, Alma, I wouldn’t change it for anything. Those baby days are gone, but I’m so happy about five. I’m so excited to see all those things happen this year, but you will always be my baby.
My wishes for you this year:
You make new friends and keep the old
You are the kid in your class who welcomes everyone
You learn to read and enjoy it
You lose teeth with courage
You fall down and you get back up
You keep sitting in my lap and coming to me for comfort
January 3rd is a very special day to me. Not only is it the day you were born, but it is the day that I became a mother. I don’t know why, but this past year, I’ve been thinking about that a lot.
Photo by Outi Henry
Yesterday, I asked you if you knew that I wasn’t a mommy before I had you. You looked surprised and asked me, “What were you?” I told you I was just Carolyn and that seemed to make sense.
Whenever I talk about things I did before you were born, you always say, “And I was in your tummy.” I used to explain that no, not yet. Now I don’t correct you. Maybe it’s because you’ve been here so long that it’s almost hard to image who Carolyn was before you made me into Mommy. Maybe it’s because I’ve realized that in some way, you have always been with me.
Photo by Outi Henry
There’s a song that I’m listening to on repeat right now. It’s from a new musical by Sara Bareilles about a woman, who, in the end has a baby. She looks into her baby’s eyes and instantly becomes a mother.
I know that everything changed when I had you, Alma. Everything.
I used to be able to read books about children without crying. Now, I’m a mess reading to you. I can’t read Rosie Revere without thinking about how you need to know how capable you are. I can’t read On the Night You Were Born without thinking about how important you are. Even books I used to love have changed. When I read From the Mixed-up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler, I see the story from the parents’ perspective, and it makes the book much less enjoyable.
Anyway, Alma, this is all to say that 4 year ago everything changed. I changed. The whole world changed. This world used to be full of possibilities for my life, now it’s full of so much more. It’s full of a whole lifetime of possibilities for you.
Photo by Outi Henry
This past year you have really become a person to me. You have grown up so much. You can express yourself perfectly. You have such a funny sense of humor. You are confident and strong. [Today you went up in front of our whole church, by yourself, and said “I’m Alma. Today’s my birthday. I’m four. I got a lot of presents.”]
I know that this letter is a little bit jumbled, but I have so much I want to say to you today, on your 4th birthday. I love you. I’m proud of you. I thank God for you. I am happy to guide you. I am sorry for when I’m not the best mother I can be. I need your help to get it all right. I appreciate your spirit. You are my girl. You are special. You are strong. You are brave. You are beautiful.
I couldn’t love you any more than I do, and I couldn’t be more proud,
Love,
Mommy
Today’s a day like any other But I am changed I am a mother
Oh in an instant
And who I was has disappeared
It doesn’t matter, now you’re here
So innocent I was lost for you to find And now I’m yours and you are mine
Two tiny hands, a pair of eyes An unsung melody is mine for safekeeping And I will guard it with my life
I’d hang the moon for it to shine on her sleeping
Starting here and starting now
I can feel the heart of how
Everything changes
My heart’s at the wheel now
And all my mistakes
They make sense when I turn them around
Everything changes
What I thought was so permanent fades And I swear I’ll remember to say we were both born today
Oh, and it’s true
What did I do to deserve you
I didn’t know, but now I see
Sometimes what is, is meant to be
You saved me
My blurry lines, my messy life
Come into focus in a tied, maybe
I can heal and I can breathe
‘Cause I can feel myself believe
That everything changes
My heart’s at the wheel now
And all my mistakes
They make sense when I turn them around
Everything changes
What I thought was so permanent fades And I swear I’ll remember to say we were both born today Oh, and it’s true What did I do to deserve you Thank God for you
