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When to Apologize?

Posted by Carolyn on January 13, 2016 4 Comments

Apologize: to offer an apology or excuse for some fault, insult, failure, or injury

Lately Alma has been doing something that concerns me. She will say something silly, or do something goofy, and immediately say, “Sorry ’bout dat,” with a shrug and a self-depreciating eye roll. For example, she will pronounce a word wrong, or mix up her words, or stumble a little bit. Something about which she absolutely doesn’t need to feel sorry.

It reminds me of those studies that show that women, in group meetings or classes, will say, “I’m sorry…” then ask their question or make their comment. I’m pretty sure I read about this in Lean In by Sheryl Sandberg, but I’ve been thinking about it for a long time.

It’s a hedge, something we say to fill space or make excuses. How many times have you said your opinion and finished up with, “…but that’s just what I think,” in order to avoid a confrontation. That’s a hedge. So is saying you’re sorry, oftentimes.

And this phenomenon is certainly more common with women than with men. I have been around groups of women who constantly apologize to each other, for every little thing. Even if it’s the other person’s fault. Even if it’s nobody’s fault. How many times have you asked someone who was blocking your way to move by first saying sorry? Why do we apologize to someone who is standing in the doorway, or blocking the thing we need, when it’s obvious that they’re in the wrong?

The act of saying you’re sorry when you’ve done nothing wrong makes us look weak. It is admitting that we have no power in our situation. It is admitting that we feel that what we have to say, or do, is less important than others.

I don’t want my daughters to believe this about themselves. I want them to own their opinions, their actions, and their questions. They are strong, and their voices are important. I want them to know that they can ask their question, or make a correction, or add an opinion without being perceived as aggressive. Moreover, I want them to know that it’s okay to be aggressive. If they make a mistake, they can own it without apologizing, especially if it doesn’t affect anyone else, like when Alma mispronounces a word.

Raising daughters, this goes even further. I don’t want my girls to ever apologize for not wanting to hug or kiss someone. I’ve written before about how I never make them hug or kiss anyone if they don’t want to. I want them to be strong and feel like they don’t ever have to apologize for this. When they’re teenagers and young adults, I want them to be confident that they can turn down sexual advances without an apology. They don’t have to do anything they don’t want to do, and they don’t have to apologize for it.

This all isn’t to say that I never want my kids to apologize. I certainly want them to say they’re sorry when they’ve hurt someone. I’ve started saying, “Only apologize when you’ve done something wrong” whenever Alma does this. I want to break the habit. There is a line in Sarah Kay’s poem “Point B” that says “always apologize when you’ve done something wrong but don’t you ever apologize for the way your eyes refuse to stop shining.” And that’s really it, isn’t it? I just want my girls to shine and not have to apologize about it.

Strong – One Little Word – 2015

Posted by Carolyn on December 31, 2015 1 Comment

My word for 2015 was STRONG. I wanted to increase my strength in many ways. I wanted to show my girls what a strong woman looks like. I wanted to strengthen my body, my mind, and my relationships.

I had plans of getting my wrist party everyday. I wanted to do a sun salutation everyday. I wanted to floss more often. I didn’t do all of these things. I didn’t increase my physical strength much at all.

The thing about STRONG as my word was that it was hard to find tangible ways to incorporate it into my daily life. Not like GRATITUDE in 2014.

When I started thinking about this post, I thought it would be a post about how I failed my word this year.

Then I kept thinking… I thought about this past year. Let me tell you, this past year was a doozy.

We started the year with Jesse in a new job. A new job that, from the start, wasn’t a good fit for our family. He was working long hours – going to work before the girls were awake, coming home for dinner, and going back to work after the girls were in bed.

The company had some internal problems, and Jesse’s position ended up being eliminated. I have never been more relieved to hear about someone being laid off. I knew that a period of unemployment would be hard on our family, but I also knew that it wouldn’t be long, and that Jesse needed a rest.

