writing Archives - and then they...

On Blogging – Part Two, or Revisited

Posted by Carolyn on April 21, 2017 1 Comment

Last week, I had drinks with a fellow blogger – Hannah – and we got on the topic of blogging, obviously. I mentioned that I haven’t been feeling very creative lately, on the blog and off. I have quilts that are mostly done, but they’re just sitting there. I have ideas that are forming and formed in my mind, but they’re just sitting there. I have loads of fabric and two girls who need new clothes, but they’re just sitting there (the fabric, not the girls. The girls don’t sit still).

Then, today, Facebook reminded me of a post I wrote two years ago. There is a part that stood out. Mostly because it was so shockingly true to how I’m feeling now, two years later, to the day:

…there will come a time that I’m not inspired and I don’t feel like I have anything to post. And the blog is quiet. And (I know this sounds precious) my soul is quiet. It isn’t that the work of the blog gets overwhelming, it’s more that I’m just not taking the time to create. When I’m making things, and cooking things, and growing things, I am inspired. I’m inspired to write and share on the blog. Those are the times that I feel the best and the happiest.

Wow, past Carolyn, you sure hit the nail on the head with that one.

I feel the best when I’m taking the time to create. I feel the best when I’m taking ideas and using them to create actual, tangible things. I feel the best when I’m taking the time to sit down and write.

Right now, our garden is sprouting and I’m going to take that as a sign that my creativity needs to sprout right along with it.

My to-do list is long, but at least I finally wrote it all down.

My Greatest Fear

Posted by Carolyn on February 9, 2016 Leave a Comment

It happened again and again. I would look our my parent’s window and see them coming up the driveway. There were always two of them, always in blue suits like the people from Mathnet. We knew they were coming for us.

We would try to hide. In my parent’s closet. Under my brother’s bed. We would be almost hidden when we would sense that they were in the room with us. I would always have something – a foot, an elbow – sticking out.

They would grab me.

Then I would wake up.

I had this dream over and over when I was little. Always the same, but just a little different. Sometimes it was two men, sometimes two women, sometimes one of each. We would always hide somewhere different, but I would always be grabbed. Then I would wake up. I even had the dream once during college.

I’m pretty sure this dream is what has led to me having an irrational fear of kidnapping. I’ve always been scared of it. Once, while walking to school, my friend and I convinced ourselves that a car pulled over and offered us a flower to get in their car. Another time, I was on the school bus with a few other kids and the driver forgot we were there and started driving back to the bus barn. We were convinced we were being kidnapped.

When I had Alma I panicked because I realized that I didn’t have to just worry about myself being kidnapped anymore. Now I have to worry about my girls getting kidnapped, too. I don’t know how to present this idea to the kids. I want them to stay with me in crowded places, know not to get into cars with strangers, not wander around the neighborhood. But I also don’t want to instill my irrational fear in them.

All this because of this dream.

I should add that once, I didn’t wake up when the blue suits grabbed me. The dream kept going. I ended up on a cruise ship with a friend from preschool who had the same ice cream sundae tank top as me, eating the ice cream sundaes from our shirts. This should have convinced me that getting kidnapped can be fun. Or something. mb6

Dear Daddy,

Posted by Carolyn on February 8, 2016 1 Comment

Dear Daddy,

Yesterday was your birthday and I’ve been wanting to tell you something. I write to the girls on their birthdays, but I think it’s important to write to you, too.

I have always admired you, daddy. You always worked hard to give all of us a wonderful life. You worked hard, but you were always home for dinner and present in our lives. On Sunday mornings, I would wait to see you get up, then I’d follow you to the living room so you could read the comics to me. You were always up to play in the backyard, or play a game of Pente. You came to my recitals even when it meant missing a track meet. You taught me how to ride my bike on two wheels.

One of my favorite memories of us is from a bike ride. I can remember exactly where this conversation took place, right around the corner from where I live today. We were riding ‘around the block’ and you told me that you hope I will always call you Daddy. I remember thinking that was absurd that you would even ask. Of course you’ll always be my daddy.

You have another name now. You are also Papa, and I am so glad that my girls get to have a Papa like you. They light up when they see you, and honestly, you light up, too. You are such a great grandfather. You get down to their level to play with them. You spoil them just the right amount. I know that I can count on you to take wonderful care of them.

