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When to Apologize?

Posted by Carolyn on January 13, 2016 4 Comments

Apologize: to offer an apology or excuse for some fault, insult, failure, or injury

Lately Alma has been doing something that concerns me. She will say something silly, or do something goofy, and immediately say, “Sorry ’bout dat,” with a shrug and a self-depreciating eye roll. For example, she will pronounce a word wrong, or mix up her words, or stumble a little bit. Something about which she absolutely doesn’t need to feel sorry.

It reminds me of those studies that show that women, in group meetings or classes, will say, “I’m sorry…” then ask their question or make their comment. I’m pretty sure I read about this in Lean In by Sheryl Sandberg, but I’ve been thinking about it for a long time.

It’s a hedge, something we say to fill space or make excuses. How many times have you said your opinion and finished up with, “…but that’s just what I think,” in order to avoid a confrontation. That’s a hedge. So is saying you’re sorry, oftentimes.

And this phenomenon is certainly more common with women than with men. I have been around groups of women who constantly apologize to each other, for every little thing. Even if it’s the other person’s fault. Even if it’s nobody’s fault. How many times have you asked someone who was blocking your way to move by first saying sorry? Why do we apologize to someone who is standing in the doorway, or blocking the thing we need, when it’s obvious that they’re in the wrong?

The act of saying you’re sorry when you’ve done nothing wrong makes us look weak. It is admitting that we have no power in our situation. It is admitting that we feel that what we have to say, or do, is less important than others.

I don’t want my daughters to believe this about themselves. I want them to own their opinions, their actions, and their questions. They are strong, and their voices are important. I want them to know that they can ask their question, or make a correction, or add an opinion without being perceived as aggressive. Moreover, I want them to know that it’s okay to be aggressive. If they make a mistake, they can own it without apologizing, especially if it doesn’t affect anyone else, like when Alma mispronounces a word.

Raising daughters, this goes even further. I don’t want my girls to ever apologize for not wanting to hug or kiss someone. I’ve written before about how I never make them hug or kiss anyone if they don’t want to. I want them to be strong and feel like they don’t ever have to apologize for this. When they’re teenagers and young adults, I want them to be confident that they can turn down sexual advances without an apology. They don’t have to do anything they don’t want to do, and they don’t have to apologize for it.

This all isn’t to say that I never want my kids to apologize. I certainly want them to say they’re sorry when they’ve hurt someone. I’ve started saying, “Only apologize when you’ve done something wrong” whenever Alma does this. I want to break the habit. There is a line in Sarah Kay’s poem “Point B” that says “always apologize when you’ve done something wrong but don’t you ever apologize for the way your eyes refuse to stop shining.” And that’s really it, isn’t it? I just want my girls to shine and not have to apologize about it.

