Apologize: to offer an apology or excuse for some fault, insult, failure, or injury
Lately Alma has been doing something that concerns me. She will say something silly, or do something goofy, and immediately say, “Sorry ’bout dat,” with a shrug and a self-depreciating eye roll. For example, she will pronounce a word wrong, or mix up her words, or stumble a little bit. Something about which she absolutely doesn’t need to feel sorry.
It reminds me of those studies that show that women, in group meetings or classes, will say, “I’m sorry…” then ask their question or make their comment. I’m pretty sure I read about this in Lean In by Sheryl Sandberg, but I’ve been thinking about it for a long time.
It’s a hedge, something we say to fill space or make excuses. How many times have you said your opinion and finished up with, “…but that’s just what I think,” in order to avoid a confrontation. That’s a hedge. So is saying you’re sorry, oftentimes.
And this phenomenon is certainly more common with women than with men. I have been around groups of women who constantly apologize to each other, for every little thing. Even if it’s the other person’s fault. Even if it’s nobody’s fault. How many times have you asked someone who was blocking your way to move by first saying sorry? Why do we apologize to someone who is standing in the doorway, or blocking the thing we need, when it’s obvious that they’re in the wrong?
The act of saying you’re sorry when you’ve done nothing wrong makes us look weak. It is admitting that we have no power in our situation. It is admitting that we feel that what we have to say, or do, is less important than others.
I don’t want my daughters to believe this about themselves. I want them to own their opinions, their actions, and their questions. They are strong, and their voices are important. I want them to know that they can ask their question, or make a correction, or add an opinion without being perceived as aggressive. Moreover, I want them to know that it’s okay to be aggressive. If they make a mistake, they can own it without apologizing, especially if it doesn’t affect anyone else, like when Alma mispronounces a word.
Raising daughters, this goes even further. I don’t want my girls to ever apologize for not wanting to hug or kiss someone. I’ve written before about how I never make them hug or kiss anyone if they don’t want to. I want them to be strong and feel like they don’t ever have to apologize for this. When they’re teenagers and young adults, I want them to be confident that they can turn down sexual advances without an apology. They don’t have to do anything they don’t want to do, and they don’t have to apologize for it.
This all isn’t to say that I never want my kids to apologize. I certainly want them to say they’re sorry when they’ve hurt someone. I’ve started saying, “Only apologize when you’ve done something wrong” whenever Alma does this. I want to break the habit. There is a line in Sarah Kay’s poem “Point B” that says “always apologize when you’ve done something wrong but don’t you ever apologize for the way your eyes refuse to stop shining.” And that’s really it, isn’t it? I just want my girls to shine and not have to apologize about it.
10:02 – I want to remember this time with Harriet. I totally hate this age when she has so much to say, but she doesn’t have the words to say it. This moment, she had something terrible to tell me about this ball, but I just couldn’t figure out what she was saying. Then she spent my entire shower yelling at me to help her find her backpack (that ended up being on the floor in the hallway…). She is whiny and screechy. I’m not sure why I want to remember all of this, but I get the feeling it will be funny to look back at it all. Right? 
10:57 – I want to remember their wonder (and their happiness at being out of the car). Right here Alma said, “I don’t want to smell the flowers because of allergies.” The she smelled the flowers. She doesn’t have allergies, by the way.
11:03 – I want to remember all the beauty of Autumn. Snowberries are a favorite, and it was fun to be able to share them with the girls. We also call most wild berries ‘bird berries’ because I want the girls to know not to eat them – they are only good for birds. So far, this has worked to keep them from eating random poison berries. 
11:17 – I want to remember these sweet friends. I love that our kids won’t remember a time that these kids weren’t in their lives. Since it was a holiday, a lot of my friends (and their kids) had the day off of work and school, so we made plans to meet at the Museum of Natural and Cultural History. I’d never taken the kids there, so it was especially fun. Not to mention the cool backpacks that each kid got to wear. And the fact that Harriet’s was almost bigger than she is.
12:03 – I want to remember how these kids were curious, engaged, interested, and awesome. The museum is set up so well, and our kids did a great job exploring.
12:05 – I want to remember how this girl tries (and succeeds) to keep up with the big kids. She’s difficult these days, but watching her learn and grow is a joy, truly. 