Happy birthday, Daddy. I hope you know how important you are to me, and how much I love you as my Daddy, and as Alma and Harriet’s Papa.

Love,
Carolyn

When to Apologize?

Posted by Carolyn on January 13, 2016 4 Comments

Apologize: to offer an apology or excuse for some fault, insult, failure, or injury

Lately Alma has been doing something that concerns me. She will say something silly, or do something goofy, and immediately say, “Sorry ’bout dat,” with a shrug and a self-depreciating eye roll. For example, she will pronounce a word wrong, or mix up her words, or stumble a little bit. Something about which she absolutely doesn’t need to feel sorry.

It reminds me of those studies that show that women, in group meetings or classes, will say, “I’m sorry…” then ask their question or make their comment. I’m pretty sure I read about this in Lean In by Sheryl Sandberg, but I’ve been thinking about it for a long time.

It’s a hedge, something we say to fill space or make excuses. How many times have you said your opinion and finished up with, “…but that’s just what I think,” in order to avoid a confrontation. That’s a hedge. So is saying you’re sorry, oftentimes.

And this phenomenon is certainly more common with women than with men. I have been around groups of women who constantly apologize to each other, for every little thing. Even if it’s the other person’s fault. Even if it’s nobody’s fault. How many times have you asked someone who was blocking your way to move by first saying sorry? Why do we apologize to someone who is standing in the doorway, or blocking the thing we need, when it’s obvious that they’re in the wrong?

The act of saying you’re sorry when you’ve done nothing wrong makes us look weak. It is admitting that we have no power in our situation. It is admitting that we feel that what we have to say, or do, is less important than others.

I don’t want my daughters to believe this about themselves. I want them to own their opinions, their actions, and their questions. They are strong, and their voices are important. I want them to know that they can ask their question, or make a correction, or add an opinion without being perceived as aggressive. Moreover, I want them to know that it’s okay to be aggressive. If they make a mistake, they can own it without apologizing, especially if it doesn’t affect anyone else, like when Alma mispronounces a word.

Raising daughters, this goes even further. I don’t want my girls to ever apologize for not wanting to hug or kiss someone. I’ve written before about how I never make them hug or kiss anyone if they don’t want to. I want them to be strong and feel like they don’t ever have to apologize for this. When they’re teenagers and young adults, I want them to be confident that they can turn down sexual advances without an apology. They don’t have to do anything they don’t want to do, and they don’t have to apologize for it.

This all isn’t to say that I never want my kids to apologize. I certainly want them to say they’re sorry when they’ve hurt someone. I’ve started saying, “Only apologize when you’ve done something wrong” whenever Alma does this. I want to break the habit. There is a line in Sarah Kay’s poem “Point B” that says “always apologize when you’ve done something wrong but don’t you ever apologize for the way your eyes refuse to stop shining.” And that’s really it, isn’t it? I just want my girls to shine and not have to apologize about it.

Autumn Book Report, 2015

Posted by Carolyn on January 8, 2016 Leave a Comment

And Then They Summer Books

The Nightingale by Kristin Hannah. This was a slam-dunk for me. It is set in France – check. It is set during World War II – check. It deals with motherhood – check. It is well written – check.

My dad loaned me this historical fiction novel and I absolutely loved it. It is the story of sisters, mothers, fathers, survival, choices, war, love, and women. You get to read about the lives of two sisters and their experiences during WWII in France. They each make their own decisions about how to handle the occupation.

Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe by Benjamin Alire Sáenz. I picked this one up during one of my jobs in a middle school. To be honest, I grabbed it because I love Dante and thought it might take about his work. It didn’t really do that, but it was still a very good book. It is about two teenage boys who meet and become friends. It is a good coming of age story, and I would highly recommend it to teenage kids, especially boys or those who are interested in LGBT stories.

Love, Nina by Nina Stibbe. This was a book club book, and it was really good. I never would have read this if it hadn’t been for book club. It is an epistolary memoir from Nina’s time as a nanny for a creative, quirky family. I read it wondering if it had a point, but maybe that was the point. I laughed out loud in public while reading it. The characters are incredible and hilarious.

Moon Over Manifest by Clare Vanderpool. This was another reread. I love this book so much. I had Jesse read it, too. It’s such a lovely story of family and love and community. The main character is a spunky girl who lands in a mysterious and eclectic town during the Great Depression. It’s a Newberry winner, so there you go.