A Day In The Life – November 11, 2015

Posted by Carolyn on November 12, 2015 Leave a Comment

8:47 – I want to remember our mornings when we have nowhere to be. We eat breakfast in the sunroom, run to Starbucks (despite their horribly offensive red holiday cups this year… I kid), the girls watch Sofia the First or Daniel Tiger while I sew. We are usually so busy that it’s nice to have a special treat of eating in front of the TV.10:02 – I want to remember this time with Harriet. I totally hate this age when she has so much to say, but she doesn’t have the words to say it. This moment, she had something terrible to tell me about this ball, but I just couldn’t figure out what she was saying. Then she spent my entire shower yelling at me to help her find her backpack (that ended up being on the floor in the hallway…). She is whiny and screechy. I’m not sure why I want to remember all of this, but I get the feeling it will be funny to look back at it all. Right? 10:48 – I want to remember how difficult the girls are in the car these days. They always want what the other one has. You can tell by how firmly Alma is holding Hodor and Bear. Obviously, Harriet was whining and screeching about wanting just those things. Driving is frustrating these days, but maybe in the future, I’ll miss it. Maybe they won’t need me or want anything to do with me or their cute little toys. Maybe…? 10:57 – I want to remember their wonder (and their happiness at being out of the car). Right here Alma said, “I don’t want to smell the flowers because of allergies.” The she smelled the flowers. She doesn’t have allergies, by the way.11:03 – I want to remember all the beauty of Autumn. Snowberries are a favorite, and it was fun to be able to share them with the girls. We also call most wild berries ‘bird berries’ because I want the girls to know not to eat them – they are only good for birds. So far, this has worked to keep them from eating random poison berries. 11:05 – I want to remember how Alma asked literally every person on the sidewalk from our car, past a dorm, to the museum the same question: “Do you go to college?” Everyone chuckled and answered that yes, they were going to college. It was sweet, and I loved it because it’s helping to plant the seed that college is something that she should do. 11:17 – I want to remember these sweet friends. I love that our kids won’t remember a time that these kids weren’t in their lives. Since it was a holiday, a lot of my friends (and their kids) had the day off of work and school, so we made plans to meet at the Museum of Natural and Cultural History. I’d never taken the kids there, so it was especially fun. Not to mention the cool backpacks that each kid got to wear. And the fact that Harriet’s was almost bigger than she is.12:03 – I want to remember how these kids were curious, engaged, interested, and awesome. The museum is set up so well, and our kids did a great job exploring.12:05 – I want to remember how this girl tries (and succeeds) to keep up with the big kids. She’s difficult these days, but watching her learn and grow is a joy, truly. 12:30 – I want to remember how big these kids seem to me. I know I will look back at this day and think that they look so tiny, but right now I want to remember how big they seem.12:32 – I want to remember these friendships. 12:48 – I want to remember how we got lunch at one of the dorms, and ate outside. I’d like to forget how crazy it was trying to wrangle two girls (plus the others), pick out food for us, order it, pay for it, and not lose either kid. But I want to remember how, as we were leaving the food court, Jane said, “And as they leave, they throw condoms to the audience.” I’m sure watching all of us with our kids was enough to inspire abstinence in at least a few of the college students. 1:07 – I want to remember how Harriet pouts. It’s adorable and sad and pathetic. This was a particularly lovely pout. It was actually nice because I knew where she was as I got Alma into her carseat. After this, she didn’t want to get in the car, so I called her bluff and said “Bye!” and got in my seat – she jumped right up with a big smile and got into her carseat with no problem. One point for me! 3:49 – I want to remember how Alma likes to take my camera and take photos. This one worked out because it’s nice to have photos of me in these posts, since I’m the one usually taking the photos. I also want to remember how busy I’ve been getting some Christmas things ready. 4:41 – I want to remember how, whenever Rory comes over, it becomes a dress-up party. They change and play and run and dance.4:45 – I want to remember how Harriet says Sofia: Yii-a. I want to remember how Harriet says unicorn: Coa. I want to remember how Harriet says Alma: Malma. 4:53 – I want to remember Poppy’s sweet red curls and how much Alma loves her. She’s funny and happy. Having friends over is Alma’s favorite thing, and to be honest, we all love it, too. 4:57 – I want to remember these three. Right now they’re the big kids (Poppy will catch up soon) and they are the best. I want to remember the way Harriet still sucks on her fingers and rubs her eyelashes. I want to remember Alma’s dramatic flair (look at those pinkies!). I want to remember how I forgot to take any more photos because we were just having a good time with our friends, getting pizza, eating pizza, talking about god and God, and Heaven and heaven. Sometimes it’s better to just put the camera down and live and remember.

Other Days In The Life:
May 12, 2015
September 9, 2015

Go Ducks and a Surprise Birthday

Posted by Carolyn on November 9, 2015 Leave a Comment

My mom’s birthday was yesterday, and I’d say we did a good job celebrating.

But I have to back up a little bit. Actually, about 30 years… When my parents moved back to Eugene in the 80s, the Oregon football team wasn’t very good. My dad bought four season tickets anyway. He got pretty much the best seats… Right on the 50 yard line, 18 rows up. They are seriously perfect. Right in the middle. Far enough up that you can see the whole field, but close enough that you feel like you’re in the action. My dad has been a fan through it all – losing seasons, winning seasons, national championships.

That brings us to about a month ago. My dad called me to tell me he was flying my brother out from Virginia for a football game – actually, for a last football game in his seats. He’s decided that this is the last year he’s buying season tickets. Dad asked if Jesse and I wanted to go along, and that Deena (my step-mom) would watch the girls and put them to bed.

Dad also suggested that since it was mom’s birthday weekend, we should have a breakfast and surprise her with Dan. I texted Dan and told him not to tell mom he was coming. I texted Steve (my step-dad) and told him the plan so he wouldn’t make other plans. I didn’t tell Alma because I knew she’s spill the beans.

On Saturday, I got to go to a football game with these three handsome guys.

I know that football games aren’t usually emotionally charged, but I have to admit that I felt pretty darn happy to be sitting in those seats with my three favorite men. Knowing that it would be the last time in these seats was also a little strange – I have so many memories tied to the Ducks and those seats and that view. Also, ever since Peace Corps, I get pretty choked up when I hear the national anthem (that’s another story for another blog post…).

It was a rainy game, but we didn’t get too soaked. Besides, as many of you know, it never rains in Autzen Stadium. We had an unfortunate event that culminated with the women leaving a puddle of vomit in the row in front of us, but on the bright side, that opened up our view so it was even better than normal, even if it didn’t smell as good as normal.

