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When to Apologize?

Posted by Carolyn on January 13, 2016 4 Comments

Apologize: to offer an apology or excuse for some fault, insult, failure, or injury

Lately Alma has been doing something that concerns me.  She will say something silly, or do something goofy, and immediately say, “Sorry ’bout dat,” with a shrug and a self-depreciating eye roll.  For example, she will pronounce a word wrong, or mix up her words, or stumble a little bit.  Something about which she absolutely doesn’t need to feel sorry.

It reminds me of those studies that show that women, in group meetings or classes, will say, “I’m sorry…” then ask their question or make their comment.  I’m pretty sure I read about this in Lean In by Sheryl Sandberg, but I’ve been thinking about it for a long time.

It’s a hedge, something we say to fill space or make excuses.  How many times have you said your opinion and finished up with, “…but that’s just what I think,” in order to avoid a confrontation.  That’s a hedge.  So is saying you’re sorry, oftentimes.

And this phenomenon is certainly more common with women than with men.  I have been around groups of women who constantly apologize to each other, for every little thing.  Even if it’s the other person’s fault.  Even if it’s nobody’s fault.  How many times have you asked someone who was blocking your way to move by first saying sorry?  Why do we apologize to someone who is standing in the doorway, or blocking the thing we need, when it’s obvious that they’re in the wrong?

The act of saying you’re sorry when you’ve done nothing wrong makes us look weak.  It is admitting that we have no power in our situation.  It is admitting that we feel that what we have to say, or do, is less important than others.

I don’t want my daughters to believe this about themselves.  I want them to own their opinions, their actions, and their questions.  They are strong, and their voices are important.  I want them to know that they can ask their question, or make a correction, or add an opinion without being perceived as aggressive.  Moreover, I want them to know that it’s okay to be aggressive.  If they make a mistake, they can own it without apologizing, especially if it doesn’t affect anyone else, like when Alma mispronounces a word.

Raising daughters, this goes even further.  I don’t want my girls to ever apologize for not wanting to hug or kiss someone. I’ve written before about how I never make them hug or kiss anyone if they don’t want to. I want them to be strong and feel like they don’t ever have to apologize for this.  When they’re teenagers and young adults, I want them to be confident that they can turn down sexual advances without an apology.  They don’t have to do anything they don’t want to do, and they don’t have to apologize for it.

This all isn’t to say that I never want my kids to apologize.  I certainly want them to say they’re sorry when they’ve hurt someone.  I’ve started saying, “Only apologize when you’ve done something wrong” whenever Alma does this.  I want to break the habit.  There is a line in Sarah Kay’s poem “Point B” that says “always apologize when you’ve done something wrong but don’t you ever apologize for the way your eyes refuse to stop shining.”  And that’s really it, isn’t it?  I just want my girls to shine and not have to apologize about it.

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Posted in: a little moment, learned., letters for my daughters, parented., parenting tips and tricks, STRONG, writing | Tagged: alma, children, Daughters, family, harriet, I'm sorry, Life, Parenting, strong, writing

I Love Subbing

Posted by Carolyn on November 5, 2015 1 Comment
I Love Subbing

andthenthey i love subbing 1Truth time.  I love subbing.  It’s taken me years to realize this, but now I’m ready to publicly admit it.

I have been reluctant to admit it, because somehow it feels like a failure.  I didn’t get my masters degree to be a sub.  I got it to be a teacher.  That was the plan, but it isn’t how it’s worked out.  That’s the thing about plans, though, isn’t it?

After Peace Corps, I went back to my job as an assistant teacher for a special needs preschool.  We spent the first week of September setting up our classroom, along with all the other teachers in our building.  I walked down the hall and was jealous of the ‘real teachers’ setting up their own rooms.  I know that I was feeling down about coming home from a grand adventure, and just falling back into the person I was before I left – though I felt different than the person I was before I left.  I wasn’t even a lead teacher, I was just back in my role of assistant.

I decided then, and there, that it was time for a real change.  I looked into teacher training programs, and found one in Eugene that would start in January.  I applied, took some tests, and was in.  I knew I was on the right track as soon as I went to the first day of orientation.

After I graduated, I looked for jobs, but couldn’t find one.  I became a substitute teacher, but kept looking for a ‘real’ job.  I went to graduate school for this.  I went to be a teacher.  I went to have my own room that I could design, and curriculum that I could create, and students who were ‘mine.’  I felt like a fake, like not a ‘real teacher.’  I felt like people looked at me like I just couldn’t cut it, and that’s why I didn’t have a ‘real job.’