From the Mixed-up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler by E.L. Konigsburg. Another favorite of mine. I have read this many, many times. It has it all – mystery, adventure, art history, strong female characters.

I’ll Give You the Sun by Jandy Nelson. My book club pick for December. I loved it. It’s another young adult novel, but I’d say it’s more for high school than middle school. It is a lovely story about twins and growing up. It’s unique because it’s told from both twins’ perspectives – but at different times. You hear Noah’s story from when the twins were 14, and you hear Jude’s story from when they were 17. A lot has happened in between, and the story unfolds through both of their narrations. There is art, love, coming of age, mystery, love, magical realism, ghosts, love, family, and love. One of my new favorites.

JANUARY 2016: CURRENTLY

Posted by Carolyn on January 6, 2016 1 Comment

reading 10% Happier for my book club, and Game of Thrones for myself.

listening to my Audra McDonald Pandora station.

eating no breads or sugars, back on Whole30.

choosing all the right things all the time.

making mistakes with choices, but really thinking about them.

thinking about choice and words.

waiting for an extended weekend away later this month.

planning what I’ll do with all my time alone on that trip.

wondering how I have a 4 year old.

using my new Get to Work Book.

loving it.

enjoying a quiet moment while the girls are back at school.

taking a deep breath because we all survived winter break.

drinking lots of tea and water, but not enough.

sleeping in bursts because both girls have become very needy at night.

wearing a fitbit again.

feeling motivated to get my wrist party everyday.

contemplating cutting bangs. On me and on Harriet.

watching the second season of Broadchurch.

pondering why everyone on that show makes such dumb choices.

I Love Subbing

Posted by Carolyn on November 5, 2015 1 Comment

Truth time. I love subbing. It’s taken me years to realize this, but now I’m ready to publicly admit it.

I have been reluctant to admit it, because somehow it feels like a failure. I didn’t get my masters degree to be a sub. I got it to be a teacher. That was the plan, but it isn’t how it’s worked out. That’s the thing about plans, though, isn’t it?

After Peace Corps, I went back to my job as an assistant teacher for a special needs preschool. We spent the first week of September setting up our classroom, along with all the other teachers in our building. I walked down the hall and was jealous of the ‘real teachers’ setting up their own rooms. I know that I was feeling down about coming home from a grand adventure, and just falling back into the person I was before I left – though I felt different than the person I was before I left. I wasn’t even a lead teacher, I was just back in my role of assistant.

I decided then, and there, that it was time for a real change. I looked into teacher training programs, and found one in Eugene that would start in January. I applied, took some tests, and was in. I knew I was on the right track as soon as I went to the first day of orientation.

After I graduated, I looked for jobs, but couldn’t find one. I became a substitute teacher, but kept looking for a ‘real’ job. I went to graduate school for this. I went to be a teacher. I went to have my own room that I could design, and curriculum that I could create, and students who were ‘mine.’ I felt like a fake, like not a ‘real teacher.’ I felt like people looked at me like I just couldn’t cut it, and that’s why I didn’t have a ‘real job.’

I has been almost five years since graduate school, and I’ve had some long-term jobs, but nothing permanent. For the first four years, this made me feel bad, like I couldn’t cut it. Every summer I would apply for jobs, and go to interviews, but I was never hired. It was a self-esteem killer, I’ll be honest.

This past summer, I decided not to even look at jobs that were posted. I came to a very important conclusion and here’s my public declaration: I really, truly love subbing. I’m not ashamed or embarrassed.

I looked at what I love about teaching and realized that there are three main things – the kids, the curriculum, the learning. I thought about it, and realized that I get all three of those things as a sub. These days, I mostly work at two middle schools.

I know the kids. I have relationships with the kids. In some ways, I can have better relationships with the kids because I’m not the ‘real’ teacher, the one who gives them grades and who has real expectations on them. I’m like the fun aunt who comes to babysit. I’m not saying that I don’t discipline the students – I certainly don’t run a loose classroom (in fact, some students say that the class never works as hard as when I’m there). When I walk through the halls, the kids ask who I’m subbing for and are excited if they’ll have me that day. They tell my I’m the best sub.

Since I’m in these two schools, the teachers know that I can actually teach. They don’t just leave videos or worksheets. They trust me to continue their curriculum, and sometimes, I even get to create my own. I get to lead discussions, and see real learning take place.