The game was great, it was close, but the Ducks won. It was a fond farewell to the seats that hold so many memories.

Then, yesterday morning, Dan came about a half hour before mom and Steve were expected. Dan and I were waiting in the kitchen when they showed up. Jesse did a great job getting Alma to talk about something other than the fact that Dan was in the kitchen. She still didn’t know that it was surprising to have Dan there, otherwise she would have said something like, “There’s a surprise in the kitchen! It’s Uncle Dan!” Here’s how it all went down (nothing really happens until about 30 seconds in) :

Mom was certainly surprised, and we spent the rest of the morning together. We had breakfast, played around the house, then went out to lunch.

When Dan moved away over a year ago, I truly thought we wouldn’t get the chance to see him again until his wife’s graduate program was done. We’ve been lucky to have seen him twice now (thanks to my dad!), once in California, and again this weekend.

My girls love him, and he’s really fun with them. He’s definitely that uncle who tries to teach them the wrong things, and I love him for it.

A Day In The Life – September 9, 2015

Posted by Carolyn on September 11, 2015 4 Comments

6:40 – I want to remember this changing morning light. Shadows are getting longer, colors are changing. I meant to do A Day In The Life during the summer, but it’s already slipping into Autumn. At least I am doing this before summer officially ends and school starts back up. AndThenThey September00 6:54 – I want to remember these mornings when Jesse and I play a game of chicken – who can last the longest before getting out of bed to get Harriet, or to get some milk for the girls. This morning I lost, but I usually win. AndThenThey September01 7:02 – I want to remember these breakfasts of smoothies for me, Jesse, and Harriet. Alma doesn’t care for smoothies. Jesse also doesn’t really care for the chia seeds I put in the smoothies, but I’m not going to stop doing it. I love the weird little gooey seeds. 7:21 – I want to remember how Alma could eat a ‘peanut butter sandwich with honey’ for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Sometimes she could eat two. AndThenThey September03 7:48 – I want to remember how much the girls love ‘talking’ on the phone, usually to their grandparents. This morning it is a princess calling her grandparents. I also want to remember these moments when the girls are entertaining themselves and each other. 8:44 – I want to remember these moments I get to create for my girls. I know it will be too soon before a mama-made backpack won’t be cool enough. For now it’s the coolest thing ever and I appreciate that. AndThenThey September05 9:18 – I want to remember how daunting most sewing projects seem before I start, then how I get in a groove and really enjoy seeing something appear out of nothing. It’s magic, and I love magic. 9:44 – I want to remember how these girls love Sofia the First, and can usually agree to watch it. I also want to remember how much I actually like it too. The songs are so good, and the messages are lovely. Sofia is a strong, smart princess. I feel bad turning on a show so I can get something done, but at least it’s a good show. AndThenThey September07 10:14 – I want to remember how my mom sometimes brings books to share with the girls. Today it is Ladybug Girl and Llama, Llama, Red Pajama. I also want to remember how the girls attach themselves to all their grandparents and soak up all the love being given to them. They are lucky girls. 11:03 – I want to remember how brave Alma got this summer. In the beginning of the summer, she wouldn’t feed the animals on her own, now she finds corn husks, grass, fallen food, and rocks to give the goats and see if they like it. I’m proud of my big girl. AndThenThey September09 11:04 – I want to remember the adventures we took this summer. We went to the farm a lot, to lots of parks, the library, and to concerts all over town. It wasn’t boring, and it wasn’t hard, thanks to lots of grandparents who were around to play with us, and help us out. AndThenThey September10 11:07 – I want to remember how Harriet is still a little scared of the farm animals. I mean, she loves them, but she doesn’t want to have their mouths anywhere near her. I think this is a healthy fear, and she’ll outgrow it quickly. She loves the animals and never wants to leave them. If I mention the goats, she says, clear as day, “goats!” and holds her hand out like she’s feeding them, then says “money?” because I often don’t have quarters to feed the goats. She’s a planner, and I want to remember that. AndThenThey September11 11:21 – I want to remember how the girls play together and help each other out. Harriet loves when Alma involves her, and Alma is realizing that Harriet is a playmate who can actually play. AndThenThey September12 11:28 – I want to remember the taste of Detering’s Apple Cider. It’s a memory of my childhood, going out to the farm, getting the sample cup, begging my parents to buy a gallon to take home. It’s still just as good, and takes me right back to childhood. I love that it will be a memory of childhood for my girls, too. AndThenThey September13 12:07 – I want to remember how Harriet is eager to help with the chicken chores. She loves to feed them, gather the eggs, and most of all, carry them inside. She even likes to eat them, so that’s a huge plus. I also want to remember her sweet pudgy arms and wonderful cheeks. 1:11 – I want to remember this time of year, when the light starts to shine in through my sewing windows. It means Autumn is coming and the Earth is spinning and rotating and hurtling through its seasonal orbit. Just as it should be. AndThenThey September15 2:16 – I want to remember Alma’s first haircut and how she chooses to have me trim it up. She looks so sweet and grown-up. AndThenThey September16 3:25 – I want to remember the letters the girls get from their new teachers before school starts. Both girls are so excited today to open mail addressed to them. Alma ‘called’ her teachers and talked to them, and pretended it was school for a good hour after opening her letter. 4:06 – I want to remember how my mom came over or watched the girls at her house so often this summer. I appreciate her as much as my girls do. It makes the day so much better to have a grown-up to talk to. She also generously helps around the house, doing laundry, helping with the dishes, and entertaining all of us. AndThenThey September18 5:07 – I want to remember these last moments before Jesse gets home. I’m certainly watching for his car to drive up, and I think the girls are anticipating it, too. I’ve been trying to get the girls interested in doing something so they’re not just whining, which is what they usually do. Today it is dancing and playing with babies. I also read a lot of books between 4:30 and when Jesse gets home. Harriet loves Pigeon and Llama Llama books. Alma likes pretty much anything. AndThenThey September19 5:54 – I want to remember how Jesse takes the girls and plays with them while I make dinner. They usually do funny things like pretend to sleep, and he is right there with him. He is seriously the best dad and husband. 6:13 – I want to remember these family dinners we have. Even though we’re in the middle of doing a Whole30, we are able to make food that the girls will eat (most of the time). I also want to remember all these healthier ways we are eating now, and use them forever and ever amen. AndThenThey September21 6:59 – I want to remember how good it feels to get the dishes done before the kids are in bed! Usually we wait until after, but tonight we finished dinner early, so we just did the dishes as the kids played. Phew, that feels really good. AndThenThey September22 7:05 – I want to remember how we all cuddle in bed for a story before we put the girls to bed. I want to remember how we do kisses before bed, each person giving each person a kiss, then one big kiss all together. Then, Jesse and I trade off who puts whom to bed. Harriet is easy – a song, then in the crib, tucked in, and out of there. Alma is a different story. She won’t go to sleep unless one of is sitting in her room. I know that this isn’t the best routine, but for now it’s better than having her come out over and over and over again. We’ll figure out another routine soon. It’s also kind of nice to just sit in there with her, and catch up on Instagram and blogs. AndThenThey September23 9:34 – I want to remember how I feel and who I am right now. I have a good, happy life. I have a warm, comfortable home. I have a loving, funny family. I have support, guidance, friends, and love. And that’s good enough for me. See my other Day In The Life post: May 12 2015.