I has been almost five years since graduate school, and I’ve had some long-term jobs, but nothing permanent.  For the first four years, this made me feel bad, like I couldn’t cut it.  Every summer I would apply for jobs, and go to interviews, but I was never hired.  It was a self-esteem killer, I’ll be honest.

This past summer, I decided not to even look at jobs that were posted. I came to a very important conclusion and here’s my public declaration: I really, truly love subbing.   I’m not ashamed or embarrassed.

I looked at what I love about teaching and realized that there are three main things – the kids, the curriculum, the learning.  I thought about it, and realized that I get all three of those things as a sub.  These days, I mostly work at two middle schools.

I know the kids.  I have relationships with the kids.  In some ways, I can have better relationships with the kids because I’m not the ‘real’ teacher, the one who gives them grades and who has real expectations on them.  I’m like the fun aunt who comes to babysit.  I’m not saying that I don’t discipline the students – I certainly don’t run a loose classroom (in fact, some students say that the class never works as hard as when I’m there). When I walk through the halls, the kids ask who I’m subbing for and are excited if they’ll have me that day.  They tell my I’m the best sub.

Since I’m in these two schools, the teachers know that I can actually teach.  They don’t just leave videos or worksheets.  They trust me to continue their curriculum, and sometimes, I even get to create my own.  I get to lead discussions, and see real learning take place.

While lots of teachers leave grading for me to do, it’s easily completed in my time on the clock.  As a sub, I don’t ever have to take work home with me.  I leave school when my day is done, and can focus the rest of my day on my family.

I mostly just sub at two middle schools.  I get enough work from them.  They know me, and I know them.  The teachers will set up the jobs days, or weeks in advance (which makes it much easier to find grandparents who can watch my kids while I’m working).

That’s the other thing!  I get to spend so much time with my girls.  I only work 2-4 days a week, so I still get to be with my kids a lot of the time.  I get to take them to school, and pick them up.  I also get to choose when I work, so if one of the girls has an appointment or a program at school, I know that I can be there for them.

So, there you have it.  I’ve spent four years feeling inferior, but I’m done with that.  I’m owning that this is my ‘real job’ and that that’s okay.  It’s something I’m good at.  It’s something I enjoy.  It’s something that gives me time to also enjoy my other ‘real job’ as a mom.

I don’t know what my plan is from here.  Maybe I’ll get a ‘real job’ someday, when my kids are older.  Maybe the perfect job will come around and I’ll have to jump on it.  Maybe I’ll sub forever.  Maybe I’ll stop teaching completely and focus on creating for my shop.  Who knows?  That’s the thing about plans…

andthenthey i love subbing 2d

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Posted in: gave thanks., learned., story telling | Tagged: education, Life, life of a sub, Parenting, subbing, teaching, writing

First Day of School, 2015

Posted by Carolyn on September 14, 2015 1 Comment

andthenthey first day of school porchI just dropped both my kids off at school.  Alma was ready to be back.  Harriet was ready to begin.  When we turned the corner and school came into view, Harriet shouted, “Schoooool!”

andthenthey first day of school with signShe’s ready.

andthenthey first day of school breezewayWe went in, both kids were nervous, but had no tears and no problems.

andthenthey first day of school lamaAlma didn’t want to let go of my leg, but I handed her off to her new, sweet teacher.  As I left her room, I turned and snapped a photo of my big, brave girl.

andthenthey first day of schoolalma teacherHarriet didn’t want to let go of my leg, but I handed her off to Rachel, our wonderful friend who has helped us raise our girls from infancy.  Harriet was excited to show Rachel her “coa” necklace.  If you know Harriet, you know that “coa” means unicorn.  If you know Rachel, you know that she shares a love of “coas” with all young children.  I gave Harriet a hug and slipped out of the room.

andthenthey first day of school harriet rachelThe energy in the hallway was electric.  Parents were smiling, looking nervous, asking each other how their kids did with the drop-off.

Leaving the school, I could see Alma already digging happily in the sandbox, her favorite place last year.  A new friend was playing with her.

Leaving the school, I felt like I was forgetting something.  I didn’t have a stroller with my baby in it.  Instead, my baby was back in Alma’s old classroom, now her own.  And my baby isn’t a baby anymore.  She’s now a big preschooler who can talk about unicorns and dance and play.

I did the usual walk that Harriet and I did countless times last year.  It was the same walk, but so, so different.  I had a backpack carrying all my things instead of just stashing it all in the stroller.  When I saw a squirrel scurry up a tree, I didn’t have anyone to point it out to.  I could walk as fast as I wanted, and never had to stop to adjust a blanket or hand out snacks.