12:32 – I want to remember these friendships. 
12:48 – I want to remember how we got lunch at one of the dorms, and ate outside. I’d like to forget how crazy it was trying to wrangle two girls (plus the others), pick out food for us, order it, pay for it, and not lose either kid. But I want to remember how, as we were leaving the food court, Jane said, “And as they leave, they throw condoms to the audience.” I’m sure watching all of us with our kids was enough to inspire abstinence in at least a few of the college students. 
3:49 – I want to remember how Alma likes to take my camera and take photos. This one worked out because it’s nice to have photos of me in these posts, since I’m the one usually taking the photos. I also want to remember how busy I’ve been getting some Christmas things ready.
4:41 – I want to remember how, whenever Rory comes over, it becomes a dress-up party. They change and play and run and dance.
4:57 – I want to remember these three. Right now they’re the big kids (Poppy will catch up soon) and they are the best. I want to remember the way Harriet still sucks on her fingers and rubs her eyelashes. I want to remember Alma’s dramatic flair (look at those pinkies!). 
I want to remember how I forgot to take any more photos because we were just having a good time with our friends, getting pizza, eating pizza, talking about god and God, and Heaven and heaven. Sometimes it’s better to just put the camera down and live and remember.
6:54 – I want to remember these mornings when Jesse and I play a game of chicken – who can last the longest before getting out of bed to get Harriet, or to get some milk for the girls. This morning I lost, but I usually win.
7:02 – I want to remember these breakfasts of smoothies for me, Jesse, and Harriet. Alma doesn’t care for smoothies. Jesse also doesn’t really care for the chia seeds I put in the smoothies, but I’m not going to stop doing it. I love the weird little gooey seeds. 
7:48 – I want to remember how much the girls love ‘talking’ on the phone, usually to their grandparents. This morning it is a princess calling her grandparents. I also want to remember these moments when the girls are entertaining themselves and each other. 
9:18 – I want to remember how daunting most sewing projects seem before I start, then how I get in a groove and really enjoy seeing something appear out of nothing. It’s magic, and I love magic. 
10:14 – I want to remember how my mom sometimes brings books to share with the girls. Today it is Ladybug Girl and Llama, Llama, Red Pajama. I also want to remember how the girls attach themselves to all their grandparents and soak up all the love being given to them. They are lucky girls. 
11:04 – I want to remember the adventures we took this summer. We went to the farm a lot, to lots of parks, the library, and to concerts all over town. It wasn’t boring, and it wasn’t hard, thanks to lots of grandparents who were around to play with us, and help us out. 
11:07 – I want to remember how Harriet is still a little scared of the farm animals. I mean, she loves them, but she doesn’t want to have their mouths anywhere near her. I think this is a healthy fear, and she’ll outgrow it quickly. She loves the animals and never wants to leave them. If I mention the goats, she says, clear as day, “goats!” and holds her hand out like she’s feeding them, then says “money?” because I often don’t have quarters to feed the goats. She’s a planner, and I want to remember that. 
11:21 – I want to remember how the girls play together and help each other out. Harriet loves when Alma involves her, and Alma is realizing that Harriet is a playmate who can actually play. 
11:28 – I want to remember the taste of Detering’s Apple Cider. It’s a memory of my childhood, going out to the farm, getting the sample cup, begging my parents to buy a gallon to take home. It’s still just as good, and takes me right back to childhood. I love that it will be a memory of childhood for my girls, too. 
12:07 – I want to remember how Harriet is eager to help with the chicken chores. She loves to feed them, gather the eggs, and most of all, carry them inside. She even likes to eat them, so that’s a huge plus. I also want to remember her sweet pudgy arms and wonderful cheeks. 
2:16 – I want to remember Alma’s first haircut and how she chooses to have me trim it up. She looks so sweet and grown-up. 
3:25 – I want to remember the letters the girls get from their new teachers before school starts. Both girls are so excited today to open mail addressed to them. Alma ‘called’ her teachers and talked to them, and pretended it was school for a good hour after opening her letter.