A Day In The Life – May 12, 2015

Posted by Carolyn on May 13, 2015 3 Comments

6:35 a.m. I want to remember how I try to go back to sleep even though Harriet is clearly awake and wants to come hang out with us.

6:56 a.m. I want to remember how we all have our things. Harriet and I catch up on Instagram, Feedly, Facebook, and Snapchat. a003 7:39 a.m. I want to remember how Jesse and Harriet make French toast. Harriet sits on the counter and takes it all in. And how I spilled a full on trail of syrup from the kitchen counter all the way to Alma’s seat at the table. Little drops of sticky the whole way. And how Harriet was totally freaked out by it.

a004 7:47 a.m. I want to always remember Harriet’s pudgy fingers as she holds her fork in one hand, and using the other hand to eat. And how her whispy curls undoubtedly get stuck in whatever she’s eating. a005 8:15 a.m. I want to remember this time of our lives. While Jesse is looking for work, we all get the huge blessing of time together as a family. While it’s a hard time, it’s also magical and beautiful. 8:30 a.m. I want to remember these days of stealing my pots to make soups of puzzles, and the obsession with babies. And how Alma was dressed up ‘as a mommy’ and was going to work and said to me, “Grownups come back. Don’t worry, you have a good babysitter. Harriet is your babysitter.” a009 9:05 a.m. I want to remember these days of carseats and mirrors and my girl tribe going together all the time, all over. a013 9:25 a.m. I want to remember how they always stop to go through the tunnels. And how Harriet can hang on the bars. And how they do this together. a014 9:35 a.m. I want to remember how Alma, Elizabeth Grace, Harriet, and whoever’s there love to race down this long hallway. And how the hallway probably seems much longer to them. And how I used to do the same thing at their age. 9:43 a.m. I want to remember the good moments between these two. EG and Alma have such a special, and complicated friendship. They love each other. Even when they don’t exactly like each other. a018 9:54 a.m. I want to remember this time with the other young families at our church. And how Bingham can help us talk about Jesus, but can also crack the kids up, and lead them in The Wheels on the Bus. a019 9:59 a.m. I want to remember this age of discovery and peekaboos. 11:12 a.m. I want to remember Harriet’s two fingers in her mouth. And how she always falls asleep during our noonish drives home, but will still take a 3 hour nap in the afternoon. This girl loves sleep. a023 12:45 p.m. I want to remember how I went to sell our clothes after doing the KonMari Method the night before. And how I had 3 hours on the town, by myself. And how we hardly sold anything, but donated everything.