Even the destination of my walk is different.  It’s still the college campus, but this year it’s so much more.  This past year has been so hard.  So, so hard.  Jesse had a job that didn’t make him happy.  Then he was laid off (more of a relief than a scare) and had a month of unemployment.  Then he got a job that makes him happy.  Now when I walk to campus, I walk towards Jesse.  The whole campus has a different feel knowing that Jesse is here, doing a job that doesn’t feel like work, doing a job that helps people, doing a job that makes a difference.

Right now I’m sitting in a coffee shop across the street from Jesse’s building, all alone.  It’s quiet and I have time to think and write and reflect.

I don’t have anyone to point out squirrels to, but that’s okay.  I’m going to be fine.  In fact, I think I’m going to really like this year.

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Posted in: a little moment, gave thanks., learned., parented. | Tagged: first day, growing up, kids, Life, Parenting, preschool, school

Mother’s Day

Posted by Carolyn on May 10, 2015 Leave a Comment

This is such a tricky day.  While I love my kids, and love the fact that there is a day to celebrate my mother(s) and be celebrated, it almost seems like a slap-in-the-face holiday.

I have friends who aren’t parents, who never want to be parents.  I imagine this day is a strange one, where Facebook and Instagram become overrun with notes of thanks for the children that made them mamas, and celebrations of the husbands who spoil them for the mere fact of being a mother.

I have friends who aren’t parents, who want to be parents.  I imagine this day is full of pain, seeing the yearly (and frankly, constant) reminder that they don’t have what they so dearly desire.  The reminder that prayer and medicine isn’t enough.  My heart breaks on this day for those friends.

While I want to be celebrated and appreciated for what I do as a mother (I really, really want to be celebrated, this shit is hard), I also want to get rid of this holiday that blatantly leaves out a certain population.  That blatantly leaves out some of my dearest friends.  Because, honestly, I know that it is much harder to want to be a mother, and not be able to.

When we were younger, we tried to have children for about a year, with no success.  We decided to stop trying and decide if we’d be happy if it was just the two of us, or if we should look into other options for having kids.  We decided that we would be happy, and that’s when we found out about Alma.  I know that story sounds trite and motherhood-elitist, but it is our truth.  The reason I write about it here, is to show that I can understand (at least a little bit) what it feels like to try and not succeed.  I also know what it feels like to decide not to have kids, and picture a life as a non-mother.

I currently have friends who are finally pregnant (after ten years of trying and praying), and friends who are in the process of adopting.  While not particularly close to these friends, I keep up with them on Facebook and Instagram.  I feel like their journeys have been long.  I feel like their journeys have been hard.  I want them to know that I have been, and continue to be, with them through it all (as much as is possible in our internet age).  I honestly and truly hold them in my heart, especially today.

I want them to know that I said a prayer for them today in church.  And they are in my prayers often.

I want them to know that they should be celebrated.  Celebrated as the mothers they want to be, and the people they are now – with or without children of their own.

I think it is great to celebrate motherhood.  We wouldn’t be here without it.

I just want to take a moment to celebrate everyone else.

Today, and always, I love you.

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Posted in: parented. | Tagged: children, gratitude, kids, Life, love, mother, mother's day, motherhood, mothers, Parenting

35 Things to do Before I Turn 35

Posted by Carolyn on February 26, 2015 6 Comments

Yesterday was my birthday!  I am now proud to say that I have made 34 trips around the sun.  Pretty cool journey we get to take each year, flying around in outer space.  For my 35th years, I decided to make a list of 35 things to do before I turn 35. ABM_1424992821Here’s my list:

  1. Read a book a month.  This should be easy since I have book club every month.  If I keep up with the club, this will be complete!  Note to self: must get this month’s book!
  2. Sign up for life insurance.  Not to be morbid, or anything.  But, yeah.
  3. Try a Barre3 class.
  4. Get a monthly massage.  I would love to complete this goal, but I think it might be one of the less likely.
  5. Try acupuncture.
  6. Get a haircut.  I’m pretty much on a once yearly schedule, and my last haircut was last March.  I did this right before my trip to California!  I love it how the stylist thins out my hair.  Feels so much lighter!
  7. Try 5 recipes from my new cookbook!
  8. Spend a weekend at the beach.
  9. Spend a weekend in the mountains.
  10. Can something.  Maybe tomatoes, pizza sauce, green beans?  What do you think, friends?  I know I have some amazing canning friends!
  11. Get our garden going again.  It has been sadly ignored since I’ve either been pregnant or living with a small baby for the past 3 summers.
  12. Focus on getting my Etsy shop going.  Note:  It has a new name and address – CaroMade!
  13. Post one new listing on CaroMade every month.
  14. Do a creative retreat – either an organized one, or organize my own!
  15. Get more chickens.
  16. Get back on my daily chore schedule!  Our house neeeeeeeds it!
  17. Go to Disneyland!  Yes!  We took Alma there with my cousin and his family.  So perfect.
  18. Go to a Broadway musical – it will more than likely be on tour, but it will count and it will be amazing.
  19. Hike 35 miles.  Or maybe 35 kilometers might be more attainable.
  20. Get the trailer set up and go on bike rides with the girls.
  21. Rent a limo.  I’m thinking wine tasting, or Christmas lights?
  22. Make and sew a huge cushion for our hearth.
  23. Get chairs recovered.
  24. Get estimates to get our house painted.
  25. Set up some good seasonal capsule wardrobes.
  26. 5 Days of Christmas crafts on the blog.
  27. Get going on a creative, relaxing morning routine.
  28. More author interviews on the blog.
  29. Plant a tree, or lots of trees.
  30. Take a class.  Sewing?  Cooking? Writing?
  31. Sew some clothing for me.
  32. Make art of Alma’s and Harriet’s rooms.
  33. Go to the Country Fair.
  34. Go camping.
  35. Build a sandcastle or a snowman.

And…. GO!

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Posted in: learned., STRONG | Tagged: art, birthday, creating, garden, goal setting, goals, Life, love, Novruz, Oregon, sewing, strong, travel

Sometimes You Just Say Yes

Posted by Carolyn on February 16, 2015 Leave a Comment

IMG_6225Alma kept talking about painting all day yesterday.  When the time was right, I went out to the sunroom, set up her watercolors and paper, and she said, “No! I want to paint the fence!”  I have no idea where she got this idea, but I thought it was a good one.  Why not?  Sometimes you just say ‘yes!’

IMG_6184 IMG_6185 IMG_6188 IMG_6190We started with finger paints and they weren’t working very well, so we switched to tempera.  At one point Jesse came out and asked if it would wash off.  I just shrugged.  Who cares?  It’s art.  It’s memories.  It’s beautiful.  It’s yes.  And truth be told: we’ll probably have to replace this fence this spring anyway.

IMG_6196 IMG_6201 IMG_6203 IMG_6205 IMG_6208 IMG_6210

All the pink spots are lions.  She told me that.  Then she said, “Oh!  One’s falling down!”  Do you see it?IMG_6222 IMG_6224

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Posted in: a little moment, art, created., decorating, garden, gave thanks., learned., painting, parented. | Tagged: alma, art, create, creating, creative, daughter, garden, gratitude, kids, Life, love, motherhood, outside, paint, Parenting

Alma’s New Quilt

Posted by Carolyn on September 11, 2014 5 Comments

aIMG_4040Alma just made the transition from her ‘baby bed’ to her ‘big kid bed.’  We actually converted her crib into a twin bed and just had to buy a mattress.  Jesse did a great job building the rails and platform for the bed.  I love having such a handy husband!

I wanted this quilt to be special, so I actually bought, and (mostly) followed a pattern.  All my other quilts have just been of my design and pretty simple.  And quite small.  This quilt is a whole twin sized quilt.  Whoa.

aIMG_4043I bought the Atkinson Designs Morning Noon & Night pattern and used the Scrappy Quilt pattern with more of the Sunrise Quilt color design.  I wanted to transition from the aqua color to the coral-pink color.  I bought the pattern and most of my fabric at my favorite fabric store, Piece by Piece.

aIMG_4038As always, I had times where I would get nervous, but it all came together really beautifully, and quite easily.

aIMG_4035I love to make the backs of my quilts fun and interesting, too.  All these fabrics are fun to look at – fairies, goose rides, hiding kids.  I love it.

aIMG_4045This is by far my biggest sewing project, and totally one of my favorites!

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Posted in: created., sewing, sewing for my daughters | Tagged: alma, children, daughter, Daughters, kids, Life, Parenting, quilt, sewing

Maundy Thursday

Posted by andthenthey on April 18, 2014 2 Comments

I wouldn’t say we go to an experimental church.  But, yesterday our church had an experiemental service.  They offered their first annual Maundy Thursday Family Service.  I would call the experiment a success.  The only thing they should change would be saving the nice towels for the adult service.  More on that later.

During the Gospel, there was a full chorus of children singing various versions of the typical child-song.  During the prayers, there was a line dance happening in the back pews.  During the children’s sermon, I counted at least three children who were expertly expressing their emotions.

Then came the main event.

Our lovely priest washed any child’s feet who wanted their feet washed.  There were pitchers of water, a big bowl for the feet, beautifully pristine white towels for drying.