5:07 – I want to remember these last moments before Jesse gets home. I’m certainly watching for his car to drive up, and I think the girls are anticipating it, too. I’ve been trying to get the girls interested in doing something so they’re not just whining, which is what they usually do. Today it is dancing and playing with babies. I also read a lot of books between 4:30 and when Jesse gets home. Harriet loves Pigeon and Llama Llama books. Alma likes pretty much anything.
5:54 – I want to remember how Jesse takes the girls and plays with them while I make dinner. They usually do funny things like pretend to sleep, and he is right there with him. He is seriously the best dad and husband. 
6:59 – I want to remember how good it feels to get the dishes done before the kids are in bed! Usually we wait until after, but tonight we finished dinner early, so we just did the dishes as the kids played. Phew, that feels really good. 
7:05 – I want to remember how we all cuddle in bed for a story before we put the girls to bed. I want to remember how we do kisses before bed, each person giving each person a kiss, then one big kiss all together. Then, Jesse and I trade off who puts whom to bed. Harriet is easy – a song, then in the crib, tucked in, and out of there. Alma is a different story. She won’t go to sleep unless one of is sitting in her room. I know that this isn’t the best routine, but for now it’s better than having her come out over and over and over again. We’ll figure out another routine soon. It’s also kind of nice to just sit in there with her, and catch up on Instagram and blogs. 
9:34 – I want to remember how I feel and who I am right now. I have a good, happy life. I have a warm, comfortable home. I have a loving, funny family. I have support, guidance, friends, and love. And that’s good enough for me. 
7:39 a.m. I want to remember how Jesse and Harriet make French toast. Harriet sits on the counter and takes it all in. And how I spilled a full on trail of syrup from the kitchen counter all the way to Alma’s seat at the table. Little drops of sticky the whole way. And how Harriet was totally freaked out by it.
7:47 a.m. I want to always remember Harriet’s pudgy fingers as she holds her fork in one hand, and using the other hand to eat. And how her whispy curls undoubtedly get stuck in whatever she’s eating. 
8:15 a.m. I want to remember this time of our lives. While Jesse is looking for work, we all get the huge blessing of time together as a family. While it’s a hard time, it’s also magical and beautiful. 
9:05 a.m. I want to remember these days of carseats and mirrors and my girl tribe going together all the time, all over.
9:25 a.m. I want to remember how they always stop to go through the tunnels. And how Harriet can hang on the bars. And how they do this together.
9:35 a.m. I want to remember how Alma, Elizabeth Grace, Harriet, and whoever’s there love to race down this long hallway. And how the hallway probably seems much longer to them. And how I used to do the same thing at their age. 
9:54 a.m. I want to remember this time with the other young families at our church. And how Bingham can help us talk about Jesus, but can also crack the kids up, and lead them in The Wheels on the Bus. 
9:59 a.m. I want to remember this age of discovery and peekaboos. 
12:45 p.m. I want to remember how I went to sell our clothes after doing the KonMari Method the night before. And how I had 3 hours on the town, by myself. And how we hardly sold anything, but donated everything.
4:07 p.m. I want to remember how Alma loves to watch shows on our bed during Harriet’s naps. And how Jesse sometimes joins her to nap, play games, or read. 
5:17 p.m. I want to remember how we have 9 chickens, 5 of whom are new and still figuring things out. This one, in particular, escaped 4 times today. I had to chase her back through the gate over and over. Alma thinks it’s hilarious, but is actually a pretty effective chicken wrangler. 
5:38 p.m. I want to remember this time of eating things from our garden, and the magic of putting flowers in our food. 
6:42 p.m. I want to remember these whole family reading moments before bed. And how Alma wants to get all ‘tozy’ in her ‘dammies.’ And how we are mostly reading Iggy Peck and Rosie Revere because we all love them. 
7:34 p.m. I want to remember my guilty pleasure TV shows. Scandal, Call the Midwife, Forever, Survivor, Amazing Race. Tonight Jesse had a vestry meeting, so I got to catch up a little. 
9:33 p.m. I want to remember how Jesse and I have our favorite shows, and watch them with the big down blanket. Mad Men, Game of Thrones, Kimmy Schmidt, Mindy Project. 
11:11 p.m. I want to remember how much I love our bed, and going to sleep. 