I worked as much as possible during that month, but also took some days off so we could be together as a family.

After only about a month of unemployment, Jesse was offered an amazing job at the University.

Looking back at the first half of the year, I remember the stress, the tensity, the long hours, the time spent missing Jesse, and know that I was strong. I was strong to be able to support Jesse during those months. Strong to support the girls. Strong to keep my shit together. Those months seem like forever ago, the feel like a dream.

Actually, now it feels like we’re in the dream. Jesse loves his job. He loves where he works. I love visiting him there. I’m so proud to tell people what he does and where he works. His job is making a difference in the world. He’s part of something important and worthwhile.

This year, Jesse and I also celebrated being married for a whole decade. We took the time to renew our vows in front of our daughters, our friends, and family. The past ten years haven’t been easy, but they have been fun. I feel the strength of our marriage, and the strength of our commitment to each other and to our family.

Anyhow, all this just to say that I have surprised myself with the strength I’ve shown this past year. My strength didn’t show itself in the ways that I expected, but it has shown itself in ways that were necessary. We have come through a tough time, and we’ve come our ahead. If that isn’t strong, I don’t know what is.

Photos by Katrina Henry, Edited by Me

Creating a Morning Routine

Posted by Carolyn on October 6, 2015 2 Comments

I’ve been trying to create a new morning routine for a few months now. My intent is to give myself some quiet time in the morning, before everyone else is awake, to get focused and settled. I couldn’t do this earlier because Harriet was waking up so early, but luckily she’s been sleeping in a little bit more and now I have time in the morning.

One thing I bought to help me do this is the book Savor. It’s a book of devotionals that was recommended by Ali Edwards. I bought it, but I couldn’t really get into it, so I suggested to my best friend, Katrina, that she get a copy too.

We’ve been trying to keep up and messaging back and forth about the readings everyday, that’s been harder than I thought it would be. I know that I need some time, set aside, just for this devotional.

One thing I realized about my friendship with Katrina, while I do consider her my best friend, we don’t have much time anymore to really talk and delve into deeper issues. I’ve already noticed that this book has helped us become closer and I’m looking forward to having more time to focus on it and to focus on our friendship.

So, when I had the idea to start getting up earlier, and create a morning routine I was thinking that I would get up at 5:50. I started setting my alarm and every morning I would just turn it off. My new idea is to wake up at 6:30, which is only 15 minutes earlier than Jesse gets up. I think this 15 minutes will be enough time to start making some tea or coffee then read the daily devotional in Savor, and to send my response to Katrina.

Today was the first day I’ve done this, and it seems to work out pretty well. I’m going to check in on my blog later this month to let you know how long I’ve been doing with this, and hopefully I’ll have all sorts of successes to share. I might even have expanded it to more time so I have time to do some sewing or creating along with the Savor.

Here’s a great line from yesterday’s entry in Savor. Doesn’t get much better than that!

Right now all the leaves are falling, and there’s no reason that they have to turn electric bright red before they fall, but they do and I want to live like that.

30 Days Hath September – Whole30 Reflections

Posted by Carolyn on September 30, 2015 1 Comment

So, it’s September 30th. this means a lot of things.

October is tomorrow, and Autumn is really, truly here. I can really see this on my walks. The trees are beautiful. There’s a chill in the air. The students are back on campus. I’m drinking hot tea instead of iced.

It also means we’ve technically made it to the end of our first Whole30. I say technically, because it has now been 30 days. But, really, it’s just the beginning (and not really an ending). It was a great experience, and we learned a lot about food, nutrition, our bodies, and what we’re capable of. I lost six pounds in the 3 1/2 weeks, Jesse lost 14).