And how I came home to do some dishes while water boiled for milk-reducing tea. And how I had just stopped nursing completely the week before (after almost 21 months!). a027 4:07 p.m. I want to remember how Alma loves to watch shows on our bed during Harriet’s naps. And how Jesse sometimes joins her to nap, play games, or read. a029 5:17 p.m. I want to remember how we have 9 chickens, 5 of whom are new and still figuring things out. This one, in particular, escaped 4 times today. I had to chase her back through the gate over and over. Alma thinks it’s hilarious, but is actually a pretty effective chicken wrangler. a031 5:38 p.m. I want to remember this time of eating things from our garden, and the magic of putting flowers in our food. 6:02 p.m. I want to remember that we actually love frittatas. And how we made this whole meal (and many of our meals) completely from scratch, bread and salad dressing included. And how much better these scratch meals taste. a034 6:42 p.m. I want to remember these whole family reading moments before bed. And how Alma wants to get all ‘tozy’ in her ‘dammies.’ And how we are mostly reading Iggy Peck and Rosie Revere because we all love them. a035 7:34 p.m. I want to remember my guilty pleasure TV shows. Scandal, Call the Midwife, Forever, Survivor, Amazing Race. Tonight Jesse had a vestry meeting, so I got to catch up a little. a037 9:33 p.m. I want to remember how Jesse and I have our favorite shows, and watch them with the big down blanket. Mad Men, Game of Thrones, Kimmy Schmidt, Mindy Project. a040 11:11 p.m. I want to remember how much I love our bed, and going to sleep.

Friday Gratitudes 36 & 37

Posted by Carolyn on September 19, 2014 Leave a Comment

5: School.
6: Love.
7: Friends/music.
8: Preschool.
9: Mom.
10: Walk.
11: Memories.
12: Friends.
13: September.
14: Shower.
15: Courage.
16: Mom.
17: Walks.
18: 100,000.

Family Weekend 2014 – Leavenworth

Posted by Carolyn on September 3, 2014 Leave a Comment

Every year my parents get all of their kids together for a weekend of family fun. I should say that it’s rare to get all the kids together, but we do the best we can. There have been a couple years when we were all there. We have had weekends at the beach, in Eugene, in Portland, in Hood River, in Umpqua. Only Jen and her family have been to every single family weekend. But, I digress…

This year we all met up near Leavenworth for an August weekend. It was a wonderful weekend. One of the best. It is definitely the best location so far! We all fit in the house and the house had great things for everyone.

Awesome toys right outside the house for the kids.

A huge table for whiskey taste testing.

And crafting with Grams.

A river with a little pool for playing.

Roads and paths for exploring.

A patio with enough seats for everyone.

A hot tub for playing (and relaxing after the kids were in bed).

We had eighteen of our twenty-four family members – eight of the ten cousins. Isn’t that crazy? Ten kids under 8!

We missed Dan, Nina, Ben, Devon, John, and Liam (and Chumley!)! But were happy to have the time together.

My mom (as usual) organized some fun things for everyone. She had the kids figure out how old and tall all the adults were. She asked them a bunch of great questions. We learned that Alma likes to “Um, play” and that she wants to be a cheetah. After the kids were in bed, all the women toasted their men, and we got to remember some of the other funny things we had done on past family weekends.

It was a beautiful time with some of my most favorite people in the world!

More Fun at Avalon’s House

Posted by Carolyn on August 28, 2014 Leave a Comment

Alma really loved spending time playing at Avalon’s house. We all really enjoyed the wonderful hospitality of Michael and Michelle. They are such a lovely little family. We love them all.

We were also happy to get to spend some time with our dear friend Elvin. We met him in Azerbaijan when he was a teenager. Now he’s a brilliant young man studying in California. It’s been so great having him on the West Coast this year. He loves our girls so much, and honestly, the feeling is mutual.