While lots of teachers leave grading for me to do, it’s easily completed in my time on the clock. As a sub, I don’t ever have to take work home with me. I leave school when my day is done, and can focus the rest of my day on my family.

I mostly just sub at two middle schools. I get enough work from them. They know me, and I know them. The teachers will set up the jobs days, or weeks in advance (which makes it much easier to find grandparents who can watch my kids while I’m working).

That’s the other thing! I get to spend so much time with my girls. I only work 2-4 days a week, so I still get to be with my kids a lot of the time. I get to take them to school, and pick them up. I also get to choose when I work, so if one of the girls has an appointment or a program at school, I know that I can be there for them.

So, there you have it. I’ve spent four years feeling inferior, but I’m done with that. I’m owning that this is my ‘real job’ and that that’s okay. It’s something I’m good at. It’s something I enjoy. It’s something that gives me time to also enjoy my other ‘real job’ as a mom.

I don’t know what my plan is from here. Maybe I’ll get a ‘real job’ someday, when my kids are older. Maybe the perfect job will come around and I’ll have to jump on it. Maybe I’ll sub forever. Maybe I’ll stop teaching completely and focus on creating for my shop. Who knows? That’s the thing about plans…

d

NOVEMBER 2015: CURRENTLY

Posted by Carolyn on November 2, 2015 3 Comments

reading nothing. I just finished Moon Over Manifest (for the second time) last night.

looking for a new book to read.

learning about police officers thanks to my great friend Leia and her cop friends.

letting the girls sit on police vehicles.

praying that they will never ever enter a police car ever again.

wishing that all parents could teach their kids that police are helpers, not people to be scared of.

understanding that this isn’t the case for everyone.

subbing the perfect amount.

loving the time I get to spend with middle school kids. They are the best.

planning lots of fun things for this holiday season.

counting the holiday season as right now.

listening to Christmas music and Sara Barielles on Pandora and Spotify.

giving thanks for everything all month long (#30daysofgratitudeATT)

bottling our new beer tonight.

eating too much candy.

working with artist friends for exciting things later this month.

getting excited about our weekend away in a couple weeks.

preparing for our anniversary party in a few weeks.

vowing to get to writing my vows for our renewal.

publishing this post so I can go write some vows.

Summer Book Report, 2015

Posted by Carolyn on September 7, 2015 1 Comment

I wish I had paid more attention to all the books I’ve been reading this year since it’s part of my 35 Before 35 deal. Oh well, here are the books I read this summer (to the best of my memory… I suppose if I’m missing something it wasn’t that great anyway).

All the Light We Cannot See by Anthony Doerr. One of my top 5 books of all time. This book is amazing and beautiful and difficult and lovely. Set in Europe – mostly France – during World War II, it follows three different characters. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, but I love child narrators. Two of the narrators are young people and their stories are told with fragility and depth. This is a war story, a mystery, a love story. It broke me and it raised me. Please read it.

The Girl On the Train by Paula Hawkins. This one was for book club, but I had already read it. Fitting with many of the other books we’ve read in book club, it was full of unreliable narrators. This is an interesting literary idea, but I’m afraid it’s getting played out. I mean, really, what does it say about our culture is full of books and movies and shows with liars, antiheroes, and despicable people about whom we are supposed to care? That’s how I felt about this book – I just didn’t really care. I didn’t care what happened to the characters because they weren’t good people. That being said, I read this book completely and quickly. It was interesting enough and I supposed I cared about the characters enough to find out what happened. I just didn’t feel good about it as I was reading it. Does that make sense? No, not at all? Okay, moving on.

The Vacationers by Emma Straub. I picked this book up on the Lucky Day shelf near the checkout line at the library. It was a quick, easy, summertime book. It is about a family who travels to Spain at a very turbulent time in all of their lives. Not literature by any stretch of the imagination. Completely predictable, yet enjoyable. The characters were simple, but at least they were honest!

Great House by Nicole Krauss. I love Nicole Krauss. Obviously, since I named my daughter after some characters in The History of Love. I’ve been meaning to read this book for a long time, and earlier this summer I found myself at the library by myself with time to actually venture beyond the children’s section. I picked it up and started it right away. The story was interesting and enthralling. It is about a desk and its owners and how they are connected through wars and across continents. I really liked the story, and that kept me reading. The writing I could barely handle. Krauss used eternal paragraphs, and this just got under my skin. It was difficult to read, the long paragraphs, the dialog not traditionally broken up. But I kept with it and I’m glad I did. This is a story that I love. It raises questions about loss, memory, and what we are leaving for our children along the way. It is a beautiful piece of literature full of amazing words and sentences crafted by a true artist.