This past weekend, we had a couple birthday parties to attend, so we decided to relax the rules since we were almost done. I ended up having a tiny portion of Yumm (locals will know that this means beans, brown rice, veggies and Yumm sauce). I instantly – I mean instantly – got a stomach ache and it became a gut bomb for the rest of the day. I was bloated and uncomfortable. Jesse got instant heartburn. Now, I always feel like Yumm is a healthy option, and I still think that it is (way better than fried foods, greasy meat, etc), so this surprised me. I realized that ‘healthy’ doesn’t necessarily mean ‘good for you.’ I’m not sure what it was that wasn’t good for me, but with the bloating and discomfort, I’m going to guess it was the beans. Suffice it to say, after a day of discomfort, I went back to the Whole30 way of eating for the rest of the weekend.

On Monday I wanted to try something else, so I got one of my favorite pumpkin muffins from a local bakery. I figured I had done really well, and deserved a treat on my walk. I bought it, started eating it, anticipating it to be the best thing I had ever eaten. I ate about half of the muffin, and was full and done. I didn’t feel gross like on Saturday, but I just realized it wasn’t worth it, so I didn’t finish it. I didn’t get any headaches or pains, so I’m going to assume that grains are okay for me to eat.

Since then, I’ve been back on the Whole30 plan. From here on out, I’m going to stick to it, but not strictly. I mean, if there’s something that looks good, and isn’t too unhealthy, I’ll have some of it. During this past month, I’ve learned ways to snack healthier, choosing an apple or a few banana chips. I’ve learned that I don’t need as much food as I previously thought. I feel like I’ve slayed my sugar-beast. At the parties this weekend, I could have had cupcakes, but didn’t, and truthfully, I didn’t really miss them.

I know that the Whole30 plan is crazy restrictive and overwhelming. I get it. There were days that were really difficult. There were things I really wanted to eat. But, I kept going. It’s easier than counting calories or points. It isn’t just some fad diet that has crazy things like tons of grapefruits or cabbage soup. It really felt like everything I put in my body had a purpose and was making me feel healthier and more energetic. I learned that a microwaved apple with cinnamon and nutmeg is a wonderful dessert, but that I didn’t always even need to have dessert. I learned that if I was feeling a slump, some tea or a handful of cashews would do the trick.

Most of all, I learned that I’m strong. My will is strong. My body is strong. Today, on my walk, I walked through a beautiful oak grove and couldn’t help taking a selfie. When I looked at the photo on my phone, I thought I looked great. My hair is just in a braid, and I’m not wearing makeup, but I still thought I looked great. I know it’s only six pounds, but I feel like my face looks thinner. And my skin is clearer, my hair is shinier, my eyes are brighter. Usually, I’ll take 100 selfies and kind of like one of them. Today I took about 20, and liked 10 of them. I know it sounds silly, but to me, that is strength.

Whole30 – Halfway Point Reflections

Posted by Carolyn on September 16, 2015 1 Comment

Jesse and I, along with some friends, have embarked upon a Whole30 journey. I’ve been interested in Whole30 for a while, and when Elise did it, I decided to finally give it a try. I mentioned it to Jesse, fully expecting him to poo poo the idea, but he was on board. We planned to do it for September for a few reasons, mostly because we wouldn’t be missing any of the fun food holidays, and it’s a perfect time with the feeling of fresh starts that accompany Autumn.

The first few days were rough, I’m not going to lie. I had headaches, and basically felt incredibly hungover. I was grumpy and mean and unhappy. It was crazy to me that going without certain foods was making me feel so bad. It wasn’t that I missed the foods – it was that my body seemed to be rebelling against the new diet. How had I become so addicted to such crap? It really felt like I was going through withdrawals (though, I must admit that I don’t really know what that feels like…).

By the third or fourth day, I was feeling much better. I was letting myself eat whenever I felt hungry, trying to keep the temptations to a minimum. I figured that if I was never super hungry, I would never crave the things I couldn’t have.

We have been cooking lots of great recipes, and I don’t have any complaints about what we’re eating. I don’t even miss the things that are forbidden. Sure, sometimes I think that some chèvre or blue cheese would taste good, but everything is good and tasty enough without it.