The first spill happened right away, so it was good to get it out of the way.  The first spill was born out of exuberance and happiness. Feet were washed.

More water was spilled.  And more.  More feet were washed.

Then came communion.  When the kids gather around the altar, to be involved in the Great Thanksgiving, it was exciting, as always. Kids were watching the priest.  Kids were sitting together.  Kids were doing suspicious dancing, ending with mad dashes to the restroom.  Kids were refusing to stand with their friends.  Kids were spitting up.  Exciting.

One thing that our church does is this – before the priest says, “The gifts of God, for the people of God,” he hands the bread and wine to the children to hold up.  As he handed the pitcher of wine to Alma and another child, the priest said, “Here you go, Alma.  And Carolyn.  Help them.”  No more spills, here.

Then the service was over.

There were muddy little footprints in the aisle.

All the pristine towels were soaked.

The children had clean feet.

The priest had damp robes.

I felt overwhelmingly happy that this was our church, and this was what our church does.

And it was good.

 

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Posted in: a little moment, gave thanks., gratitude, learned., one little word, parented., writing | Tagged: children, episcopal, episcopalian, happiness, Life, maundy thursday, Parenting

33

Posted by andthenthey on February 25, 2014 4 Comments

And Then They - Happy BirthdayToday I turn 33.  The flowers are starting to poke through the dark dirt.  The sky is brightening.  My early mornings aren’t feeling so early, now that the sun is joining us for more of our days.

Thirty-three is going to be an exciting, life changing year.  I have plans and ideas.  Hopes and dreams.  This is my year, with my family standing with me, cheering me on.

33.

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Posted in: gave thanks. | Tagged: 33, birthday, dreams, Life

More Baby Gear… Stroller Dilemas

Posted by andthenthey on February 6, 2014 1 Comment

You know what they say about hindsight.  Well, when it came to picking a stroller, we didn’t make the right decision for our family.  As with everything else, I did a ton of research, got people’s opinions, test drove strollers, basically did everything right.  We ended up with a Baby Jogger City Mini.  And we loved it.  I mean, really, really loved it.  I would totally recommend it to anyone.  It’s lightweight, folds up beautifully, the steering was lovely.

And Then They - City Mini with Baby AlmaBUT, it’s a single stroller.  We knew we were planning on having more kids someday soon, but we still bought a single stroller.  I think we just decided to figure out the double stroller if, and when, it became necessary.

Here’s the deal.  This totally wouldn’t be a problem if you space your kids out further than we did.  With only 19 months between Alma and Harriet, I knew we would need a double stroller.  I have friends who have added a standing board for their older kids, or just had them walk.  Not an option for Alma.  And we also like to use the stroller to go on long walks.  I can’t expect Alma to walk the whole way, or want to strap a big baby or toddler to my body.  This isn’t just for the grocery store or the mall.  I basically have two babies to push around.  Double stroller necessary.

What I wish I had known the first time around:  There are stroller options that convert from single to double!  What?!  Ha!  After doing lots more research, asking, test driving this time around, we came to the Baby Jogger City Select.

And Then They - City SelectThis stroller is ah-mazing.  It can be configured a gazillion different ways.  I’ll, again, refer you to the website so you can see all the beautiful things this stroller can do.  I love that both kids can see out when they are both front facing.  Since we go on walks, I like to use that time to show them the world.  Especially when we’re down by the river, or downtown.  I also love that they can face each other.  I think they love that, too.  I also really love that it can also be a single.  This is good for quick trips, when I just need to have Alma contained, and can carry Harriet in my Ergo.  The fact that it can be a single will extend the life, too, since we can keep using it when Alma has outgrown strollering.

The down side is that it comes with a pretty hefty price-tag.  We were able to get it when they were offering a deal where you got the second seat for free.  We were also able to sell our City Mini (Baby Jogger strollers hold their value really well!), so that helped a lot.  I *wish* we had just bought the City Select single when we had Alma, then we would have just had to buy the second seat when Harriet came around.  That would have stretched the life of the stroller for us.

Well, that’s my opinion, for whatever it’s worth.  Nobody paid me anything to write this.  I didn’t get any free strollers or anything.  I just love the products, and wanted to share!

If you missed my run-down of other baby gear, be sure to check it out here.

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Posted in: parented., parenting tips and tricks | Tagged: babies, baby, baby carrier, baby gear, baby gear list, baby jogger, baby reccomdations, children, city mini, city select, ergo, Life, Parenting, pregnancy, reccomendations, saving money
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If God said, ‘Rumi pay homage to everything that has helped you enter my arms,’ there would not be one experience of my life, not one thought, not one feeling, nor any act, I would not bow to. -Rumi

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