Sisters, Long Ago by Peg Kehret. This is one of those ridiculous things about childhood. I borrowed this book from my best friend Susan Schoenfeld when we were probably in 5th grade. I know this because her name is still in the cover. Meaning I actually stole this book from my best friend Susan Schoenfeld. Sorry, Sue-Sue. I can mail it to you if you want it back. But it’s really not a great book. It’s just a good book that takes me back to my childhood. It’s about a young girl who has a flashback to a past life in Egypt. I’ve read this book probably a dozen times over the years, mostly because it’s there and it’s quick and it’s entertaining.

Hands Free Mama by Rachel Macy Stafford. I’m working my way through this book and I am loving it. It is inspiring and lovely. I’m sure I’ll do a more complete review in 2016.

On Blogging

Posted by Carolyn on April 21, 2015 1 Comment

What is a blog? Why do I write here? Who is reading this? Who do I want to read this? Why do other people write? Why do I read blogs?

Yesterday, something happened in my little internet world. One of my favorite bloggers (and creative inspirations) was caught up in a blog-drama. Elise is a truly creative blogger. She has a new post every day. She spends her time creating. She is honest and generous. She is dedicated and professional.

Yesterday, as part of her Make/Give30 project, she posted a quilt that she had made. It was open for bidding, and the proceeds would go to Habitat for Humanity. In her post about the quilt, she was honest about her process – that it wasn’t a perfect quilt, that it was never intended to be a perfect quilt (which in my opinion makes it better… quilts are made with love, to be loved, to show love). In the comments, some people attacked her for even posting something imperfect, calling it unprofessional.

First of all, come on. You don’t need to comment if you disagree. Just move on, click the next blog, it doesn’t matter.

But, it got me thinking. One of the comments that defended Elise said something, and I’m paraphrasing here, about how this is Elise’s house, and all of the readers are guests in her house and should act accordingly.

As a blog reader, my lists of blogs is constantly changing. A writer will move away from my interests, or I will get annoyed by something, or they will write something I don’t agree with, or I will find myself feeling jealous of the blogger’s life. And here’s what I do: I unfollow the blog. It’s simple. The world – and the internet – is so full of negative things. I don’t need to add to that. I enjoy my life so much better when I’m being positive. I don’t need to read things that make me mad. I don’t need to read stories that make me feel jealous or insecure. If I’m not comfortable in a blogger’s “house,” I’m going to leave it.

Easy at that.

That is why I read. And why I don’t read.

Why I write is something else entirely.

The last couple weeks I’ve been feeling sort of melancholy. I think it’s a combination of coming home from vacation, being with the kids all the time, cutting way back on nursing Harriet (helllllllo hormones), and just the stress of the past year catching up. I took some time to edit and post the Disneyland photos, and I instantly felt better.

My friend (and inspiration) Sarah, just wrote on Facebook about how a doctor once prescribed that she spend thirty minutes each day creating or meditating.

With this blog, I know that I go in spurts. I will be super inspired for a while, and really keep up with posting on it. Then there will come a time that I’m not inspired and I don’t feel like I have anything to post. And the blog is quiet. And (I know this sounds precious) my soul is quiet. It isn’t that the work of the blog gets overwhelming, it’s more that I’m just not taking the time to create.

When I’m making things, and cooking things, and growing things, I am inspired. I’m inspired to write and share on the blog. Those are the times that I feel the best and the happiest.

I’ve tried many different iterations of this blog – a strict schedule, a flexible schedule, no schedule, no blogging, over-blogging. I have grand ideas that I will be able to make this blog into a wildly successful corner of the internet, and have that success spill over into CaroMade, and I’ll be a super amazing blogger who creates for a living. That’s the dream.

But for now, I’m going to focus on doing it for my happiness, sanity, inspiration, and as a positive place that I can call my internet home. If I don’t blog for a week or two, I won’t beat myself up, but I will remind myself that I usually feel better after I write.

After all, this is my home. And you are all welcome.

And if you are still here, and still reading, after all this, and are wondering how Elise handled her drama, she did it like a pro. Today she came back with a post about sweet potato fries that began with a joke.

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