I thought I would miss bread, but it’s the last thing I miss. I realized that the bread isn’t what makes a sandwich taste good. I’ve been eating tuna on salad and it’s just as good as on bread. No, it’s better. Last night we had people over for dinner and served bread with this amazing shepherd’s pie recipe. I looked around the table and realized I wasn’t jealous of the people eating bread. It just isn’t necessary.

One of the very best things I’ve learned is how to make my own mayonnaise. It’s seriously so amazingly good, I’ll never go back. It’s especially good knowing that the egg used to make it is under a day old. I usually go out, grab an egg directly from the coop and make the mayo that way. It has to be room temperature, so it’s perfect, and oh so fresh!

For the first week, I was snacking more, trying to keep the hangry away. I would eat fruit, almond butter, and Lara bars almost every day. Now, into my third week, I’ve noticed that I don’t need to snack as much. If I need something, I grab an apple – another great reason to do Whole30 in September.

As of right now, I’m planning on starting to add back foods on October 1st. I’m going to start with pumpkin beer. Beyond that, I think I’ll wait until October 8th to add anything else back in (that’s when most of our friends will be done with their 30 days). I’ll start with cheeses and see how I feel. Then probably peas and other legumes. Those are the only things I really feel like I miss, so I might just stop there for another 30 days or so.

If you’re thinking of trying Whole30 for yourself, I say go for it. Give it at least a week before you even start to decide if you’ll continue. The first days are hard, but worth it.

Having risen from the first week fog, Jesse put together some tips for our group that I’m going to share here, too:

I’ve been thinking of what I would do differently if we did this again…so I thought I’d share!

First off make/buy your sauces before you start, including:
-Mayo
-Ketchup/bbq sauce substitute
-Salad dressing
-Ranch

Make a plan for lunches when you won’t have leftovers. I often went out to eat when I didn’t bring something from home and this has been very difficult to find somewhere that has diet-approved stuff. Probably having a steady supply of salad stuff and protein on hand is a good place to start.

Figure out a good snack food. For us it’s mixed nuts (and I throw in raisins for dessert). Also have a decent supply of Lara bars for the emergencies (they’re expensive and pretty processed, but when it’s that or hangriness…)

Screw sticking to the “Whole30” only stuff! I’m eating fruit dammit! And I’m having a glass of apple juice when I want one! Even with a few raisins now and then, it’s still better than a bowl of ice cream.

To save you some time, I’ve looked at all the labels for some things and found these to be good:
-Sweet Creek Dill Pickles (Literally almost the only brand out of dozens)
-Applewood hot dogs (not that hot dogs should be considered healthy in any sense)
-Frank’s Red Hot Sauce

Coffee. Have plenty on hand and make sure it’s the good stuff that you don’t need to cut with cream and sugar. If you’re thinking of giving it up, wait. I tried the first day and was miserable, one thing at a time here folks.

Try not to think of the replacement things that you find as the originals. Any bbq sauce you make WILL NOT be as good as Stubb’s…it just won’t…BUT it still can be good if you just think of it as a sauce you put on your pulled pork, not a bbq sauce.

Try to limit going out or going to other people’s houses (if they aren’t doing the diet as well) for the first week. Watching Alma and Harriet eat corn on the cob, eat chips and salsa, and have dessert was tough, I can’t lie.

That’s all I can think of for now…I think I’ve already lost about three pounds of brain matter on this diet.

These are a couple of our Whole30 meals… see, not too shabby! Chicken nuggets with almond crust (way better than traditional!), sweet potato fries, broccoli and homemade ketchup and mayo. Smoked pulled pork, sweet potato slider ‘buns,’ green beans, coleslaw. Also, I don’t think I’ll ever figure out how to photograph food.

STRONG Six Month Update

Posted by Carolyn on June 8, 2015 Leave a Comment

As I reported in January, I bought some of Elise’s goal sheets. I was totally gung-ho for a while with these, but I’ve lost steam.

I’ve been wanting to do an update… I decided I would recommit, then post an update when I was back on track. I thought 3 months in would be good. But I wasn’t happy with my progress at the time. Then 4 months passed and I still didn’t have my butt in gear. Then 5 months…

We’re in the 6th month now, and I’m still not happy with the amount of dots I’ve filled in lately. I decided to go with the idea that I need to make it public to make it happen. So, here I am, publicly announcing that it’s time to ~~try again,~~ ~~start over~~, keep going.

I quick reminder of what I’m trying to commit to this year: Being STRONG. Strong in body, mind, spirit. I thought a few of the things I could do to get stronger are flossing, kissing my family, writing a letter each week, going on a monthly hike, taking vitamins, sun salutations, 7 minute workouts, picking up my clothes, and having a wrist party (aka taking 10,000 steps in a day). IbMG_7887 As you can see, I haven’t done very well lately. My update is kind of sad. There are some sheets I haven’t even touched in months.

I decided that it was best to just post these photographs. It’s best to just show the truth of my situation. And that is that I need to get back on track. I need to be motivated to fill in those little bubbles. The second column is coming up, and I’d like to see it much more full.

Especially the wrist party sheet. Okay, STRONG, let’s do this. Again. For reals this time.

35 Things to do Before I Turn 35

Posted by Carolyn on February 26, 2015 6 Comments

Yesterday was my birthday! I am now proud to say that I have made 34 trips around the sun. Pretty cool journey we get to take each year, flying around in outer space. For my 35th years, I decided to make a list of 35 things to do before I turn 35. Here’s my list:

Read a book a month. This should be easy since I have book club every month. If I keep up with the club, this will be complete! Note to self: must get this month’s book!
Sign up for life insurance. Not to be morbid, or anything. But, yeah.
Try a Barre3 class.
Get a monthly massage. I would love to complete this goal, but I think it might be one of the less likely.
Try acupuncture.
~~Get a haircut. I’m pretty much on a once yearly schedule, and my last haircut was last March.~~ I did this right before my trip to California! I love it how the stylist thins out my hair. Feels so much lighter!
Try 5 recipes from my new cookbook!
Spend a weekend at the beach.
Spend a weekend in the mountains.
Can something. Maybe tomatoes, pizza sauce, green beans? What do you think, friends? I know I have some amazing canning friends!
Get our garden going again. It has been sadly ignored since I’ve either been pregnant or living with a small baby for the past 3 summers.
Focus on getting my Etsy shop going. Note: It has a new name and address – CaroMade!
Post one new listing on CaroMade every month.
Do a creative retreat – either an organized one, or organize my own!
Get more chickens.
Get back on my daily chore schedule! Our house neeeeeeeds it!
~~Go to Disneyland!~~ Yes! We took Alma there with my cousin and his family. So perfect.
Go to a Broadway musical – it will more than likely be on tour, but it will count and it will be amazing.
Hike 35 miles. Or maybe 35 kilometers might be more attainable.
Get the trailer set up and go on bike rides with the girls.
Rent a limo. I’m thinking wine tasting, or Christmas lights?
Make and sew a huge cushion for our hearth.
Get chairs recovered.
Get estimates to get our house painted.
Set up some good seasonal capsule wardrobes.
5 Days of Christmas crafts on the blog.
Get going on a creative, relaxing morning routine.
More author interviews on the blog.
~~Plant a tree,~~ or lots of trees.
Take a class. Sewing? Cooking? Writing?
Sew some clothing for me.
Make art of Alma’s and Harriet’s rooms.
~~Go to the Country Fair.~~
Go camping.
Build a sandcastle or a snowman.

And…. GO!

STRONG – Make It Public, Make It Happen

Posted by Carolyn on January 2, 2015 1 Comment

One thing about the One Little Word is that it’s sort of hard to keep it in the front of my mind for an entire year. With GRATITUDE in 2014, I was able to do this by making it a habit. Everyday, I wrote down my gratitude, then on (most) Fridays, I posted those words on the blog. At the end of the year, I posted all of them. That made it stay in my mind. For STRONG in 2015, I’ve been thinking of ways to keep it going. Following Elise’s list making strategy, I’m decided to make it public, and make it happen.

The first strategy for this also has a lot to do with Elise. For her 30th year, Elise made something each month, then sold it in batches of 29 or 290. For December, she made a goal sheet and sold it as a letterpress, and a digital file. I was quick, and snatched one of the letterpresses up – they sold out in minutes! I was really happy to finally get one of her Make29 offerings!

I also printed out a few others. I wanted to put them somewhere in the house that was very visible and public, so I figured the best place was right behind our front door. They are hard to miss. My goals are all things that I will do each day that will make me stronger. I will kiss my family, thus making our relationships stronger. I probably already do this, but actually paying attention will make it stronger. I will do a sun salutation each morning. I will floss every day (this will be hard, I’ve already missed a day!). I will take my vitamins. I will get my wrist party. These will make my body stronger. I also decided to use it for a weekly goal of writing a letter, and a monthly goal of going on a hike.

Hopefully, at the end of the year, most of the circles will be filled in. If I miss a few days, no big deal, that’s not the point. The point is creating habits, making myself stronger. And letting it go if I miss a few. I think it will really be impressive to see a visual representation of how I’m doing. I know that if I see patterns (like I never floss on Tuesdays, or never get my wrist party on Sundays), I’ll be able to figure out a way to work on it.

Raising STRONG Girls – One Little Word 2015

Posted by Carolyn on December 31, 2014 2 Comments

“You’re so cute!” “Aren’t you adorable?” “Look at your dress!” “Hi, princess!”

It’s constant. It’s true. My girls are cute, adorable, well-dressed princesses. It’s true. I do my best to make all of those things true. I’m okay with that.

I also do my best to make sure that my girls are smart, brave, funny, clever, curious, caring, and strong. aIMG_3036 I have told Alma that whenever anyone tells her she’s cute, she should say, “Thanks! I’m strong (or brave, or smart, or adventurous), too!”

I’ve taught her that princesses are brave. I’ll tell her, “Be brave, like a princess!” I know that people will call her a princess, I’m just trying to change what that means to her. (isn’t it odd that we call little girls princesses their whole childhoods, and it seems like a good thing, but then they grow up, and become women, and suddenly being called a princess isn’t a good thing, it means that she’s spoiled or self-centered, or high maintenance…?)

Think about the words that we use to describe little boys and girls. Girls get passive words like cute, sweet, silly, princess. Girls get complemented on their clothes, their hair, their appearance. Now boys. Boys get active words like fast, cool, strong, brave, funny, super-hero. Boys get complimented on their actions, their achievements. I do this, you do this. It’s just the way it is.

My nephew once told my mom that girls are cute, and boys are cool. I decided then, and there, that I would compliment his cute clothes next time I saw him. He was wearing swim shorts, and I said, “Cute shorts!” He looked so confused. He really had no idea what I mean, or how to take what I had said.

I want my girls to be girls, but to not have the feeling that being a girl is somehow less than being a boy. I want their words, their self-image, their opinions to be active, not passive. I want them to be strong.

I want them to be STRONG.

So, that’s my word for 2015. I want them to be strong. I want to be strong.

I want to get in shape, physically. I will focus (ahhhh… focus) on that quite a bit this year. I want to be STRONG. I want to be active, flexible, strong.

But, I also want to have strength other places in my life. I want to have strong relationships – with Jesse, the girls, my friends, my family, God. I want to be strong in my choices, opinions, convictions. I want to be resilient, curious, strong.

I want to be a good role model for my girls. I want them to know that their mommy was a strong woman, inside and out. I want to show them how I can be a princess – a princess who is brave, strong, cute, and their mother.

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